The Richie Report – The Formicidae Extermination: Experiment Six of Sixteen

“the last Richie Report? No.”
Has it really been a month since the last Richie Report? No. It’s been way longer but that’s great as it means I can actually write about some games rather than padding out some bullshit with jokes about piss or whatever it is I normally do in this situation and anyway; this is the last gas station for hundreds of miles. And by that I mean that there’s a drought coming. The summer is long and full of terrors.

That said, for fans of the PS4 and Xbox One that drought started last year when the fucking things were released but thanks to some stored up Tesco Clubcard points and a flash deal, I finally made my choice and picked up a PS4. I weighed up all the facts – sales figures, exclusives, controller, dashboard, how much of a cunt everyone at Microsoft is at the moment – and plunged in. Now, I’ll leave it to Mark to explain why that was a good choice but what I will say it yes it’s swish as fuck, oh my god I fucking love Res0gun and the cleanliness of the dashboard is literally next to godliness. Still waiting for a few fucking games to come out but of what I’ve played so far, here’s the scoop.

“it becomes hard”
Res0gun - it’s like Defender but with all the fucking shitty Midway mechanics stripped out and loads of fun put in. I love it so much that I’m even going for all the trophies and I don’t give any fucks about trophies. If you like the idea of a fun, and extremely pretty, shoot ‘em up literally flinging photons into your retinas then get onto it. Need For Speed: Rivals – when driving games get too pretty and realistic, it becomes hard to actually make out the bends in the road. It’s been a problem since Burnout on the PS2. Also, it’s all a bit too ‘hey check for events on your DriveCunt map-o-system and challenge your friends to see who is king of the road‘ for my liking.

Killzone - I literally paid 85p for it and haven’t had 85p’s worth of fun out of it yet.  Infamous: Second Son – surprisingly decent.  Looks incredibly nice and the controls are buttery smooth. In stark contrast to Infamous, I’ve also played the latest Spider-Man effort and it takes fewer chances with the usual Spidey formula than I would with my testicles in a pit full of crocodiles. You’ve literally played it all before. Still, it looks quite nice.

“slow, cluttered and fucking”
The usual slew of indie efforts has also made its way to me via either the PS4 or the extremely lovely PS Vita. We’ve had Titan Attacks ( which is an unambitious Space Invaders clone. Yes, you’ll have heard of Space Invaders as that’s what your gran used to call all videogames when you were even younger, you young bastard), Steamworld Dig (an overrated dig ‘em up that’s like Terraria without the creating, Spelunky without the difficulty and Boulderdash without the fun) and Starlight Inception (horribly broken space combat shooter that’s about to receive a massive patch).

However, my conversion to the dark side isn’t complete yet. The 360, as slow, cluttered and fucking shambolic as it is, is still where I’m maxing, relaxing and spending all of my days. This has meant ploughing literally days of my life in to Earth Defence Force 2025. Sure, I’ve mentioned it before but FUCK ME this game… THIS GAME. It’s simultaneously the most cunt thing that has ever happened and the best game ever made. I’m 120 hours in and have completed six out of sixteen playthroughs (and they aren’t getting any fucking easier, I can tell you). Xbox Live parties have become a support group for me and my fellow Storm Team members.

It’s horrible. It’s a fucking curse. But when you work together to beat a complete bastard of a level using a new strategy, there’s nothing better. God damn you, Sandlot. If I ever meet any of you, I’m vomiting giant ants in your fucking faces.

“Murdered colons”
A brief detour also saw me take in the latest FIFA effort, clumsily titled EA Sports Brazil FIFA World Cup 2014. Look. Let’s not pretend that there is even any point talking about it. Read the review. Or any review of any FIFA game I’ve written in the last decade. All that really matters is that when you read this report, QPR will have either been promoted or beaten in the play offs. Fuck.

Next month looks vaguely interesting. We’ve got the long-delayed Watch_Dogs which is likely to disappoint everyone now, EA’s new UFC game which looks like it might be brilliant, something called Murdered: Soul Suspect (they should have just called it Murdered. Colons detract from horror games), a new Transformers game and a new Sniper Elite game even though I don’t know anyone who buys them.

The charts are so fucking depressing that it could be a script for fucking Eastenders.

1. FIFA 14

That top five in particular makes me so sad that I can’t even be bothered to comment on the games in it. Just imagine me shouting “CUNTS!” after each one and then hiding under my desk.

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