The Richie Report: The Resident Raccoon Syndicate
Hello and welcome to The Richie Report. Over the coming weeks/months/years (delete based on how good the next few paragraphs are), I’ll be spouting off about the state of the gaming nation in a barely comprehensible fashion, like your friendly neighbourhood hobo or christian. Albeit not covered in piss. Or at least not as much piss. Good start so far, I’d say. That’s the christians dealt with.
The internet world is full of beans right now, thanks to Capcom’s reveal trailer for Resident Evil 6. After the disappointing (but not actually that bad) Resident Evil 5, Capcom seem to be upping their game. So much so, that I turned off the video halfway through because I didn’t want spoilers. That’s how good it was! Other, desperate sites will be pointlessly debating all the implications of the trailer but fuck that; it looks like more of the same, but in Raccoon City, and ramped up nicely. Also, why are Capcom pushing it so heavily (it’s already had TV adverts in the UK) when it’s not due until November? That’s as much as I’m prepared to bother talking about it. It’s just a fucking video, man.
Anyway, that wasn’t the big news. The big news, the ubernews, the Pulitzer Prize news is that Syndicate has hit the PC. No, no, not EA’s pointless fucking FPS. The original Syndicate. The isometric, dystopian vision of an Earth turned into corporate battlefield has hit Good Old Games (our favourite purveyors of retro PC games) which means that finally you can play it on your modern PCs without pissing about. Admittedly, it seems to just be running on a self-contained install of DosBox but who cares. I downloaded it, installed it, played it, came oil all over my chops. It’s still the king. Syndicate, baby. Puts freshness on the line.
Fans of things that happened ten years ago will be happy – Rockstar’s GTA3 and GTA: Vice City have been given ratings for the PS3 which probably means they’ll be hitting PSN or something. You can’t go back. I’m just warning you. Going back one generation is always a bad idea. Go back two and it’s retro; go back one and it’s just a bit shit. For my money, the best GTA is the first one. The idea of having a points target and then just creating chaos to get there is way more fun than re-enacting Goodfellas/Scarface/Miami Vice/Boyz In Tha Hood. Running over krishnas. Enough said.
Speaking of things that shouldn’t be resurrected. Those daft cunts at Namco were already on to a loser when they decided that a port of Soul Calibur on iOS would be a good idea. On-screen buttons for a complex beat ‘em up? It’s a stupid fucking idea. Releasing it for EIGHT QUID with no trial version? That’s beyond stupid and is probably some sort of war crime. Suffice it to say, it can go fuck itself and can take Soul Calibur 5 with it. Even if Assassin’s Creed 2′s Ezio is one of the bonus characters.
Equally uninspiring is the news that Bioshock: Infinite (Irrational Games’ last chance at me giving a fuck about the series) is going to have a ’1999′ mode. This mode will make the game a lot harder and will require you to pay special attention to how you level up your character and what strategies you use in the game. One mistake and it’s curtains. Sounds like no fun whatsoever. I just bet that mode has an achievement attached too. Hngh. Anyway, aren’t they somewhat romanticising the idea that the ’90s was some sort of school for gaming ninjas? I’ll take your 1999 and raise you one 1984. Let’s see how your N64 thumbs deal with Jet Set motherfucking Willy. Dark Souls? Ha! Get through the Banyan Tree level on JSW without dying and I’m calling autistic superpowers, fool.
In stupid made-up-space-money news, rumours suggest that Microsoft could be about to ditch the Microsoft Points in favour of using real money. This was what everyone was asking for back in 2006, but these days your credit card details would be more secure in the hands of a Nigerian prince than in your Xbox, so for many people this could be the end of Xbox Live Arcade gaming unless they include some sort of voucher system. Suffice it to say that I’m more likely to put my debit card in my fucking eye socket than on Microsoft’s blatantly insecure system.
Before I leave you in puddles of your own tears, let’s see what the rest of the gaming world is into by checking out the latest UK charts.
1. FIFA 12 (EA)
2. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (Bethesda)
3. Just Dance 3 (Ubisoft)
4. Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 (Activision)
5. Battlefield 3 (EA)
6. Zumba Fitness (505 Games)
7. Saints Row: The Third (THQ)
8. Zumba Fitness 2 (505 Games)
9. Rayman Origins
10. Rage (Bethesda)
That’s two Zumba games in the same chart. We need a flood.
Like in the Bible.
See you next time, Poppets!
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