The Richie Report: Crouching Quotes Hidden Meanings

“delayed fucking”
So, how are you getting on with your new console? What did you get? A PlayStation 4 or the Xbox One? Me, I preordered the PS4 back when the release date and price were announced. As for games I went for THERE ARE NO FUCKING GAMES; I CANCELLED THAT SHIT AS SOON AS WATCH_DOGS AND DRIVE CLUB WERE DELAYED.

Fucking hell, Lord. The fuck is this shit? I’ve not seen a launch this underwhelming since Syrian rebels managed to fire a mortar into their own faces. Call of Duty? Bollocks. Battlefield 4? Broken. Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag? I listen to Creed with my wack dad more like. It’s not getting any better either. The PS4′s line up for the next three months reads as Zen Pinball 2 and Thief (which has as much chance of being released in February 2014 as a new Lost Prophets album).

“as full as Michelle”
Nope, this simply will not do. So instead of that, I’ve decided to re-dedicate myself to the grimy, achievement-whoring pleasures of the 360 and playing actual good games on the PlayStation Vita. Unfortunately for me, and you, is that Call of Duty‘s stranglehold of Q4 of the gaming calendar means that nobody really wants to go up against it and the Christmas release schedule looks as full as Michelle McManus’ face.

Any sports fans with deep pockets and the memory of a goldfish get to play with NBA Live 14, WWE 2K14 and worst of all F1 2013. When I was a kid, I quite liked cars. But then I grew up. Also, watching Sebastian Vettel emotionlessly celebrate his thousandth fucking win in a row is marginally less appealing than watching my face slowly turn into the face of someone with face cancer in the face.

“flops and dressing one up”
Speaking of dull, there’s a new Batman game. I don’t mind the Batcomics and two of the fifty or so Batfilms. I’ve also got a Batheadache in my Batpants for the Lee Merriwether version of Catwoman but these games aren’t anything special. The 360 has more hack and slashers than it has terraflops and dressing one up in a Batman skin isn’t ever going to hide the fact that I’ve already done enough X, X, Y, X, Y combos to recreate the chromosomes of the cast of Gone With The Wind. Good lord, that was a tortured metaphor. Time to move swiftly the fuck on.

Right into the timber-shivering face of Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag. I got bored of this series roughly halfway through the second one. Brotherhood bored me so much that I can’t remember anything about it and am assuming it was a game about being a chartered surveyor. This one has some sort of pirate theme to it. The fuck am I meant to do with that? Pirates were shit even before Johnny Depp turned them into a bunch of seafaring ponces. On the plus side, we’re gonna have a TV party tonight. Alright!

“both of them fuck just”
Those of you with kids, or no taste in games, are well catered for with Lego Marvel Falafel Waffles and Skylanders: Floppy Horse. I don’t know or care what they are about or what they are like. Fuck both of them. Fuck Just Dance 2014 while you are at it.

It’s been a couple of days since the last Need For Speed game, so EA have shoved Need For Speed: Rivals out the door. I’m sure it’s quite good but the Need For Speed games are so busy apeing themselves that they’ve actually managed to make the driving genre even duller.

“a whole heap”
Well that was depressing. So is there any redemption? Well, yes actually. PS Plus subscribers get Contrast for free with their PS4s and, having recently finished the Xbox Live Arcade version of it, I can happily report that it’s a lovely game that mixes some original gameplay ideas with a whole heap of class. The game sees you solving platform puzzles by switching from the three-dimensional game world into a 2D one that exists only in the shadows. The clever lighting engine lets you manipulate objects in order to move their shadows and reach new areas. It’s a tad too easy, and maybe too short, but it’s original, fun and not too broken. Ric liked it, anyway.

Even more exciting is the fact that I’ve been playing a brand new Vita game and it’s an actual physical release and anything. Tearaway, from the clever chaps that brought you Little Big Planet, is certainly the loveliest game of the year for those of us that don’t actively seek out the saccharine cuteness pumped out via the Nintendo 3DS, and is one of the most creative platform games I’ve played since Ape Escape on the PS1. It’s full of surprises and uses every aspect of the Vita hardware to great effect. My review should be dropping soon but if I could summarise it in two words it’d be ‘buy it.’

“cunt luckily”
If I had two words for A-Men 2, an army flavoured Lost Vikings style puzzle-platformer also on the Vita, it’d be ‘fuck off’ with added emphasis on the word ‘cunt.’ Luckily I’ve got far more words than that.

As ever, the UK game charts make for some dismal reading.

  1. CALL OF DUTY: GHOSTS – give up our position one more time and I’ll bleed ya. Real quiet. AND LEAVE YOU HERE.
  2. FIFA 14 – Mansfield Town 0 (Mansfield go through on away goals).
  3. BATTLEFIELD 4 – I’ve gotta get through this.
  4. KILLZONE: SHADOW FALL – Can you help me out today? In your usual lovely way.
  5. ASSASSIN’S CREED IV: BLACK FLAG – We’re dedicated to our favourite shows.
  6. LEGO MARVEL SUPER HEROES – where’s the street-wise Hercules?
  7. GRAND THEFT AUTO V – Pretinama!
  8. NEED FOR SPEED: RIVALS – Need For Change: Me
  9. JUST DANCE 2014 – Dignity 0.
  10. BATMAN: ARKHAM ORIGINS – Extremely loose prequel to Batman: Open All Hours.

Merry new year, everyone. I remember the pavilion, we had big fun there! Boo bwele boo bwele boo bwele ha! Boo bwele boo bwele boo bwele ha!

Ah… memories.

Last five articles by Richie


One Comment

  1. Lorna Lorna says:

    Yeah, decent next gen games that aren’t COD are pretty thin on the ground. Since I’m a retro freak, I’ll be picking up Putty Squad, having liked the orginal back on the Amiga, and will also probably grab shiny car sim, Need For Speed (all for PS4). Also may give Pinball Arcade a whirl if the price is right.

    As for Batman… Batman: Open All Hours sounds pretty good to me… Batman gets his cape stuck in the maw of a vindictive till and has to fight off an army of comically outraged nurses while making suggestive remarks.

    Still, next year luvvie… EDF in your gaming next gen face.

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