The Richie Report – The Sodium Pentothal Doused Twig

“bored of cod”
April is pretty good. She’s not just the journalist from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She’s also an okay month. We get that hour of daylight back for a start, just as the depression begins to take hold and our eyes seal over from lack of sunshine. The games market gets a little spring in its step too with a bunch of actual games from publishers who have decided that its now safe to release a few games as people will have a few trade-in quids to spend after getting bored of CoD and Battlefield.

Shockingly, this actually included a proper, legit modern generation exclusive title that’s pretty decent. Infamous: Second Son may well be the first PS4 game worth getting with its extravagant graphics and fun superhero-esque gameplay. Mark liked it anyway, even though it isn’t an MMO. One for your list when you finally take the plunge into the current gen.

“easy but as a package”
Microsoft also had an exclusive up their sleeves. Titanfall is a multiplayer-focused shooter that helped upped flagging Xbox One sales briefly. A PC and 360 version are available (or soon will be) so there’s still not a reason to upgrade to the One yet (apart from that nagging feeling that Dead Rising 3 might be good). The lack of a proper campaign mode, and the fact that it’s basically just another Halo-’em-up, seem to concern some people but the majority of the reviews have been pretty positive.

Fans of actual fun though would do well to get in some South Park: Stick of Truth. After stealing the show at E3 with it, I’ve been super-excited about the game and it pretty much lived up to it. It’s a nice tactics RPG (and I’ve not played one of those since getting bored of Final Fantasy 7 on the second disc) that taps into the look and feel of the TV show perfectly. The humour carries the gameplay for sure and it is all a bit too easy but, as a package, Stick of Truth should remain one of the standout titles of 2014.

“and started super-flicking”
Fans of the original collapse and die ‘em up, Demon’s Souls, finally got their masochistic wish as Dark Souls II finally showed up, got drunk in their bar and started super-flicking peanuts at all the bottles of fancy liquor. I’ve dabbled with the Dark Souls and found it to be staggeringly unenjoyable so I’m not qualified to talk about it but various gamer chums are saying it’s just as good/hateful/Japanese as the last one. Great.

Much like when you see Sonic and Mario sucking each other clean off in the latest awful Nintendo sports title, people seem to have forgotten that it’s kind of a big deal that Metal Gear Solid is now a multiformat title. Sure, we had that awful hack and slasher (Revengepiss or something) but now a proper bonafide Hideo Kojima Metal Gear game has hit all the major current and last gen formats.

Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes however is a actually a bit of a prequel to the true Metal Gear Solid V and apparently clocks in at just two hours long (which sort of sounds amazing to me). It is, as you’d expect, an ambitiously high quality slab of gaming but ultimately is just an appetiser for Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. Which seems like a pisstake to me. Still, I kind of want it.

Ninja Gairden

“shit in last month’s Richie”
After playing the risibile Ninja Gaiden 3, I’m shocked that the series hasn’t been made illegal. So it’s even more surprising that it has spawned a western-developed spinoff in Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z. Cobbled together by the less-than-illustrious Spark Unlimited, the game takes the precise (but joyless) hack and slash gameplay of the original Ninja Gaiden series and simply removes the precision, opting instead for a luck-based, hacky slashy approach. Sounds dreadful. I wouldn’t know though. I ain’t playing shit.

In last month’s Richie Report, I helpfully alerted you to the fact that all the good gaming was happening on the PS Vita. This continued in March with the release of Luftrausers, a retrotastic 2D dogfighter. Now, Ric, our beautiful, chewie-faced beagle, reviewed the PC version and mostly liked it. Read his review. It’s spot on.

“a very tangible ceiling”
I’ve put more hours than I’d like to admit into failing at the Vita version and it is simultaneously wonderful and horrible. It feels great to play and is genuinely exciting. However the bastard blimp that occasionally shows up, generally spells horrible death. H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E-D-E-A-T-H. Horrible death.

A very tangerine ceiling

This kind of puts a very tangible ceiling on how much fun and progress you can get out of the game (a bit like being averagely skilled at Trials HD) and kind of spoils things. Still ridiculously addictive though. Then again, the Vita is full of this kind of thing.

PCs should be used for writing Richie Reports when you should be working, but for those of you who like to game it up at your desks, you were well catered for with Shardlands, Hearthstone, Post Master and WindForge all getting released and subsequently reviewed right here on GamingLives. I’m not clicking on shit when it comes to PC games apart from Post Master because it sounds baffling.

“Bitches Kenneth”
The UK gaming charts aren’t looking too shabby either.

  1. INFAMOUS: SECOND SON – blurring the line between ‘must have’ and ‘might as well get because there’s fuck all else out’
  2. METAL GEAR SOLID V: GROUND ZEROES – Kojima returns with another stupidly named Solid.
  3. TITANFALL – Microsoft showing faith in their big Xbox One exclusive by releasing it on every format they own.
  4. FIFA 14 – EA must have more money than God right now. How is this fucking thing still selling?
  5. THE LEGO MOVIE VIDEOGAME – “All women is bitches. Women? Bitches.” Kenneth ‘Bricks’ Wangler. 1998.
  6. DIABLO III: REAPER OF SOULS – Reaper of Souls, ruiner of clicky-fingers.
  7. SOUTH PARK: THE STICK OF TRUTH – the best game to ever feature aborted nazi foetuses.
  8. CALL OF DUTY: GHOSTS – Infinity Bored mer like.
  9. MINECRAFT: XBOX 360 EDITION – Just download it, cretins!
  10. FINAL FANTASY X/X-2 HD REMASTER – I literally don’t know what that means.

Leave me now. I would be alone.




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2 Comments

  1. Stu says:

    Another enjoyable read, Richie.

    You hit the nail on the head with Second Son, I had a whole bunch of last gen games to trade in before their value fell through the floor, yet nothing really standout on current gen. It was InFamous’ release day so I thought “well, screw it, I’m getting it for a tenner thanks to trade-ins” so took the gamble. I’d never played any of the previous installments nor knew what the hell it was about. I was pleasantly surprised and to date the best release on the PS4 that I’ve played.

    Here’s hoping a few more releases drop before the full-on summer lull kicks in.

  2. Barry Todd says:

    You might as well wait for a “special edition” of MGS 5 with both Ground Zeroes and Phantom Pain together. You also missed out what a massive cunt the protagonist is in that new Ninja Gaiden is.

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