The Richie Report: The Dripping Snake Movement

“move about and prod”
Like the midgets that all decent people fear, February was short and cold and, like said midgets when they are trying to IMPREGNATE YOUR FUCKING FACE, gaming doesn’t stand still and so February has been chock full of games and big gaming news. Probably the biggest was the news that the PlayStation 4 Will be called the PlayStation 4. In Sony’s PS4 launch we got to see the new controller (a fucking mish-mash of daft technologies all crammed into what looks like a shitter version of the Dual-Shock or whatever Sony call their pads these days). The good news is that it’s still a joypad, but the bad news is that it’s got a touch pad and a Move sensor so don’t expect to be able to just play your games anymore. Now you’re going to have to fucking move about and prod things. Fuck off, Sony.

Sony were pretty cautious with the game announcements (probably because they’ll lead with fucking Wipeout and Everybody Golf yet again) so we only got to see a new Killzone (because Sony still can’t accept that nobody gives a fuck), a new Infamous, something called Knack, something else called Deep Down, and Driveclub which combines my two least favourite things – driving and social shit – into one massively dull-looking package. Indeed, mirroring the last E3, the only thing that looked good was Watch Dogs and that’s not even a PlayStation exclusive.

“unambitious snake fans”
Microsoft are rumoured to be following up with their next gen launch in April. Sony have set the bar exceptionally low, but expect Microsoft to limbo under it like a particularly unambitious snake.

Fans of this-gen finally got their hands on Dead Space 3. More space janitor horse shit but now with added microtransactions in case EA’s cocksucker fanbase get a bit stuck or lazy. Yep, running short on in-game currency or upgrades or fucking mops or whatever? Just buy more with actual cash. #boycottEA baby. All day. I’ve not played it and I’m not going to play it. I give it a meh out of ten.

Also unlikely to get played by me are North Star 2: Fisting Kenneth or the new Sly Cooper game. But I’m sure they are great. Or not. I don’t care.

Hello ma baby! Hello ma honey! Hello ma ragtime gal!

“absolutely dripping”
What I do care about is Aliens: Colonial Marines. Now, despite me being particularly vocal about it being an obvious lemon last month, and all of games journalism LOSING THEIR SHIT over how bad it is, I’ve got something to confess. I rather liked it. What you get for your money is yet another average shoot ‘em up but one that’s absolutely dripping in Alien shit. It holds together reasonably well as a single-player and co-op experience and the multiplayer larks are solid if unremarkable. But add to that the room where Newt was sleeping or the hole in the ground where Hudson got taken and suddenly this isn’t just a game but rather a nice bit of virtual tourism through LV-426. Sure, the story is mostly bollocks, but it feels like an Aliens game and is probably my favourite one so far. Just don’t bother reading any reviews unless you’re a fan of unoriginal pricks lazily reeling off quotes from the movie before trying to redeem their Dorito-whoring reputation by giving the game a two out of ten. Cocksuckers.

If you like your sci-fi shooters a little more pretty, there’s always Crysis 3, which is notable for having perhaps the shittest TV advert for any game in living memory. The critics are being quite kind to it though. Personally I hated every single second of Crysis 2 so I’ll be skipping but look out Tim’s review here soon!

“slashers I’m inclined to”
The last big game of February was Platinum Games’ ridiculously-titled Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance. A hack and slasher set in the Metal Gear universe. While being nothing like the usual Metal Gear stealth-em-up template, Revengeance (hngh) offers some very pretty visuals and slick stabby action. However, given that you can’t walk into a games shop without falling over a stack of Xbox hack and slashers, I’m inclined to give this one a miss. Keegan liked it a lot though and you should probably do what he says, as he’s much bigger than you.

Melon Gear Rising: Repurpose

But less about me and my problems. What have you, the people, been up to?

  1. Crysis 3. Thou shall not fall!
  2. FIFA 13. A chav and his dole money are quickly parted.
  3. Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance. Like a sword with two blades on it. Don’t touch the mic like there’s AIDS on it!
  4. Call Of Duty: Black Ops II. What the hell, man? I just shot that guy in the head. This is bullshit. This game’s glitched. Bullshit, man. Bullshit.
  5. Far Cry 3. You don’t know how to ease my pain. You don’t know.
  6. Need For Speed Most Wanted. Having a ball, like Henri Paul.
  7. Aliens: Colonial Marines. That can’t be. That’s inside the top ten. IT’S READING RIGHT, MAN!
  8. Dead Space 3. Ad Space more like.
  9. Assassin’s Creed III. Step outside and I will set you free.
  10. Hitman Absolution. Now with added Michaela Strachan.

Next month is full of big name new releases with the new BioShock, Army of Two, Gears of War and Tomb Raider all landing on the big consoles and possibly the Wii-U if that’s still a thing. Not that any of those games sound good apart from maybe BioShock Infinite (on the proviso that it’s nothing like the first two, which were gash). See you then.

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  1. Tom Commissar Tom says:

    I struggled to get past the first sentence due to fits of laughter, and it didn’t let up, absolutely friggin’ hilarious as always. Nice to see someone as cynical as me about the PS4 too. Also never do what Keegan says, he has exceedingly poor judgement… he likes Sega Superstars Tennis

  2. Sly Reflex says:

    One of the best columns on the internet.

  3. Edward Edward says:

    I love this way too much

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