The Richie Report – The Metallic Helix Retrospective

It’s the day after the General Election and we’re all pissed off. It’s not easy living as part of a nation of dickheads. This is why we need games. Virtual worlds with no David Cameron in them. I wonder if the Assassin’s Creed equivalents of the future will have you jumping around the rooftops of Westminster in an effort to cut his stupid posh face clean off of his skull? We can only hope so. Anyway, the last Richie Report was two months ago and since then not a lot has happened but it’s either this or do some real work, so let’s recap the shit out of Spring 2015.

There were some games out in March. Hotline Miami 2, the sequel to the popular neo-retro kill ‘em up, hit PSN but was somehow even less tasteful than the original and after a couple of hours of dying random peasant deaths I fucked that clean off. I was meant to review it too, but life’s too fucking long. Know what I mean?

Borderlands: The Handsome Collection landed on the next-gen and brought with it the entire story of Handsome Jack, one of the best Borderlands characters. A compilation of Borderlands 2 and the Pre-Sequel (along with all the DLC), the collection offered a stupid amount of gameplay for people who are somehow not bored of Borderlands yet. You can’t argue with the value for money on offer, but if you’re not a fan of fetch quests you may want to avoid this one.

There was a new Battlefield game. I’ve not played one since 1943. Not Battlefield 1943, but literally the year 1943. Fuck this series.

Fight to serve and protect, or SERVE YOURSELF

Instead, consider Jamestown+. I reviewed the Steam version on this very site and loved the shit out of it with its tasteful vertical-scrolling shooty action and spectacular soundtrack. The PS4 version comes with the DLC included and feels right at home on the PS4. It’s still as great as I remember. Balls hard though but not a bullet spazz like all them Japanese shooters that feel like you’re getting eye surgery at a rave.

For me, the surprise of March was Toukiden: Kiwami. The game is basically everything I hate. It’s a Dynasty Warriors-type of affair but without Dynasty Warriors‘ best feature (the massive crowds). Instead it’s really a sequence of boss battles with a baffling text-heavy Japanese plot, some weird fox thing with two tails and a load of interpersonal relationship stuff that makes little or no sense. The visuals aren’t amazing, the controls are clunky. So why have I sunk something like twenty hours into it? Because, despite everything, it’s really good. God damn it.

April’s first interesting game was Tower of Guns. This was a freebie for PS+ subscribers and was essentially a Rogue-like FPS. It looked awful, was a bit grindy and the upgrading curve was way off, with all the best upgrades happening all too soon. Despite that I was hooked enough to max out the PS4 AND PS3 versions. It’s good. But if you missed it, I wouldn’t be paying the asking price for it. Wait for a heavy sale on that one.

Mortal Kombat X was the main star on the shelves in April. The tenth regular Mortal Kombat game (there have been a few spin-offs that weren’t one-on-one fighters), this one ramped the violence up to ridiculous levels. I’ve only played it briefly (via Share Play on the PS4) but it seems lovely. That said, I’m not paying full price for an incomplete game (there’s a lot of DLC on this one). Especially as Mortal Kombat games lose their flavour after a couple of days once you’ve seen all the silly stuff. One for the future though when a good GOTY version comes out.

Le Freak, c'est chic

Speaking of getting your spine ripped out and your face bummed clean off, May’s looking a bit peaky. There’s some car bullshit (Project CARS), some motorbike bullshit (Ride), another Final Fantasy (X/X-2 HD Remaster), an expansion for Wolfenstein called The Old Blood (I’ve still got The New Order sealed on my shelf, of course), The Witcher 3 (are we not bored of RPGs yet?), yet another Street Fighter 4 (Ultra? Ultra bored of your shit, Capcom) and Splatoon for you WiiUsters.

On the plus side, Xbox One owners finally get the fabutastic Rogue Legacy, PS4 chums get Magicka 2 (which looks DOPE ASS) and I’ve just finished reviewing Ultratron and it’s a fabby little gem of a twin-stick shooter.

Next month isn’t looking great though. Elder Scrolls Online hits the consoles, Payday 2 hits the next gen, Batman hits some faceless thugs in Arkham Knight and another F1 game causes me to hit record levels of depression. On the plus side what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Still, let’s have a look at the charts. Maybe we can figure out why the UK loves shit games as much as it loves David Cameron’s stupid fucking face.

1. Battlefield Hardline – He used to bring me roses
2. Grand Theft Auto V – I wish he could again
3. Bloodborne – But that was on the outside
4. FIFA 15 – And things were different then
5. Far Cry 4 – We’d built our world together
6. Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare – With a love so clear and strong
7. Borderlands: The Handsome Collection PS4 – On the inside the sun still shines
8. Dark Souls II: Scholar of the First Sin – And the rain falls down
9. Dying Light – But the sun and rain are prisoners too
10. Destiny – When morning comes around

Right. Chelsea won the Premier League in the same week as the Tories won a majority in the UK. So if it’s all the same to you, I’m going to take a short walk into the sea. I may be some time.

Last five articles by Richie


One Comment

  1. Bing Stratos says:

    Don’t look at me. By the time Russell Brand said voting made me unique, cool and subversive, the deadline to regester my vote had already passed.

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