The Richie Report: The Copulating Cricket In The Janitorial Supply Cupboard

“inventing arses”
It’s a new day, it’s a new year for me… and I’m feeling sassy. Despite the excessive swearing and overall ranty nature of the Richie Reports of 2012, it wasn’t such a bad year. Sure, there were issues – GAME not getting finished off was a cruel blow, games journalist twats making for bigger stories than the actual games (and people actually caring about it) and fucking Zumba games dominating the charts. But it wasn’t all bad news.

We had new consoles in the PS Vita and the Wii-U, we had some genuinely decent games such as Kingdoms of Amalur, Hitman Absolution and Sleeping Dogs and THQ got fucked in their online-pass-inventing arses. So overall it could have been worse.

“wanker college”
Since our last report, the industry has birthed a few more mewling cabbages our way too. Far Cry 3 was perhaps the biggest game of the Christmas period. The sequel to the fucking hateful sequel to one of my favourite ever PC shooters, Far Cry 3 sees you and your wanker college buddies getting terrorised by pirates (the bad rapey sort not the poncey Johnny Depp ones) on a delightful island location. As a sandbox game it’s pretty much the usual mix of story missions and side missions with lots of travelling in between and with unnecessary shit like racing missions in there to destroy the tension of the story. That said, it is a lot of fun and it’s so much less up its own arse than Far Cry 2 that I can’t help like it. Oddly, it’s getting some ludicrously good reviews when it truly is just the latest in a long line of these sort of games, but if you see it cheap and have twenty or so hours spare, it’s worth a play.

Uhhh yeah, like I'm so totally hyped that we borrowed my dad's yacht for this like totally trouble-free booze weekend. Man, it's gonna be rad and, like, there may even be some naked native chicks hot for some college action. CHEERS!

That was the last of the retail releases of 2012 for the big boy consoles and so it’s onto 2013 and Anarchy Reigns, the latest offering from overrated Japanese developers Platinum Games. At first it seems to be the spiritual successor to Fighting Force that we’ve always wanted – a roaming beat ‘em up that keeps sword and gunplay to a minimum and has you punching and kicking your way around town. However, it soon becomes apparent that Platinum Games hate fun and the insanely-tight time limits (fucking time limits in a beat ‘em up are shit) and no-fun-at-all boss fights soon ruin what potential the game has. Still it’s kooky and Japanese, so fans of things like God Hand might get something out of it but, trust me, it’s a big bag of toss.

“shit that Japanese”
DmC: Devil May Cry continues the confusing modern trend of giving new games old names and is apparently annoying fanboys by changing Dante’s hair. Apparently that shit matters. As ever it’s more leapy, slashy madness and is full of shit that Japanese people love like demons and blood. A demo is out there if you fancy a gander but Keegan LOVED THE SHIT OUT OF IT if you need a recommendation.

Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch is the PS3 exclusive of the month and appears to be a J-RPG so I won’t be talking about that nonsense. Obviously.

Saving the best until last, the game of the month and an early contender for Game of the Year and Best Game Ever on the PS Vita is the port of Earth Defence Force 2017. This handheld version of the much-loved Xbox 360 budget gem crams the entire EDF experience into Sony’s miniature box of tricks and is absolutely wonderful. My review of it strokes the opinion cock until it squirts gaming glee all into your face, so go and read that, but if you’ve just acquired horrible arthritis in your clicky finger, the short version is that it’s great and you need it in your life.

“be disappointing PC”
Next month sees the big releases continue with Space Janitor 3 (AKA Dead Space 3) which interests me about as much as fucking cricket, a new Fist of the North Star game which is hilariously subtitled Ken’s Rage 2 (hahaha!), Aliens: Colonial Marines which interested me once before I remembered that Alien games are fucking shit and we need to recognise that, Sly Cooper: Thieves in Time which PS3 owners can half-heartedly look forward to, Crysis 3 which’ll be disappointing PC and console gamers alike and Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance which is a wanky-looking hack and slasher based on the Metal Gear character no-one likes.

Let's clean up this motherfuckin' place. Spotlessly.

However, like the Tiny Turner of gaming that I am I’ll be giving Colonial Marines a go despite the fact that it’ll be shit, the marketing has been fucking awful and Gearbox have treated this game so neglectfully over the last few years that it may as well be called Game A.

“dance 4 death”
Games news as the moment is so depressingly dull that the place I steal my news from is going on about DLC skins for that fucking Metal Gear game or something so let’s take a look at the charts.

  1. Call Of Duty: Black Ops II – oh fuck off!
  2. Fifa 13 – no, really. Fuck off.
  3. Far Cry 3 – good things happen when you remember to include fun in your games. By this point in its life, Far Cry 2 was in bargain bins being spat at by tramps.
  4. DmC: Devil May Cry – worth a look if you need a slash.
  5. Assassin’s Creed III – now being prescribed by doctors to help with insomnia.
  6. Need For Speed Most Wanted – sixth most wanted actually, EA.
  7. Just Dance 4 – death is too good for you people.
  8. Football Manager 2013 – Excel’s popular football skin continues to sell well despite being fucking dull as cockwater.
  9. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim – how is this happening?
  10. Hitman Absolution – wonderful, uncomplicated assassinate-me-do greatness proving that IO can make a good game when they actually try.

That’s it, lovers. Next month we go on a bughunt.

Last five articles by Richie



  1. Keegan says:

    That cricket picture made my day.

    Also, i think I’m in lesbians with you Richie.

  2. Richie rich says:

    Another great job with the formatting, Mark.

  3. Edward Edward says:

    A year ago, journalism looked to be dead, and then The Richie Report came and showed the others how it was done. Now I need these like addicts need crack.
    Bless you, Sir Richie!

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