The Richie Report: Infinitely Better Than Mundan-o-Shock
Beware the Ides of March! That’s what they told Julius Caesar, and they were right. March is shit, yo. Fucking hell, such slim pickings for this Richie Report that I feel like some sort of game-hungry tramp. It’s just like being the main character in Fallout 3. Anyway, that’s not to say there hasn’t been games; just not much that a brother like me can get behind.
The first ‘proper’ game out in March was Major League Baseball 13 but that’s not of much use to anyone, so let’s move right on to Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3. Actually, let’s not. That sounds like some sort of anime-flavoured wank.
The first thing that anyone actually cared about was SimCity. A reboot/remake/whatever of the metropolis-building god sim of the same name. I’ve always fancied a bit of this SimCity action. I’d make a good mayor, I think, although I’d just have to unleash the occasional Godzilla monster on my populous because, y’know, fuck them. Giant lizards are cool. I’d call him Spunkmeyer.
Where was I? Oh yes, SimCity. Apparently it was a bunch of broken shit that didn’t even work properly due to some sort of ridiculous need to be online all the time. Sadly, that’s all that anyone really went on about and certainly since the connectivity problems were fixed, no-one’s talking about SimCity at all. Ha! SimGrimsby mer like. Hrmmm! Hrmmm! Lara Croft was back on the same day, although I fucking can’t remember a time when she was away. Seems like there’s a new Tomb Raider game or port every few fucking seconds, but this one was meant to be a bit good. Not sure why; I watched the trailers and it just seemed like a posh bird getting slapped about. If I wanted to see that I’d have gone to live with Stan Collymore and Ulrika Jonsson (allegedly).
Anyway, after days of hearing nothing but ‘fucking hell Tomb Raider is amazing’, I bought it. Played it for a few hours. Fuck! I was conned. It’s just more of the same. Runny, jumpy fucking about with the occasional bit of stodgey combat. Great. Let’s fire up Tekken and Destruction Derby while we’re at it. Maybe I should have given Tomb Raider more time, but it was so very dull and I’m getting actually sick of Ubisoft thinking that every bit of game scenery needs shit written all over it. We’re done, Tomb Raider.
Sniper: Ghost Warrior was a likeable little snipe ‘em up and so a sequel wasn’t completely out of the question and here it is, and at a slightly budget price. Sniper: Ghost Warrior 2 (natch) however has taken a pasting at the hands of all the review outlets and is apparently a dull stealth section extended out across the lifespan of an entire game. Uh oh.
If that sounds dull then Gears of War: Judgment sounds like drinking your own weight in Night Nurse and then getting punched in the temple repeatedly by Mike Tyson. This, the fourth in the series (hence the colon-containing name) adds very little to the formula and scored under 80% on Metacritic (which is a drop for a Gears game). IGN gave it 9.2 though because they are fucking dreadful at their jobs and mustn’t be trusted.
More interesting is The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct. Alas, this survival horror FPS has nothing to do with last year’s wonderful Walking Dead point and click series but is an intriguing lemon of a game nonetheless. Ric didn’t like it much in his review but I’ve snagged myself a copy because I love a lemon. I’m expecting full-on citrus all over my chops.
Army of Two: The Devil’s Cartel was an inexplicable addition to the release schedules given that these games have literally no merit. Army of Desmond Tutu was the worst fucking game of 2010, a fact scientifically proven when Nolan ‘Fucking’ North and some other voice-acting prick have a conversation about fucking pandas. Stupid masked cocksuckers. I fucking hate Army of Two. And I hate games with ‘Cartel’ in the title so this game can make like Mick Hucknall and go fuck itself.
Luckily March saved the best ’til last with BioShock Infinite. Now here’s the thing, and I know you don’t want to hear it. BioShock was shit. I know. I finished it. The combat was dull, the setting was a bunch of damp corridors and the missions were fetch quests so dull, even Skyrim was looking for an excuse to get away from it.
Infinite, however, is lovely. The setting is a bit like the island from the cult TV show The Prisoner but set in the sky. It’s open, but satisfyingly linear, and the combat is brutal and bloody just like mum used to make it. I can’t say enough good things about it so far and I’m only half way in. Plus you know it must be good because you escort someone who isn’t a total fucking imbecile. Just like in Resident Evil 4.
Not a bad way to go out then and April too has had a smattering of full retail releases such as Ninja Gaiden 3: Razor’s Edge (a remix of the dullest hack and slasher of the last few years, Injustice: Gods Among Us (Mortal Kombat vs DC without the Mortal Kombat), Dead Island: Riptide (cash-in sort of sequel to the much-maligned but sort of brilliant zombie holiday ‘em up) and Star Trek (whatever). And it’s due soon because it took a while to get this Richie Report out the door. Bah!
Meanwhile, in hot chart action!
- INJUSTICE: GODS AMONG US – I’m not sure NetherRealm are capable of making a decent beat ‘em up anymore but the chance to punch Batman in the face is always welcome.
- BIOSHOCK INFINITE – early contender for Game of the Year and a real revelation after the previous games.
- FIRE EMBLEM: AWAKENING – yeah wake me up when this is no longer in the charts mer like. Hrmmm! Hrmmm!
- TOMB RAIDER – it’s pretty dull but to be fair it’s also very boring.
- DEFIANCE – somehow charting despite no-one actually playing it.
- FIFA 13 – you’re gonna get your fucking head kicked in!
- CALL OF DUTY: BLACK OPS II – this is why we can’t have nice things.
- LUIGI’S MANSION 2 – Luigi wins the lottery and gets coked up with lots of hookers. Rated PG.
- TIGER WOODS PGA TOUR 14 – this one’s for ma pa!
- FAR CRY 3 – You don’t even know how to say goodbye.
That’s March and April fucking sorted. Join us hopefully in May where we’ll sort that shit out too. Right, I’m off to go and do something I should have done a long time ago…
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