Remember Mia Passed Up Because Publishers Didn’t Know Women Existed

The coming months will see a Camcop-released videogame that will shock you to the very core, thanks to the fact that it features that most elusive of all creatures – a woman – as its protagonist.  The developers told us of the suffering they had to go through to get their title published. “It was really odd, we’d show them all the mechanics, what we were going to do with it, but as soon as we’d show them the protagonist they’d stop dead like they were deer in the headlights, or as if someone had just farted.  At first we thought we should just lay off the baked beans, but once we’d all undergone a colonic we realised it couldn’t have been our guffy produce…”

Indeed, the reason was altogether far more insidious. It turned out that none of the publishers had ever heard of a woman before. “They just kept staring at her breasts. At first we thought someone had ‘done a Tomb Brassiere’ and just made them too big on the slider, but then they kept asking unsettling questions about them, and we started to wonder if they’d ever actually seen a pair before.” Another developer confided “We asked them where they thought 49% of their sales came from, and one of them actually answered with ‘ghosts’. I was gobsmacked; a whole room full of old, white businessmen in suits and not one of them had ever even heard of a woman. It defies comprehension.”

Not being one to shy away from confrontation, I visited said publisher to demand a statement from the CEO, but was forced to leave when Dave, their receptionist, jumped to his feet, started screaming and called 118-118 asking to be put through to Ghostbusters.

About the author…
In West Philadelphia, Born and Raised, on the playground is where she spent most of her days. Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and playing some Pokémon outside of school when a couple of fanboys who were up to no good started making trouble in her neighbourhood. She got in one little flame war and her mom got scared, and as a result Cottingly was sent to Bel-Air, where she became the Fresh Prince of Gaming.

Last five articles by Cottingly Welles


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