Teabagging. We’ve all seen it. We’ve all probably done it ourselves at one time too. Go on, admit it. We’re all friends here. I can clearly remember the first time I witnessed this vile activity – unfortunately that experience was from the viewpoint of a victim. I was playing multiplayer on Turok and shortly after I met with a death, another player rushed over to the lifeless body of my avatar and well…you know. Still fairly new to online multiplayer at the time, I was unfamiliar with this act of degradation. I voiced my confusion by saying something like, “This guy looks like he’s dancing over here.” Another player was quick to point out what was really happening and I felt humiliated. I felt cheap, dirty and used. I couldn’t turn on the console for weeks. Just kidding, but that sounded dramatic, right?

Even if you’re not prone to such behavior, perhaps you’ve been tempted to return the gesture to the joker that just teabagged you. Engaging in this practice does nothing to discourage the middle-school behavior, but sometimes you just can’t help it. There is no need to put me on the stand, I’ll go ahead and admit I’m guilty of the occasional ‘teabag retaliation’. In my defense, the only time I can think of instigating a bagging was to mess with a buddy who didn’t know I was in the same match. You know who you are. I just don’t feel the need to celebrate a kill in such fashion; getting XP and my opponent seeing where I got them from is enough for me. Now, if you received XP for teabagging, I would probably be dropping it like it’s hot.

Now let’s muse a moment about the mindset of a habitual bagger: what is their motivation? Are they that proud of getting a kill that they have to make a lewd, boastful gesture? Do they not get kills very often? Or are they just some punk kid giggling with their buddies, all of whom should have already been in bed because it’s a school night? I personally do not take much from getting bagged, aside from the fleeting temptation to return the favor, however, I’ve seen many complain fervently about being assaulted in this way. It’s funny how such a silly virtual action can carry such a demeaning insult for some players, eliciting rage and the like. However, as you may have guessed from my article history, I have a remedy.

No matter if your assailant is teabagging you properly or not, my countermeasure is sure to leave them guessing. Before I go on, you might ask, “There is a proper way to teabag someone?” In my opinion, the answer is yes. I’m referring specifically to clowns I’ve witnessed on Bad Company 2 that land a kill from a notable distance and start going through the motions of teabagging for your kill-cam.  I find this act of “distance-bagging” amusing and sad at the same time. Note to teabaggers: if you are not in close enough proximity to the person you killed to teabag their body…you’re doing it wrong.

Now, back to the article already in progress. The solution I will explain offers a way to combat the baggers without stooping to their level of immaturity. As the name implies, Counter-Bagging requires you to reserve your chosen counterstrike until you are teabagged, otherwise it would be called Preemptive-Bagging, which may or may not be discussed later. Depending on which games you frequent, you probably won’t have to wait too long to be accosted by a bagging; once this happens, you can unleash your revenge.

Counter-Bagging is not limited to a specific move set and allows for improvisation on the part of the user; I will simply provide suggestions and encourage you to be creative. The steps and examples will be aimed at shooters, but should still give you some ideas for other types of games. I’m sure you are aware that teabagging is a genre-crossing phenomenon – I’ve even seen it a time or two in Soul Calibur IV.  So, without further delay, let’s first examine the fundamentals.

Step 1: Once you are bagged, hunt down the fool that got lucky enough to take you out. Your opponent shouldn’t be hard to find with such a big head, riding a wave of ego.
Step 2: Shoot that sucker down.
Note: Counter-Bagging does not require you to be in range of a proper teabagging. You will see why in the forthcoming examples.
Step 3: Engage in any number of strange activities except that which the bagger would expect (which would be a reciprocal teabagging).

Examples of Counter-Bagging:
A. Deceptive – let them think for a moment that you are returning the gesture
- Squat down, but then quickly spin in circles

Variation: Squat down, look skyward and quickly spin in circles
Combination: Squat down and spin in circles while looking skyward and shooting wildly

B. Keep it real…weird
- Quickly spin in circles
- Shoot wildly into the sky
- Jump up and down repeatedly

Combo:
- Look skyward and quickly spin in circles while jumping up and down and shooting wildly
- Shoot at the ground and jump as if your bullets are propelling you into the air
- Quickly look up and down with or without aiming your weapon. This should give the impression your are slowly nodding, headbanging or just being weird.  Don’t be afraid to spin in circles too.
- Quickly perform melee moves (can be used individually or in addition to previous examples).

You get the idea, right? The Counter-Bagging moves above are a hasty sample of examples. You might also take advantage of the environment when possible. Perhaps you’d like your opponent to see you run into a wall or other such object a few times. Maybe you want them to see you run over and stand in the corner of a room like you just got in trouble, or perhaps you’d like for them to see you detonate yourself with an explosive. It’s really up to you. The key is to make as little sense as possible and repeat your chosen actions each time you kill someone who teabagged you.

The repetition of your Counter-Bagging ensures that your foes realize you are doing something odd every time you get revenge; in turn, this also leads them to believe they are missing out on something. They will undoubtedly start to mimic your behavior and thereby make it viral.  Envision the end result as time wears on and everyone who kills you is engaging in an assortment of bizarre actions on your kill-cam.

Who’s with me? I believe we can make a difference. I believe we can live in an online world without teabagging; a world where no one lives in fear of virtual necrophiles; a world where your opponents all seem to be drinking from the fountain of crazy. I know this probably won’t happen unless the mature ratings on games are actually enforced but, hey, we can dream.

In the meantime…happy Counter-Bagging!

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