Gears Of War 3 – Review From The Future

After my future review of Bioshock 3 was well received, I sent a note in the time portal (did I mention the time machine has a time portal? Well, it does. Take that) saying “More reviews. Need more internet popularity”. Thankfully, future-me got the message, and sent me back a review of what was the most hotly anticipated game in the time it sent me it. So sit back, relax, and read this exclusive review (because of time travel) of Gears of War 3.
Note: May contain minor spoilers for previous games, and contains major Spoilers for Gears of War 3.

For reasons incomprehensible to most, this song plays on repeat pretty much the entire time you're on any sort of nautical transport throughout the game.

Gears of War 3 is the epic third part to the Quadrilogy known as the Gears of War series, and boy, does it start to get really interesting now. Continuing directly from where the last game left off, you spend pretty much the first hour of the game on a boat.
That’s it, really. You’re on a boat.
You get to take a long, hard look at said boat, though, if it’s any consolation.

However, once the game really kicks into gear(…s of war), over three hours later, you’re stuck with an incredible, satisfying campaign. The stunts are bigger, the explosions are better realised, the total length is much longer, and some of the new locations and monsters are so spectacular, those 3D glasses you have to wear will pop off your face with startling precision. Though, they do that anyway, due to shoddy manufacture. As well as the 3D glasses, which are mandatory for most of the game, each copy also comes with two books, one of which will be explained later, and the other a neat Gym, Exercise and Training book to help the players become as big and muscular as Cole. However, this faced controversy when it was revealed that the book mostly promotes ridiculous amounts of steroid abuse to reach such levels, and in fact, the Title of the guide, as well as it’s opening and closing chapter are simply called “The Primary Ingredient Is Steroids“.

Sadly, there are also occasions where the game is less effective than before. For example, the inanity of Razorhail makes it’s return, and despite never being welcome in any game, ever, manages to permeate in the campaign for a good five hours. As well as that, the lambent creatures from before are out in record numbers, and most of the gameplay is a lot less satisfying when faced with the fact most of your enemies will just explode you to death. Like those stupid lambent wretches, which insist on just bugging you and killing you by exploding. Stupid exploding enemies. They’re so annoying and stupid. In many cases, though, the campaign does everything it can, and frequently succeeds in overshadowing the previous games like a Brumak overshadows those stupid annoying wretches.

Stupid goddamn wretches.

Story wise, Gears of War 3, like the previous games, is relatively the same.
Continuing where the previous games left off, and running with the already established plot, Gears of War 3 once again sets Marcus, Dom and co off on a magical, labourious adventure where seemingly everything goes wrong, just to pull off another hare-brained scheme and unlikely gambit to rid the planet of everything locust like some kind of extreme pest control.

Who Ya Gonna call? Gears Of Ghostbusters! Remember not to cross streams... No Dom, NOT like that... Later!

While the roster of characters doesn’t stray too far from the original group of Marcus, Dom, the loud black guy who is good at sports, and the whiny, annoying pessimist who’s good with technology, there are a couple of changes. Firstly, and most obviously to many, is the fact that the third Carmine brother (the Gears-Equivalent to a red-shirt, or a family of Kennys) stars as one of your team mates, yet again. Maybe more suprising to those reading is the fact that he really comes into his own as a useful, viable character, who is one of the deepest, best written characters in a long while. His stories, voice acting, and personality all shine through, and you feel like he might end up being one of your favourite characters in a game for a long while. At least until he betrays you, becomes a temporary villain, comes back to your side, then is caught in a razorhail storm (Seriously? Razorhail?), raped by locusts (their spawn bursting out of his body like in that Alien movie about Aliens) and eaten alive by a Brumak.

As well as this, Marcus and Dom are again, eternally stalked by the invisible robot only they can see and talk to, Jack. This time around, Jack has been given a voice, and so Marcus and Dom will be forced into repeated, lengthy and unavoidable conversations with him. Also, he sounds like a mix between Jar-Jar Binks and Ewoks. Despite this, he’s necessary for the completion of a lot of objectives (like before), and thus, is an integral part of your crew, even if no one believes he exists apart from Marcus and Dom, causing a lot of wacky sitcom-styled comedy.

(Click image above to see Dom and Marcus in their *ahem* entirety) That's not just a censor sign, it's a warning. Dom's wang is deadly at close range

And speaking of Marcus and Dom, many fans of the heroic two may be incredibly divided by the subplot that goes on between the two. This is more of an idea that really came out from the fan community that the creative team took on and adapted themselves, but, for those who somehow aren’t aware of this, despite the incredible level controversy and the boycotts surrounding it, Marcus and Dom begin a romantic relationship partway through the story. However, the makers clearly knew how much it would annoy fans of the manly men, and all of the bros across the globe, which is why they manage to not only rub it in to the degree that successfully really annoyed those people, but manages to come across as brilliantly written, and if anything, the highlight of the story. So, while those expecting a game about manly men, doing manly stuff with other manly men won’t come away annoyed, they might come across a bit weirded out by the excessive massaging, oiling up, and sex scenes.

The biggest addition to the series in terms of single player can be summarised in three words:

Brumak. Farming. Sidequest.

This was something that managed to sneak up on everyone without anyone noticing, and considering the information leaks from everything else, it’s odd that people seem to care more about homosexuality than farming. Anyway, it sounds like what it is. Early in the game, you find some lonely Brumaks, and decide to farm the shit out of them, because why not? Thus begins your slow descent into addiction. The sidequest is incredibly solid, and throughout the game, you’ll find yourself trying out loads of different techniques of feeding, breeding, growing and milking.

Of course, this brings you lots of different benefits, depending on how you play and farm, and while it’s optional, you then miss out on the ability to ride your brumaks into battle, use them to access secret levels and areas, or breed/fight/milk them against other Brumaks online. Once the single player has finished, however, the Brumak Farming will be accessible on a separate unlocked mode, so you can unhealthily lose your life to it. Some say the whole premise doesn’t make sense, and shouldn’t even be in the game at all. Some say it’s a cynical attempt to make the game appeal to more casual gamers, and increase longevity.

Most think of the Brumak Milking scenes, and promptly vomit. Then die inside.

You don't want to see the milking section. No one does. At least it's better than Farmville.

Moving onto the multiplayer, one of the series strongpoints, the game yet again, doesn’t fail to deliver, and the quality of the multiplayer is again, fantastic. There are a multitude of modes, yet again, and while many old favourites, don’t think Gears of War 3 doesn’t have plenty of new modes to try out, as well. As well as latching onto the current craze of “Punch Yourself In The Face“, the new multiplayer mode that seems to be sweeping videogames at the moment, (wherein people have to punch themselves in the face repeatedly, with the winner being the first to punch themselves into unconsciousness), Gears of War 3 also has some brand new modes which will go onto great things in future. The best of these being “Mad Hatters“, an insanely addictive new mode wherein everyone is wearing a stupid hat, and you have to beat each other down with your bare hands for wearing such stupid hats, then wearing them yourself as a fashionable trophy. However, some modes, like “Talk Out Your Differences“, while well thought out (you’re forced to talk things out with someone else until you agree to disagree, or you sort out the argument) are inherently flawed, filled with quitters, and provide no discouragement or disadvantage to simply using the opponent as a punchbag, and thus, probably won’t catch on. There are rumours that “Mad Hatters” could be implemented into many games in the future, such as Bioshock 3. Whether that’ll be true or not will come down to how popular it becomes in this game.

Building on the multiplayer experience, the makers realised that the previous iterations of the series are mostly filled with whining, loudmouthed teenagers, who aren’t supposed to be playing online due to the age restriction. To counter this, many different measures have been put in place to both cater to this audience (more on that later), as well as prevent this from ruining the experience from others. With each copy of the game comes with a copy of “Insulting for Dummies“, in order to at least improve the quality of the insulting online. If this fails, there’s new voice recognition software, wherein if the user is under the age rating and cursing or otherwise making a fool of themselves, proving the futility of life as we know it, and/or dissuading people from using the online service, then the controller will deliver onto the body a powerful electric shock to the genitals, and won’t stop until they do. However, there have been some issues with this, in that the voice recognition will frequently mistake the players’ voices for girls, and thus, won’t shock them (the electrocution is ball-seeking).

Other effects of the software recognising underage users includes a mandatory language filter, meaning that most dialogue will be toned down, muted, or replaced with educational information. While this caused a stink with concerned parents who were concerned about the materials in the game, and of course, the ball-shocking, the makers of the game retaliated by telling them to learn how to parent their own damn kids, instead of relying on media and entertainment to do it for them.

Oh, and all the locusts are revealed to talk with stereotypical upper-class english voices (they’ve been putting on the grunts and nasty voices as a joke against your own prejudices), their insides have been replaced with candy (like a pinata), chainsaws have been replaced by rainbows, and all the guns have been replaced with walkie talkies.


Last five articles by Edward



  1. Useless Jack says:

    And again a very nice review from the future. Since I haven’t played GoW but the first two hours of Coop-Mode I can’t say much about the inside jokes, but I really like your writing. Reading your article I had to think of “Harvest Moon: Brumak Island” and “Monster Hunter – Gears of War Edition” and if that ever comes true I’m glad I’m living in a country where videogaming can be a crime. Oh, and if you ever want to make a “Future Videogamin in Germany” article, just give me a call.


  2. Benjy says:

    Cool story, bro.

    No, seriously, very funny, I liked it, shame Gears of 4 (that’s actually what they call it) doesn’t live up to the hype.

  3. Samuel The Preacher says:

    Hah, this is especially amusing considering every time I switch on my 360 just now it comes up with that teaser trailer for the new upcoming Gears 3. I can’t say I’ve ever been a fan of Gears games, I played the first in co-op around a mate’s house a couple of years ago, never even bothered with the second one. All the hype Microsoft have recently started to build over the third one is leaving me cold, or going right over my head.

    I can see what Mark meant yesterday when he mentioned he was getting Ed’s permission to use a slightly “risqué” image on the article… though I was expecting a half naked woman. I feel cheated now.

  4. Lorna Lorna says:

    Enjoyable as ever :D Not a fan of GOW but hell, all-guy love ins will be a nice antidote to the typical ROTM stuff usually seen in games. ;)

  5. Adam Adam says:

    I’m all for the Brumak Farming! Though the Brumak milking sounds messy…

    Loving this series Benjy, keep it up :D

    Welcome to Gaming Lives Jack

  6. Mark R MarkuzR says:

    I’d probably buy this if the controls were less irritating than the first GoW, which really put me off the series for life. I loved Farmville though, for about two months, so I reckon I’d spend most of my time milking Brumak to be honest. I’m like that. I’ll tend to get more involved with trivial things in games rather than main missions… but that’s what they’re there for, right?

    Is Dom’s wang real or was it genetically modified? It looks rather inflamed to me, although it could be friction burns I suppose. Fenix looks like he’d be quite tight.

    Although i found this entire article funny, I laughed aloud at the thought of a profanity filter that would replace inane rantings with educational information. If ALL games could do this, with the level of profanities that occur when I’m playing, I’d end up learning so much from my educational overdubs :D

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