Be My Player Two

At least this guy has his prorities right... make the house out of ice yeah, but make sure you can still get on XBL

It takes a lot of work for this site to run as well as it does. Some people might take Victor’s Twitter whoring, the fantastic forum or the regular updates for granted but behind the scenes, there is a fair amount of co-ordination. Being a lowly writer, the majority of my behind the scenes work centres around making sure my articles don’t cover the same topics as something that is due to be published – and working on blueprints for an unusually large Gaming Lives jizzgloo for Markuz, but that’s confidential. For example, I know that fellow GL writer, Ben is currently writing about the culture of female gamers hiding under the idea of ‘girl power’. The whole “I’m a gamer and a girl! OMFGZ!” culture is a rather annoying and borderline sexist one; you wouldn’t see a male chef saying “I work in a kitchen and I’m a boy!” for example so why girl gamers need their gender pre-fixed to their hobby is beyond me, but that’s not what I’m here to discuss.

While girl gamers seem to be all the rage, being a (guy) gamer and a self professed geek still comes with a lot of stigma. Despite the majority of households in the UK owning at least one console, gamers are still seen by the general public as nerdy, reclusive virgins which is only half true and while I don’t really give a damn what the general public think of me, this image of a basement dwelling, sex starved man-child; controller in one hand, Warhammer rule book in the other is very debilitating when trying to find a partner. Without trying to brag, I have had a fair few girlfriends but none of them really embraced my inner geek. They could accept it, but they never quite understood it. We’d never cuddle up on the sofa and have a quiet night in front of the Xbox, we never once had a discussion about why a Utahraptor would win a fight against a Japanese spider crab and we certainly didn’t share the same enthusiasm for collectible figurines and Lego. This always led to the sense that I could never fully be myself around girls, which may explain why my relationships don’t seem to last very long. Do you know how devastating it is to find out that your girlfriend thought the stormtrooper helmets on your hoody were cars because she’d never seen Star Wars? Or to receive a blank, empty stare after explaining that you spent £25 on a Halo 3 figurine because it “looked awesome”? If not then you are lucky to have a partner who understands and accepts you for who you are. Or you don’t own Star Wars clothing and gaming toys.

I asked my last girlfriend if she'd like to "polish my helmet until it shone" and her eyes lit up until I whipped this baby out!

The problems aren’t just limited to conversations or the time spent together either. Valentine’s Day is a particularly difficult celebration for most men in relationships because, let’s be honest ladies, we’re too busy staring at your chest to hear or care what type of perfume you’re requesting. Depending on how you look at it, I was lucky enough to be in a relationship when Valentine’s Day rolled around last year. She used to be an avid PC gamer, but I didn’t hold it against her – she had a 360 and a SNES after all so she wasn’t a total lost cause…Valentine’s Day was approaching and we both agreed that presents where in order. Being a typical male, romantic items such as flowers and chocolates were out of the question, but knowing that a computer game related present was a viable option, I started thinking of possible gift ideas. “What games has she mentioned?” I asked myself. Professor Layton was the first thing that came to my mind, but unfortunately she already bought it herself the day before. I was back to the drawing board. Suddenly, I remembered back to the previous Halloween. Dead Space had been released, causing my girlfriend at the time to squeal with delight. She was a huge horror fan, having a large collection of gory movies and regarded Silent Hill as the best game ever. I rushed to the shop, picked up a copy and wrapped it as neatly as I could. I have never seen such a look of disappointment when she opened her present. Maybe I should’ve just bought her a pink slanket instead.

There's only one thing wrong with this girl... I don't know her gamertag

I’ve been single for 3 months now and it’s already starting to show; my beard has become so unkempt that passing wine making enthusiasts keep trying to pick blackberries out of it and I haven’t left my room for anything more than work or food in about four weeks. It’s time to have a shave, leave the house and try to meet a girl who will embrace a geek like me. I might even put an ad in my local paper’s lonely hearts column.

Single, 22 year old male seeks a female who understands the difference between FPS and RTS, knows that Transformers are more than meets the eye, appreciates the need to spend £30 extra for a collector’s edition steelbook case and ‘statuette’ – read; toy – and realises just how awesome dinosaurs are. Ability to speak in binary code or Wookiee, optional.

Last five articles by Iain



  1. Mark R MarkuzR says:

    I loved this article dood. I am, I have to admit, one of the lucky ones. Not only did I meet my awesome girl in a particularly geeky situation, but we had ridiculously geeky conversations about Star Wars, Buffy, Amigas and other suitably nerdy topics. Her immediate response to my “TK-421, why aren’t you at your post” throwaway comment in a chat room made me swoon with delight. Getting to know her was just as fun… finding out that we shared a mutual love for text adventures, we both loved old gaming machines, and realising she was an absolute nutter and was happy to put up with my… foibles.

    Every birthday and christmas we’re giving games to each other, and for her last birthday she got a Master System II and a NES to add to her collection. We’ve bought countless consoles together since, countless retro machines and when I spent a lot of money on Fred, that gorgeous Brotherhood of Steel statue, she thought it’d be cool to have ANOTHER one at the other side of the door to the gaming room. Can’t really ask for much more than that.

    The girl that appreciates your awesome stormtrooper jacket (it WAS awesome!) IS out there… just use the force ;)

  2. Pete says:

    Use the force, just don’t use force! Society doesn’t like it! ;)

  3. Mark "Z" says:

    Dude, im in the same boat. Been single for about 6 months and never had a girlfriend that understood my love for gaming. If you find anyone out there, check if she has a geek friend for your old pal Zero! :P

    Laughed out loud in the office at the GL Jizzgloo.

  4. Samuel The Preacher says:

    As one of those “basement dwelling, sex-starved man-child”s and “nerdy, reclusive virgins”, I’ve got to say, at least you’ve been on dates. You’ve got very little to complain about. I’m 24 and I’ve never had a proper girlfriend – there was one girl, but it was definitely one-sided insofar as she was happy to play on the Xbox and go see Star Trek in the cinema with me, but not much into me. I got as far as trying to cuddle whilst watching anime and being pushed off, because she was neurotic about being touched. So you could have it much worse.

    At this point, I have to admit to having mostly given up.

  5. Ste says:

    My gf doesnt embrace my inner geek but to be honest I’m not that bothered. She doesn’t expect me to take up her hobbies so its all gravy. We play the odd bit of Wii together and I suppose it would be great if we played more games together but things are great just as they are so Im happy.

    @MarkuzR – Your just a lucky shit aint ya.

    @Pete – a valid point well made.

    @ Preacher – I really don’t know how to respond to that, but don’t give up, press continue.

  6. Rook says:

    We expect an update article on the result of that ad. If you’ll have time to tear yourself away from the legion of girls that will want to use your joypad.

    I’m surprised Zero didn’t try to claim the girl in the last pic, especially as she has her penguin showing.

  7. Lorna Lorna says:

    Fucking loved this piece :) maybe if you stopped showing them your basement of delights Pix, they may stay a while ;)

    Seriously though, I can appreciate how frustrating it must be. I suppose being female, I have less of a worry, but navigating the waters of men who are football fanatics or chavvy dart players to reach the geeky waters of destiny isn’t always easy either.

    I went out with one non-geek once. Never again. I was stuck in the pub all fucking night bored off my tits while he played darts – possibly the most tedious fucking game on this earth and drank with his idiot friends. The only thing going through my mind was ‘He’d better fucking get me home in time for Babylon 5′.

  8. Samuel The Preacher says:

    Where were you before I’d given up all hope of a relationship? I’d never have left the house, you’d have been thinking “He better find a save point in time for Babylon 5″ instead. Heh.

    Mark, you really are a lucky bastard.

  9. Rook says:

    @Lorna – loved that last thought. – COLON CAPITAL DEE

  10. Kat says:

    Pix3l! Loved this. I’d totally answer that lonely hearts ad :D

    I know there’s something to be said for having different interests and not having to embrace all of them in a partner but being a big old nerdy geek ;) is a huge part of you and your life. I think it can be important to have somebody at least share parts of that with you. I had a great day yesterday talking about Tim Burton movies, sucking at arcade games in the Troc and wandering around Forbidden Planet for aaages. There are lots of ladies out there willing to embrace your inner geek, just a matter of finding them in RL. Good luck! :)

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