Doktor Ric: Video Game Character Love Doctor

It’s a fact of life; we all need a little help sometimes. Whether it’s getting a friend to help you move, or falling back on your parents for cash and a place to sleep, it’s always nice to know there’s someone you can count on. And even fictional video game characters need this resource available to them, especially when it comes to matters of the heart! Hi, I’m Doktor Ric, everyone’s favourite love doctor, and today I’ll be answering some burning questions from some of the biggest names in gaming. Let’s get right to it, shall we?

Dear Doktor Ric,
I just started dating the most beautiful woman in the world, and things are going great; we’ve been on a few dates, we’re getting along like a house on fire, and she’s interested in taking things to the “next level”. I’m excited, of course, but I have a small problem. When it comes to getting down to business I have sort of a… short fuse. I tend to explode early, you know? Obviously I don’t want to mess things up with her, but I’m worried that if I shy away from bringing her back to mine for too long, she might shuffle elsewhere. Any tips?

Bob Ombson

It takes a lot of courage to admit this kind of thing, Bob, but we’ve all been there. Things get all heated up, sparks start flying and before you know it you’ve blown up before things get really interesting. Don’t stress about it too much; it’ll only make things worse.

First off, remember that there are plenty of things you can do before you start getting your own fuse going. Of course, since you’re lacking hands and a mouth, the more “conventional” methods of foreplay are out, but don’t be afraid to try new things. Try grinding up against her body with yours to get things started and see where things from there. Maybe get your feet involved if you’re feeling adventurous! And don’t be afraid to keep this going for a while; there’s nothing sexier than giving your partner all the attention for some time.

When you actually start to do the deed, maybe try not to think too much about what you’re doing and over-excite yourself. Try and think about other things to cool yourself off – count how many times Bowser has kidnapped Princess Peach, or think about a catchy tune you wouldn’t mind looping through your head. Don’t over think it though – you don’t want to let things fizzle out completely!

But, if you’re really serious about this girl, and too nervous to try these things straight off, maybe just talk to her about it. You don’t seem like a particular shy guy, and if things are going as great as you say they are then you shouldn’t have any problems. Honesty is the best policy, and it could save time on a potentially messy and embarrassing problem later on!

Now get out there and blow her mind!

Dear Doktor Ric,
Through my line of work I often meet extremely attractive women who are inextricably attracted to me despite the fact one of my arms is a twisted mixture of metal and flesh. That and I kill people for money using a sword. Not that I’m complaining, but I seem to have a problem – I’m really bad at talking to women. In fact, all I do is stare at their ladybits for a while and then whip out a stick of chewing gum and hope they’ll sleep with me. It’s worked well so far, but now I’m looking for something a bit more than a quick lay. Could you help me out?

Mondo Zappa

Wait, so you’re telling me you don’t actually speak to these women, just ogle them, shag them and go home? Mondo, that’s a bit creepy. I can definitely see why you think you need help. I’ll agree that sometimes there’s nothing quite like a glance at a woman’s chest to get the blood flowing, but a stimulating conversation is far more enjoyable in the long run. Try starting simple, like maybe a “hello”. Ask her how her day was, and see where the conversation leads from there. You don’t want to dive straight into asking about hopes and dreams, but you can get there fairly naturally from just everyday conversation and generic small talk!

In terms of giving gifts, I probably wouldn’t recommend chewing gum, well, ever. Unless she really likes chewing gum, I guess. It’s not like I have a pair of sunglasses that can see every woman’s taste in gifts! Flowers are a cliché but may well be a nice touch, although in general you should probably get to know someone before bestowing objects upon them. And never expect sex in return! That’s definitely not the right way to go about things.

Now get out there and use your words. And keep your eyes up, mister!

Dear Doktor Ric,
I’ve been having this on again, off again relationship with a guy for a few years now, and he keeps appearing at the most inconvenient points in my life and usually nearly gets me killed. Yet I can’t help but be in love with him, even if he is a borderline genocidal maniac! I know he’s descended from Francis Drake, so exploring and treasure hunting is in his blood, but it all gets a bit much at times. Should I stay and try to make things work, or is it time to seek out a new adventure?

Elena Fisher

I’m not going to mince my words here Elena; this guy just doesn’t sound worth it. Living an exciting life full of danger and mayhem can be fun for a while, but eventually you need to find someone you can go for a quiet drink with that doesn’t start a brawl when someone looks at him funny.

If you’re really committed to the guy, maybe start dropping some subtle hints about him giving up his crazy lifestyle. Book yourselves on a holiday to somewhere unlikely to contain buried treasure – I hear Leeds is pretty nice this time of year! Or if you want to try a more direct approach, give him a treasure hunt that leads to the bedroom and show him your own version of Shangri-la. Then he’ll never need to leave again! Just remember that blokes like this don’t take too kindly to criticism, so be sure to let him down gently, no matter which way you go. Suggesting he’s anything less than perfect could land you in a sticky situation.

Three hopefully satisfied customers there! But it won’t stop there. Are you a video game character with a romantic problem? Looking for some professional help? Get in touch, and I’ll do my best to solve your conundrum! Until next time, readers!

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  1. Edward Edward says:

    Mario slipping in a cheeky finger, there.

  2. Chris Toffer says:

    “You don’t seem like a particular shy guy”

    I really, really hope this was a play on words.

    One of your best Ric. Excellent stuff.

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