BA Games Apologise – We ran over your mum, but it’s totally a good thing.

After the recent tabloid-dubbed “Mothers’ Day Massacre” during which a safety server outage at BA Games resulted in garbled co-ordinates and logistics, causing mums everywhere  to be inexplicably run over, BA have today issued an apologetic press release in a bid to regain the confidence of their now-orphaned customer base. While the statement makes no mention of their inherent idiocy with regard to not having enough of an online backbone to support the day-one rush for their latest DLC-laden always-online release, they do throw gamers a bone (presumably from their deceased mothers) by offering a discount code of 10p off their next purchase over £100k.  It is the opinion of this reporter that, while their move shows a degree of compassion (around 0.00001%), it is too little, too late.

We at BA Games strive to give you, the gamer, the best quality ‘not having your mum run over’ experience we possibly can. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, we have run over your own mother in the street. Rest assured, the person responsible has been fired. We quite literally went at him with a flamethrower, then sacked him. I’m happy to report that, due to this, running over of your mum has gone down by at least 100% and, through a combination of optimising our drivers with cutting edge spectacle technology and a series of critical training programs on how not to run down your mother, we promise that in the future more care will be taken when your mother crosses the street, be that on crutches or in a wheel chair. If she is still with us.

As Community Manager for not running mothers down in the street, I just want to say that I love you. No, I mean it; this is proper love and if you don’t agree to marry me right this minute I will cut myself. And when I do, do you know what will come out? Love hearts with your name on them. But hey! It’s not all bad. You mother was a bit of an asshat anyway; remember when she didn’t get you that Batman car you really wanted for Christmas when you were seven? Well… secretly this was revenge for that, because no one disappoints the gamer I love!

Yours now and forever (seriously, I’m outside please let me in),

I.P. Frehley
BA Games

Due to the inconvenience of the possible death / permanent disability of your mum we would like to offer you a free replacement mum from BA’s catalogue of mums. (Please note: Only Sim mums available, do not expect conversation. Conversation packs available from the Oranges store for £19.99 per word. Sim Mum always online, if taken outside of wireless network, connection will be lost and she will die. Offer only valid until 23/02/2013. Sim Mums are known to spontaneously explode and cause permanent death to all within 10m.) We hope that this gift cements the love we have for you as our one and only gamer.

About the author…
Cottingly Welles studied journalism at Kidman University, (Cockintake, Staffordshire) where she earned an MA in International Political Communication and a PhD in Global Journalism. Welles resigned from her position of Editor In Chief at Gamestrop after uncovering a review-rigging ring in 2002. Today, still wanted by the government, she survives as a soldier of truth. If you have an industry problem; if no one else can help… and if you can find her… maybe you can hire Ms Cottingly Welles MA PhD.

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