Bert,

Please find enclosed my full report at Toffington Hospital.
I trust you’ll make the appropriate persons aware.

Regards,
Sigmund

Sigmund Bullfrog Esq.
Ministry Of Medicine

Annual Hospital Audit.
Date: 25th July 1997
Time: 19:37
Location: Sir Toffington The Third Memorial Hospital.

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All information is deemed confidential.

I, Sir Sigmund Bullfrog Esq., hereby give my account of my findings at Sir Toffington The Third Memorial Hospital. This was part of our annual visit and shouldn’t have been a surprise to the Administrator, whom we still only know as ‘Chris’. He simply refuses to give us any further details. Most unprofessional I daresay, but I do digress. While this report may seem routine at first, I invite you to examine some of the peculiarities (which I’ll summarise at the end).  So, in the interests of full disclosure, I henceforth present my account as accurately as recollection permits.

09:03:
Arrive promptly at Sir Toffington Memorial. Chris isn’t outside to greet me and neither are his staff. I enter through the front entrance to a rather bare area. There is some seating and a desk but no people around. I turned around to see if I had, perhaps, been mistaken at using this entrance, when I heard a noise behind me. I faced the desk to find that a young blonde receptionist had appeared. I wasn’t quite sure where from, but at the time I thought nothing of it. I announced who I was and she gave me the all-clear to proceed. Things seem very calm. First impressions are good.

09:35:
Begin by touring the General Practitioner offices. These are tidy and well maintained. All are staffed with male doctors and have appropriate waiting facilities outside. One peculiar thing I did notice was that they were all exactly identical. Each is exactly the same size, with the windows placed in the same position. Inside each office is a standard sized desk, a filing cabinet, a patient’,s chair, a radiator and a bin. Each is in exactly the same position in each room. Most odd. Patients seem happy enough, although I did witness some very sick people enter those offices. I also came across the Training Rooms. This Hospital does have a reputation for an excellent training program. Sure enough, it was full of Interns being led by Consultants. Good to see.

10:10:
Moved myself away from the General Practitioner officers after tripping over a gentleman’s tongue. Yes, his tongue. It was lolling from his mouth and protruding in a disgusting manner. He tried to speak but end up spitting everywhere, so I carried on. Ended up by the Psychiatric Department. Found seven gentlemen outside with flashing blue lights above their heads, all dressed as Elvis. It was rather strange and I did wonder If I’d left the hospital and strayed into some sort of strip club. I did remember an announcement over the wireless about emergency cases of King Complex coming in, but I didn’t think they literally meant The King. I looked inside the office but there was no doctor inside. I carried on.

10:52:
Leaving the Elvis impersonators and their flashing blue lights, I moved deeper into the hospital. Clearly my earlier thoughts about the hospital being rather quiet had been incorrect because it was starting to get rather busy. The Pharmacy department came into view and, this being one of the leading hospitals in that particular field, I thought I’d stop and have a look. I passed by some patients who were complaining about being to cold and wishing they could have a drink. I rounded the corner to find no less then fifteen radiators and twelve drinks machines. The administrator needs some advice about placement of facilities.

All of a sudden the temperature went through the roof and I began to sweat profusely. I went to sit down only to get a loud scream when I placed my bottom upon the chair, which made me jump like a cat on a hot tin roof and I flew straight back up. Despite there being no-one in front of me I managed to bump into three solid objects. Voices then started speaking to me as if from thin air; one asked me to remove my hand from her breast. I had no idea what was going on and quickly ran off down the corridor, wondering if I had been hallucinating from the sudden heat increase.

11:30:
I decided on an early lunch, having skipped breakfast, and looked around for the canteen. There isn’t one. There are hundreds of vending machines though. Hundreds of them. They only seem to dispense drinks and Kit-Kats. I hate Kit-Kats. I did, however, find the Staff Room. It was full of Nurses, Handymen and Doctors, despite the fact that I’d been hearing the wireless calling for Doctors to all departments. I looked around for an authority figure to speak to; this was clearly unacceptable if people were waiting. I couldn’t see one, but to my horror when I looked back inside the room all the staff were gone. I was standing by the only door. Quite confused, I continued on my journey.

12:12:
Things were really starting to pick up now. The hospital was full of patients and things were getting hectic. Keen to see how Toffington Memorial handled the increased patient flow, I sat down and observed the comings and goings. It only took fifteen minutes but in that time I witnessed some incidents that shocked and appalled even this seasoned professional! Firstly, I saw a group of people heading downstairs towards the clinics. They were all glowing bright green! A passing Nurse advised me that they were suffering from Serious Radiation Poisoning and were heading to Decontamination. Surely they should not be roaming the halls?! I got up to protest but found myself distracted by someone with a rather bloated head. He got halfway down the hall before vomiting. I rounded a corner to try and find a Handyman, only to discover the Research Department. To this day I’ll never forget what I saw. They had an Alien in there; a little green guy with one eye. I saw him enter the large Research Machine. He was fully alive when he went in and he never came back out. All that came out was loads of data on how to combat this disease. It was at this moment that I decided I must leave and report my findings.

12:35:
I began to run to try and find the exit, deciding I needed to get out of this horrible hospital immediately. I thought I was back in the Pharmacy area but I appeared to be wrong. It was strange because everything looked the same, but the rooms were different. I looked in through the glass, hoping to see the reassuring face of the Nurse. Instead I saw two Surgeons operating on a patient. The board outside said they were removing kidney stones. It was slightly aggressive to actually surgically remove them, but maybe the case was serious. I watched as they removed the kidney stones and then placed them in what appeared to be a doggy bag. The patient then actually hopped off the table and walked to the exit carrying his bag of kidney stones! What madness is this? The patient has just had major surgery! I turned back to confront the doctors but they had disappeared from the room! Somewhat flustered, I quickly located an exit sign and moved closer to salvation.

13:00:
While everything I’d seen up to this point had been rather strange (and even illegal), nothing prepared me for what was about to happen. I finally found my way to the exit and felt a sense of relief wash over me. However, within meters of escaping this madhouse the ground began to shake. The receptionist announced that there was an earthquake! I grabbed hold of the nearest wall and watched as people fell onto the floor. Loud bangs started ringing around the hospital and I realised that machines were exploding. I watched as patients came flooding back down the corridor from the Inflation and Fracture Clinics; to my horror smoke was pouring out of both rooms. Handymen were being requested to all departments.

I peeled myself off the floor just in time to see a helicopter land; it was transporting no less then fifteen emergency patients, all of whom had Jellyitis (which I was later advised was a disease brought on by too much exercise). I watched as they made their way to the Jelly Vat for the cure, but the problem was that with the continuing earthquake the Jelly Vat wasn’t working. Not only that but I couldn’t see any Doctors anywhere. They were being requested by reception but all the patients just sat outside and waited, their little flashing blue lights highlighting the urgency of the situation.

13:10:
Still no doctors and I watched as the Jelly Vat Clinic filled with more and more smoke. None of the patients had been treated. I started to panic and tried to find someone, but was just as unsuccessful as I had been in the past. My panic turned to pure desperation as I watched all fifteen patients suddenly stand up and then violently vomit all over the floor; other patients passed by as if nothing had happened, walking unconcerned in all the mess. Two Doctors came around the corner but refused to listen to my protests as they followed signs for the Staff Room. In frustration, I turned back to find more patients passing through the corridor, vomiting as they reached the corners.  I tried to grab a nearby Handyman to help me but he was more interested in watering some plants.

13:15:
At this stage, the situation had descended into utter chaos. A final earthquake struck and caused the Jelly Vat to explode, filling the room with black, charred rumble. The entire West Wing of the hospital was covered with vomit. As if matters couldn’t get any worse, I watched as all fifteen of the Jellyitis patients stood up and then fell to the floor with a nasty case of Death. Concerned with the immediate health hazard, I began to make my way to reception to request to use a phone to call someone from the Ministry of Medicine. Before I could even reach the end of the corridor, however, I witnessed a sight that, to this day, I’ll never forget. All fifteen patients stood upright as the Grim Reaper – Death himself – appeared. He proceeded to usher each of the patients into a glowing red hole that had appeared in the floor. Somehow I didn’t think it lead to the second floor paediatrics department. I began to feel rather faint and just before I collapsed I heard what sounded like a shotgun being fired at a rat that I’d just seen flick between two of the many, many vending machines.

Summary:

Overall, I think I can safely say that I’ve never been to a more disgusting, poorly run hospital in all my years. It’s like this ‘Chris’ is running a circus rather then a hospital. Apart from the lazy staff, poor up-keep of machinery and apparent lack of actual medical knowledge there are some more concerning points, the first of which is the fact that people are being treated for what appears to be ‘Invisibility’, which I find rather absurd. The Psychiatric Department also appears to be indulging the fantasy that such a thing as ‘King Complex’ exists. There are serious concerns for disease control when considering the irradiated patients wandering the halls, and the fact that patients seem to get treated and are sent home with no-follow up medical whatsoever is appalling. I’ll be submitting this report to Bert Townsend, Head of the Ministry of Medicine for immediate review.

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Bert Townsend: Final Review

Having read this report and visited the hospital myself, I can say that the events chronicled appear as untrue as they do ludicrous. I’ve personally seen to it that Sigmund Bullfrog is removed from active duty immediately and put in a place of care while he undergoes psychiatric evaluation. Clearly the stress of the role has caused him to have some sort of nervous breakdown. I visited Sir Toffington Memorial Hospital the very next day, due to the nature of this report, and I was greeted at the door by the administrator, ‘Chris’, who quickly explained that he had concerns for Mr Bullfrog. He’d spent the entire day walking around the hospital in silence, occasionally looking in a couple of rooms before leaving.

When I enquired about the reported occurrences within this audit, Chris claimed to know nothing and said that the only problem he had encountered yesterday was that he couldn’t remember the number combination on the fax machine to withdraw extra cash (he certainly said this, but when I queried it he laughed it off and said I’d misheard him). Despite the administrator’s odd nature, everything within the hospital was in working order and, therefore, we’ve awarded him the yearly grant that we promise to all hospitals upon successful audit. I did ask that he put some of the money into vending machines for his hospital, however, because the only accurate part of Bullfrog’s report was that all I could see to eat were bloody Kit-Kats.

Last five articles by Chris

• My friend, David.
• Meridian: Squad 22 - Review
• It Was Him or Me
• Coming Full Circle
• Ellipsis - Review