Best Moustaches in Gaming

Sunday, November 11th, 2012
by Tom

Well, it’s officially here – Movember; that wonderful time of the year when men (and occasionally women) the world over don a moustache to raise money for charity. And to help get you in the mood we have created the ‘Best Moustaches in Gaming Awards’ ceremony. So without further ado, put on your best tux and cue the opening theme music, because its awards time…

Our first award is for the ‘Bushiest Moustache’. For this we looked at only the finest examples of wild and untamed facial hair. There were many contenders, but only one truly stood out from the rest. Our winner for ‘Bushiest Moustache’ is:

Dr Robotnik
(Sonic the Hedgehog)
With a soup-strainer boasting both a decent width and length, this crazy ‘tache resembles two ginger hedgehogs clinging to the Dr’s upper lip. When asked if he was surprised at the result his moustache had achieved, he replied: “No. It is a transcendent life form that exists in the past, present, and future. Defeating it here, now, would do nothing.” Clearly the words of a man with a lot on his mind.

The next award goes to the ‘Broodiest Moustache’; the moustache which we felt most encompassed the character’s inner turmoil and simmering emotions. A ‘tache which screamed “woe is me” merely through its existence. This category saw a bitter competition between two of the nominees, and although both sulked and scowled their way into our hearts, only one could win, and that winner is:

Adam Jensen
(Deus Ex)
Stylish-yet-melancholy, this futuristic crumb catcher is the perfect upper lip decoration for a man questioning his life. We asked Adam how he felt about the award and, after ten minutes of brooding silence, he answered: “I never asked for this”, before quickly diving out the window. I only hope he had the Icarus Landing System. Commiserations to Max Payne for second place after he brooded himself into a coma.

Our third ‘tache-related accolade has been around for as long as we can remember, back to a time when swordplay wasn’t an innuendo and peasants roamed the lands, this is the ‘Ye Olde Moustache’ award. A wide range of moustaches were thoroughly examined, and one unanimous winner was chosen:

Oghren
(Dragon Age)
You know it’s a good moustache when you can plait it into your beard, and that’s what Oghren brings to the table. Women throughout the land have complimented him on the length and girth of his… moustache. Flame red in colour and boasting ‘tache bling in the form of golden rings; this was an easy decision. We spoke to Oghren about his award and he had this to say: “Well paint me green and call me a turnip.” Awe-inspiring words indeed.

Staying in the past, we have the ‘Wild Westiest Moustache’ (included purely for the name). This award goes to the moustache that… well, because it looks the most like a cowboy’s moustache? I don’t really know, but the winner is:

Jack Marston
(Red Dead Redemption)
Honestly, this is just an impressive moustache that I wanted to give an award to. A stylish and all-round-badass lip mongrel, this makes you want to grow your own. Jack may follow in the footsteps of his father John, but he does it with better facial hair. When invited to comment upon receiving the award he said: “This should fetch a good price”, obviously a man who needs to get his priorities sorted out.

Up next we have the most ‘Retro-tache-tic Moustache’ (pause for laughter). The idea of this award was to find the moustache that best represented a generation. After much searching, we were able to find just such a beast, and so the winner is:

Harry Tipper
(TimeSplitters)
This 60’s super sleuth’s fanny-tickler makes him a sex god to both men and women. Perfectly encapsulating the vibe of the age of the hippy, Tipper’s tache is so cool that his top lip has freezer burn. Upon accepting such a prestigious award, Harry had this to say: “Space, man!” Ah… the wonders of the 60s.

It’s the homerun now, people; we’re down to the final few. The following award is for the ‘Fakest Moustache’. Worn by a man incapable of growing his own, but who still wants to appear socially acceptable, a man who is willing to stoop so low as to stick plastic to his face in the hopes of tasting the sort of prestige that only a fully-grown nose mullet can bring, if only for a fleeting second. That man is:

Dr Ned
(Borderlands)
The crazed brother of Dr Zed, Dr Ned wears his plastic face fungus with shameful pride over his operating mask. While an unholy desecration of the glory a ‘tache can bring, this fake moustache does allow the player to differentiate between Ned and his brother, who clearly aren’t the same person… or are they? In response to receiving the award he said: “I was never as good as my totally-not-made-up brother, Zed, and we’re totally different people. Ah, I need a drink”. Glad he could clear that up.

It’s now time to address the darker side of moustaches. This award goes to that mouth-monster you never want to meet in a dark alley, the one which plagues your nightmares; this is the prize for the ‘Creepiest Moustache’. Only one man proved to be instantly creepy enough to earn this award, and he is:

Blaine
(Pokemon)
What makes this tache so creepy? Nobody can say for sure save for the poor unfortunate kids who must fight the magical creatures ensnared in his balls. Speaking of magical creatures and balls, we caught up with Blaine for a quick interview in which he had this to say: “You’d better have Burn Heal!” At which point he had to leave for an urgent rap battle against Professor Oak over an alleged ‘yo mama’ joke.

Up now is an award that goes out not to an individual, but to a game; a game that we feel offers people a veritable buffet of upper-lip hair. This is the ‘Tache For Your Cash’ award, and its winner is:

Fable III
(Fable III)
This game boasts an impressive ray of frankly great moustaches. From Sabine, to Captain Swift and Sir Walter Beck, each one is as epic as the last. No other game can even offer half as much facial fuzz for close to a similar price. When asked to comment the game was unable to as it is inanimate.

Finally we have our most prestigious award to hand out. An award given to the singularly-most-impressive moustache ever to grace human eyes. It’s the kind of tache that makes ladies swoon and babies weep, takes makes angels jealous that they can’t grow facial hair. It breaks records and the sound barrier. Men want it, their taches yearn to be it, and women want to caress it, this is the ‘Golden Tache’. And the winner of this biblical title is… drumroll please… now goddamit…

Dampierre
(Soulcalibur)
Words seem inferior when trying to describe this mesmerising twirl of hair he has crafted into perfection. Men and women alike have lost hours of their life gazing upon it in euphoric bliss as their mind seeks to unravel the sheer magnificence of it. Yet all have failed, their sanity drained by the pure, unadulterated hulk of manly loveliness sprouting from below his nostrils to grace both his lip and the world. So… yeah… we like it. And when asked about the honour of receiving this title Dampierre and his tache of golden dreams said: “Oh ho ho ho ho! Such perfection from Le Bello!” The words of a moustache god.