The Time We Went To Germany And Samuel Got Robbed

It’s these two thirty in the morning starts that sometimes make me wish I was a casual gamer. At least that was how I felt this morning when some dubstep bollocks was blasting out of my alarm clock. Well, I think it was du step; I’m not entirely sure what dubstep is if I’m honest. Loads of boring driving and a short flight, blah blah blah skip to the end and I’m now sat in our hotel room in Cologne. I’m feeling differently about it now; I’m glad to be a ‘core gamer, I’m looking forward to all the things we’ll be seeing in the next few days and whatever trouble Ben and I can get ourselves into this time around in our great Gamescom adventure.

I’ve felt like we were forgetting something all the way over here, but it only just dawned on me what it was or, should I say, “who”. Sadly, Lorna’s not joining us on our adventures this time, so this whole thing could go tits up pretty quick without her keeping us all in check. In her place is the Cornish wonder known as Samuel; this whole expo thing is a bit new to him, and Ben and I have been winding him up by telling him he needs a tie for the Sony press conference and stuff like that. We laugh about it when he’s not looking, but we were that green once. He’s currently fannying about with his new camera while dressed like he’s going clay pigeon shooting; bless him, I’m sure he’ll do fine. Ben and I have decided we are playing Top Gear rules this trip anyway, which means if anybody falls behind they get left behind; that and we might try set fire to a caravan if possible.

Once Samuel had finished messing with his white balance, we headed out to get some food and started to realise that everything is a bit weird here. Everything is a bit foreign and everywhere seems to be obsessed with selling something called Currywurst; I won’t lie to you it doesn’t look pretty. Samuel tried his hardest to get the German equivalent of a Cornish pasty, but refused to go into a German bakery to get one. After a bit of a wandering around the train station/shopping centre thing in the centre of town, trying to work out what they call a cheeseburger in Germany, so we know what to order off a menu, we gave up and found a McDonalds. You know what they call a quarter pounder in Germany? A Royale with Cheese. Then I spotted something in the corner of the menu board, something which I thought I would never see again… the McRib! I thought these got banned for being genetically engineered or made from babies or something, but I would have never suspected the Jerries stole them from us. I was so happy I could have cried. German Coca Cola tastes loads better too. What a glorious lunch that was.

Refuelled and ready to go, we set off to explore Cologne. Well, I say explore… we just kind of wandered around looking for the fabled EA Sports bar for bloody ages and got lost on a building site right near some rather swish looking buildings, which seemed to be defying the laws of physics. Then, after what seemed like forever, we admitted defeat and decided to wander back up on the water front… the water front where the EA Sports bar was. Why the hell do EA have a sports bar anyway? You could argue that the branding fits, but it seemed weird… but then we got the bill… ahh this is why EA have a sports bar: two beers and a coke for 9.50 Euros! Anybody would have thought we were in an Activision establishment, robbing bastards. I don’t know why I’m moaning though, I let Samuel get the first round in and I declared we were leaving just as I finished my last sip. That’s like bloody ten quid, and they weren’t even pints. They we’re piddly little things you’d expect J2O to come in at a working men’s club. I wanted one of those big ass beers in a tanker with a lid. Samuel got robbed buying my beer.

Quick sleep and it was time to go and meet Mark at the airport. Now, I think my logic in what happened next is pretty sound. I went to the platform next to where we got off the train from the airport earlier that day and got on the red train with the “S” on it, thinking it would take me back to the airport. After about an hour of sitting on this train it dawned on me that maybe that wasn’t my smartest idea of the day and the train was now well clear of the city and gunning it across Germany. I got up and asked the fella who looked like he might work on the train if it was in fact the train to the airport. “Nein” he replied… “oh shit,” I said, “yarrr… oh shit,” was his reply, as he continued to tell me exactly what I needed to do to get back, and over an hour after I should have been there, I met Mark at the station.

As for today, I hate to disappoint but that’s it really; hardly any gaming has been done. Samuel’s gone out to pick up his pass for the Sony conference and I may challenge Ben to a game of battleships on my iPad later, that or I’ll have a sleep. Sorry if this diary has been a bit boring and ‘real world’ for you, but the show doesn’t really start until this afternoon but, rest assured, as soon as it does we’ll all have many tales for you. As for our plans, we’ll be wandering around town collecting various passes for things during the day and then the EA Team (Adam and Joe) will be covering the EA press conference, which starts at 3pm (UK time) – watch it online here and the Sony conference starts at 6.30pm (UK time), which you’ll be able to watch here.

Over the course of Gamescom we’ll be doing our best to keep you updated and get our previews of the show hotness published as quickly as we can. You can also expect some daily diaries and we’ll even bring back our podcast for the week. In addition to all of that, we also want to bring you a lot more (and hopefully daily) video content, from interviews to booth tours and me generally talking bollocks to camera.

One thing we really want to do though is get you guys much more involved with what we’re doing. So if there is something that you know is at the show and you want to know more about, send us a tweet or write on our Facebook wall and we’ll do our damned hardest to find out for you. We’ll also be running daily competitions and as a way of thanks for getting involved and we’ll be giving away random bits of swag from time to time and announcing the “chosen” on our daily video report thing (which doesn’t have a name yet), or on the podcast, so make sure you keep checking back and make sure to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get involved.


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  1. UselessJack says:

    Well, you won’t be lucky to find these big glasses of beer you know from the Oktoberfest here in Cologne. Most bars sell “Kölsch” which gets served in small glasses and tastes like piss. But thats just my opinion, really. If you want to drink “normal” beer, just ask for Weißbier (you spell it Wise-beer). And try the Currywurst. It’s basically just Bratwurst with Ketchup and Curry. The “Taste-o-meter” goes from horrible to 5-star super food, so you might want to take a look at the cook first.
    Have fun up there guys, I’m looking forward to hear from your shenanigans. Bring me a souvenir, will ya?

  2. Edward Edward says:

    Have fun, Lee!
    Totally jealous of you, lucky sod.

  3. Tania Tania says:

    You see what happens when Lorna’s not there? ;)

    Sounds like you guys are having fun, keep those diary entries coming!

  4. Lorna Lorna says:

    Currywurst is fucking gorgeous and you should try it if you get the chance, it is far nicer than it looks and sounds! Also, I remember the McRibs, but I preferred the Chinese ribs that they did as a limited time thing years ago.

    Only you could get lost by not checking it was the right bloody train. FFS, this is what happens when you don’t have me there with my little home-made city book.

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