Oh my, it appears that you've uttered a profanity. However will I forgive you?

See what I did there? No? Ah well, perhaps I should have used a pun based on music from this century. Anyways…

What do you think the biggest advance in modern gaming is? Motion control? Cell Processors? Super duper shiny graphics and stereo sounds? No. The clue was in the title – go on, have another look at it and see if you can work it out while I go and have a cup of tea…

Ok, back. Did you guess? That’s right children – online gaming. To me, a recent convert it is like magical voodoo in your lounge. Magical voodoo that allows you to make friends and blow shit up/beat people up/race cars really fast/play UNO with people all around the world who you will likely never actually meet in real life as if they were sat right next to you on your sofa.

However, there is a dark side to all of this. Forget the Daily Mail baiting excesses of Rockstar, or the ridiculous ‘titillation’ (with the emphasis firmly on ‘tit’) of the DOA ‘games’. I’m talking about addiction. Real, solid 24 carat teeth itching addiction. The kind that turns the life and soul of the party into a homeless junkie drop out.

I can’t say, even though I am a fairly avid gamer, that I have finished many game campaigns in the last twelve months and, of those that I have, I bet that more than half were done co-operatively. LIVE has come to completely dominate my gaming habits, to the extent that even when I AM alone online (and my 360 is ALWAYS online when it’s switched on) I will still have my headset firmly strapped in place, like a baby clutching his security blanket even though it’s broad daylight and all his friends and family are in the room. There I will sit, often aimlessly going through the menus or absent mindedly playing Peggle or Geometry Wars, waiting for that distinctive ‘ping’ that announces a friend has appeared online to whom I can talk or with whom I can share a game.

The sad reality is that, if this were real, the numbers would rival Arlington Cemetary

This, I have to say, has not been an easy revelation to come by. It was in fact brought into sharp focus for me by recent events, namely the loss of my first 360 (which in itself was an event that made me feel I had passed some kind of gamer initiation test) Currently, my ol’ faithful (if that is an appropriate name for a piece of electrical equipment that lasted a paltry 18 months) is residing somewhere in a landfill, the result of my ill advised attempt at self repair to avoid the extortionate cost of M$ actually fixing their godawful mess. As money is tight in the G household of late, I was forced to ‘go without for a while’. It was the metaphorical equivalent of quitting smoking – in fact it was worse (I actually quit smoking over a year ago and found it relatively easy)I had everything – the shakes, the irritability, the constant feeling of unaccountable loss. And what was worse (and more telling for my point) I couldn’t bring myself to make the ‘effort’ of playing a game on any of my other numerous systems.

But, then came the good part. The shakes subsided, the irritability faded and I began to re-discover all the things that I had lost in my constant LIVE-fuelled haze of late nights, headshots and last ditch wins. I saw more of my lovely wife, we had had more time for ‘special quality time’ (if you don’t know what I’m referring to there you are definitely not old enough to be reading this – get out!) I re-discovered my love of reading (and indeed polished off dozens of books), watched more films, went out more, slept better and even finally kick started my potential future career in publishing by scoring a gig proof reading for a US publisher in my spare time. In short, I started living life again with all of those hours that LIVE was no longer taking from me.

Of course, this couldn’t go on forever. The Wii, DS, PSP, PS2 et al could only amuse for so long. So recently, with the pleas of my online friends becoming ever more strident, and my bank balance finally starting to look a bit healthier (thanks to the aforementioned proof reading) I finally took the plunge and bought myself a replacement Jasper chipped arcade, which t’interwebz faithfully promises will definitely absolutely not overheat (cause of death of the last one) RROD or do any other thing that we inexplicably accept as a community from a £150 electronic device every 6-18 months. Probably. Coming back has been both lovely, and also hard. You see, I have commitments now, as well as having recently re-discovered a whole slew of other interests that fulfil me every bit as much as gaming. But like that first cigarette after a long abstinence, the temptation is there to throw oneself in again wholesale, throwing caution to the wind as you chain your way through three packs in an hour. So to speak.

From feeling like a zombie without the XBox 360 to slaying them in co-op... I see a pattern emerging!

However, interestingly, my newly self imposed restraint has not been the hard part (would be a fairly dull article otherwise). Moderation of my habit has been relatively straightforward, especially with the support (and indeed temptation) of my lovely wife. Last Saturday night though, I arranged ‘a night’. You know the kind – pick a game, arrange a time to meet up and finish at ? o’clock the next morning. My wife approved of this ‘treat’ to myself, so the stage was set, and at 9:30 pm, I duly arrived online to hook up with my compadre to play some of the incomparable L4D2 campaigns. Zombie slaying all nighter? No brainer…

Alas, it wasn’t to be. My intentions were good, I promise, but by midnight it was obvious to me (and everyone else in the party) that I was flagging. My eyes were drooping, my reflexes were all to cock and my game (never admittedly particularly strong) had gone to shit. I tried to persevere, but the writing was on the safehouse wall – by 1am it was painfully apparent that I had to call it quits before I REALLY embarrassed myself, and I finally accepted defeat and hung up my pad.

So, is that it? Has my love affair with gaming ended? Have I finally done the unthinkable and ‘grown up’?

Have I bollocks.

This game will help to blow the cobwebs from the Wii... finally!

Since experiencing a lack of LIVE, I have re-discovered so many other passions, not the least of which was (eventually) gaming on other formats, something that when I came to think of it I hadn’t actually done all that much of at all since first getting LIVE a little over two years ago. I have a forty minute commute on the train to work. I have a DS and a PSP. It shouldn’t be a difficult equation. Yet I hadn’t been giving either machine any love at all. I was either playing the 360, sleeping or thinking about the playing the 360. Even my (whisper it) Wii has finally been dusted off and is getting some love (when I get some more cash I desperately want Monster Hunter Tri). It’s not just gaming that has expanded – my job has suddenly become a potential career with prospects and responsibility, and married life has become even more fun (nudge wink saynomore)

So whereas this may seem a bit of an odd piece for a gaming website, I actually think its a good message for all of us. Yes its a cliché, but clichés become clichés by virtue of being true, and never a truer word was spoken than ‘all good things in moderation’. Gaming is awesome, and will always be a HUGE part of my life, but I have come to realise that there is a thin line between passion for a pastime, and allowing the pastime to rule your life to the detriment of so may others.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife has THAT gleam in her eye again. Duty calls…

It's important to remember that some zombies are slower than others!

Us gamers have a vast knowledge of what to do when the earth is in danger – whether it’s an alien invasion, an airborne Zombie Virus or a nuclear holocaust, we have the gaming knowledge to keep our virtual selves alive in desperate times. But what if one day a virus does break out, turning the whole world into zombies? Or nuclear war does hit, taking the all the world’s population by surprise and turning everything into a barren wasteland? Will us gamers out there have the knowledge to survive the harsh environment? With all this in mind, I have decided to come up with a guide to surviving the Apocalypse, this five-step program will take you through what to expect, covering zombies, nuclear fallout, alien invasion and, if we are super unlucky, hell on earth.

Step 1 – Arm yourself
If Fallout and Left 4 Dead 2 are anything to go by, pretty much anything can be used as a weapon. Whether its a magnum you have managed to stash away somewhere on your person, or a frying pan you have found just lying about, anything can be used to beat down the dangers that lurk on the Earth’s surface. Also, if games are anything to go by, you can hold a lot of weapons at any given time. According to DOOM II you can stash up to nine weapons on your person at once. Or, if you really wanna analyse your games for the Earth’s inevitable doom, play some GTA IV and see what clothes Niko Bellic is wearing because you can stash a whole array of weapons from pistols and sawn-off shot guns, to full-blown rocket launchers and sniper rifles… handy! Which brings us to step 2.

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you.... oh right, it's a rocket launcher? My bad!

Step 2 – Finding the right attire

In case of Apocalypse, dress up as a well known 1980s horror villain and people will be sure to steer clear

As I said in step one, a good route to go here is the GTAIV route because, lets face it, it has magic pockets to store your whole armory in. But defending yourself is also key to survival, and a good armored suit is the way to go in most cases. Unless you are Duke Nukem of course, then you can just wear a tank top and watch the bullets bounce of your huge pectorals.

Taking a look at Halo, Quake 4, Aliens Vs Predator and Doom, I think they are on to something here. Green and brown is this season’s Apocalypse colours, and are definitely good for camouflage whatever terrain you are – just make sure it is well armoured.

There are probably those of you out there who didn’t pack an Apocalypse bag before the earth was destroyed, so my advice to you (well more Fallout’s advice to you) is to grab anything you can and wear it, regardless if it’s a silly sack on your head or huge armour that probably weighs about a ton.

Step 3 – Finding shelter
You need somewhere safe to stay when any sort of Apocalypse strikes. In the case of zombies, if you manage to find a huge door that bolts shut then you’re in for a win. These doors can be found on any building – whether it is a block of flats, a country house or indeed an old wooden shack you will be just fine, once said door is bolted shut there will be a plethora of supplies and weapons for you.

In case of Nuclear Apocalypse however, it gets a bit more tricky… mainly because most things have been blown to smithereens. That said, you will find some places that have remarkably stayed intact, or you can just find a load of corrugated metal and build yourself a quaint little town, just make damn sure there isn’t a nuclear warhead in the middle of it. It could either explode or have crazy people worshipping it.

With an alien invasion however, you’re probably not going to have any shelter at all – you will mainly find yourself running around lots, shooting anything that moves but, having said that, I have heard space stations are a nice destination this time of the year.

The Rivet City Hilton. Yeah ok, it's not much... but we call it home.

Step 4 – Finding Sustenance and/or medical supplies
You want to stay alive, right? Well if games are anything to go by, food and drink will heal your broken bones within seconds. Fallout and Wolfenstein have both proved this theory. Whether it is a hot meal or a nice cool bottle of radiated cola you will feel better, and in no time that bite you got from a crazy dog will heal right up.

In other cases such as Left 4 Dead, you have to scout around for medi-packs. These things are stashed with bandages and well… bandages. You will feel right as rain in no time after you apply these magical fabrics. Having said that, if we take a leaf from Halo’s book, then simply stepping on medi-packs will automatically heal you, or if your feeling hardcore like Duke Nukem then simply kick a toilet in and drink the water. You will feel ready to kick some more butt in next to no time.

Yes Zero, even after the world has ended there'll still be penguins ready to meet your buttery fist

Step 5 (The Most Important) – DTA

Common practice for a post apocalyptic earth is to DTA – Don’t. Trust. Anybody. Look after number one at all times. Left 4 Dead teaches us that crying humanoid creatures really don’t want our help, they just want to rip our faces off, F.E.A.R. has shown us that small girls can really be mind-controlling, crazy things that can scare the living Jesus out of you and will also rip your face off. Lets face it, everything out there in post apocalyptic earth is just wanting to rip off your face. Dogs, zombies, zombie dogs. It’s pretty dangerous out there.

And there we have is it – my five step program to surviving doomsday and post apocalyptic earth.  If you haven’t gathered, by the way, Earth is the number one target for anything… so be warned.

There is one slight problem though. I haven’t played a game that tells me what to do when the ice caps melt. Bugger.

January first - the day for positive change. Off to a good start this year, let's see if it continues!

Unfortunately, as with most people scurrying around in the rat race, there’s either never enough time or what little time is afforded to us by our hectic lifestyles is undoubtedly squandered or ignored.

I recently made the decision to move to a four day week, given that most of my working day was spent helping clients to operate their own PCs or explaining how to set up email accounts on their systems – none of which are actually my responsibility, but somehow ended up being part of my job description that first time I spent time replying to a question which should actually have returned the response “Use Google”.  It is therefore my belief that, by becoming the “Inverse Yes Man”, I will be able to achieve a week’s worth of work in four days rather than starting my work at 6pm once everyone stops emailing and calling me.  That’s the idea, anyway.

It's quite incredible that eight or ten hours of each day can be spent telling people what Google could tell them if they bothered checking

Now that I have this luxury of an additional 24 hours at my disposal, I have another quandary on my hands – what to do with the time.

The answer should be relatively simple, being summarised with a short and snappy “everything you’ve not been able to do thus far, my friend”, and yet the more I think about what I could be doing, the more difficult it becomes to actually decide on a way forward.  So much so, that I now live in fear that my time will be swallowed up thinking about what to do with the time.  I know there’s an obscure Red Dwarf reference here, but I’m not aux fait enough with Red Dwarf and if I tried to cite it I would likely do it an injustice… therefore I’ll refrain.

The logical response, however, is that I should embark on a project to play through as many cellophane wrapped games as I possibly can before I do what I always do – become involved in one single game months, or years, after the buzz has died down and there’s nobody to enthuse with.  Out of the thirty or so original XBox games that I had, I only ever played Sims (briefly), Robot Wars, Jurassic Park Operation Genesis, Morrowind and maybe tried out a couple of driving games but the remainder still sat proudly, albeit radiating loneliness, on my shelf while I indulged myself in only a few titles.  The XBox 360 has been the same, with three years worth of back catalogue taking up more space as each month goes by and another new addition takes its place within the silent ranks while I concentrate on one title for months on end.

If I continue to buy games without playing them, I'll have to take driving lessons to get through the stockpiling

I’ve yet to play Assassin’s Creed even though all around I hear people boasting about their completion of Assassin’s Creed 2.  The same goes for Left4Dead, it’s one more game I’ve yet to even play a demo for while all my friends are taking part in multiplayer nights with the follow up.  That’s the problem with being what I’ve coined as a “selective gamer” – when the choice is between cuddling up to a familiar game or wading through unknown territory like The Hoff in the “alcohol free” aisle of ASDA, I tend to side with my old friends rather than taking the plunge with something new.

Having said that, I have a pretty damn decent list of “must play” games at the moment, some of which are PC based and the others are Xbox.  As soon as I’m done playing through Risen on the PC I’ll be deciding between Dragon Age: Origins, Divinity II: Ego Draconis, Borderlands, Brutal Legend and hopefully borrow Assassin’s Creed to give that one a shot.

On reflection… I’m looking forward to my four day week!