The journey home...

If the journey out was a trek enough, then the voyage home was going to be ten times worse.  For a start, we had to be out of the Duplex by arse o’clock in the morning.  Or 10 am as it is known to everyone else.  After being cruelly mocked the previous day by Lee for taking an age to pack (every time he came in to the room I was sitting in a different position, staring at the mess of stuff to cram into the cases), we were about done.  It was a case of hauling chargers out of walls, clearing up, and stuffing our now, sadly, defunct passes into bags.

Our flight wasn’t until about ten that night.  Fuck knows what we were going to do with our suitcases until then, but we headed for the airport anyway to see whether or not we could check in and snag some seats with decent leg room.

I was still burning from the memory of the last time I crossed paths with US Airways, so I wasn’t looking forward to this one bit.  So… we meet again, US Airways.  What’s this, you’re trying to foil me with your lovely and helpful desk clerk?  A clerk who, for once, has seated us all together, and in seats with more leg room than a football pitch?  Hmmm, what’s the catch?  Perhaps they were going to take both of our bags this time, or rip Lee’s even worse than they did the last time.

My suspicions were to remain in place until I got all of our bags back, in one piece, in Glasgow on Monday morning, but with the cases thankfully ditched, we hopped in a cab with a recommendation from the helpful clerk and headed to Marina Del Ray.  First stop, the Fisherman’s Village, which is more a frontage of a few shops and eateries than anything else.  We saw a seal.  Bored, we headed instead for the hallowed halls of the Cheesecake Factory once again, finally settling at a table with a decent view over the beach.

The Cheesecake Factory... we sensibly settled on burgers

Being from the UK, the gloomy day was a relief from the usual burning LA heat, and the look the waitress gave us when we said we wanted the patio heater (seriously – all the patio heaters were on) switched off, was priceless.   After we stuffed ourselves on the last good meal we’d likely see Stateside and toasted GamingLives’ first E3, we wandered along the beach, finding a spot in the shade to talk, and watched the sea lap at the sand behind a cluster of palm trees.  Talk turned to combing over the previous days and how sad we all were to be leaving.  It had been an exhausting experience, but one we were already missing and the thought of almost two days about to be spent in the limbo of travelling wasn’t a pleasant one.

Mark enjoying the water

Mark went down to paddle in the sea with Lee, while Ben and I sensibly opted to stay in the shade and talk.  Half an hour later they returned, looking noticeably pink.  Pink began to turn to red.  I was blamed for throwing away the sun block that morning but was having none of it, especially since neither of them had shown an interest in using it up until that point.  Even Lee threatening to tell his mum on me didn’t work.  Ben and I shared a look and our smugness remained solidified, even in the face of being called pussies for not stupidly frying ourselves.  After saying a last, wistful goodbye to LA, we piled into a cab, and headed back to the airport for the nightmare trek home.  The first internal flight was uneventful; we had a ton of room and came away with the lovely gift of cricked necks, despite using Lee as a pillow at one point.

Rather than hang around in Philly airport for over fifteen putrid hours for our connection to Glasgow, we plumped for a hotel room.  Quality Inn.  The name reminded me of Quality Street chocolates – the name promises so much, lures you in, and once your money is spent… well, some pretty meh things are left to be unwrapped.  As a gamer, you never expect the in-game locations that you blast your way through to manifest in real life.  We can now all say that we experienced it.  Well, almost.  But we could have, that’s the point.

The first sign was the breakfast.  While Lee and I threw caution to the wind and ate what could only generously be described as sausage patties, Ben and Mark sat giving one another smirking looks.  They had apparently seen them being removed from a drawer – yes, not a fridge – and microwaved, spilling a ton of fat in the process.  Despite the warning, I went ahead anyway (shut up, I was desperate), following it with a huge waffle.  By this time, we were eyeing our surroundings with a degree of caution and surprise – Lee, being the subtle creature that he is, came right out and said it.  It looked like one of those hotels/motels on the TV where people get murdered.  Lee decided to film everything, from his food to us, eventually delivering a Blair Witch style message in case anyone found the camera buried in some mysterious ruins a year after our disappearance.  He then turned it around to record his last will and testament, ending with a message to his brother Adam that he can’t have any of Lee’s fucking stuff.  Too right.

Scary stuff indeed.

We then paid, got our key and headed to the room; Lee kept going on about bodies and the place was suspiciously deserted.  The stairs reminded me of those in a council tenement, but something else too.  Something familiar was nagging at me.  Then we reached the balcony and memories of fighting through zombie hordes and the inferno of a blazing hotel came and kicked me in the chest.  Fuck me, this was Dead Center.  We were in Left For Dead 2.  I didn’t need an adrenalin shot at that point to spur me on to find the door.  Work, damn you key-card.

The hotel room had two double beds and we chucked our stuff down and slammed the door “before the murderers get us.” (Lee). It was surprisingly clean, but horribly familiar.  Mark kept insisting this was his room in Novac in Fallout 3, but for me this was bloody Left for Dead.  And I’m shit at FPS games.  With no pills here and a distinct lack of crowbars, Samurai swords, and pistols, we were left to stare around, trying not to make too much noise in case it alerted the horde.

Ben contemplates a night in the "Murder Hotel" while Lee checks the peephole for Zombies and murderers

Lee kept insisting that this was the sort of hotel that appears in films where people get murdered and we were inclined to agree with him.  He spotted what he claimed were several drug dealers in the car park (the package one was carrying had two eyes, a black nose, and a lot of dog-like fur.  It may, in fact, have been a dog).  My eyes, however, were on the swamp opposite and the handy Hunter-sized outlet above it.  Lee, by this time, was convinced that we would be murdered and that the marks on the headboard (which Ben was now leaning against), were knife marks.  I sniggered my way into a facepalm, while Lee twitched at the curtains again.  Mark tried some common sense:  “We’ll be home in 24 hours.”  Ben then cursed us by saying:

“Unless the storm moves in, then we’ll be staying overnight.”  I slipped my hands over my face before the second round.

Lee: “In the murder motel.  In a storm.”

Someone asked whether the door was locked.  Lee’s reply of “It won’t stop shotgun” was hysterical, and we couldn’t stop laughing… but we double checked the lock anyway.  I’d made sure to dib a bed furthest away from the window; Lee was unhappy at being the closest (hah!).  He shut the curtains to “stop the murderers looking in” and banned Mark from opening them before slumping back on the bed while we all giggled, likening our situation to being in the witness protection program.  Out of curiosity I asked what Lee’s new name would be.  After a long pause to consider it, he decided on Lando.

We managed to get some sleep in between a Witch crying outside… (it may well have been the maid screeching something about housekeeping, but we daren’t find out) and some other racket – probably a CEDA raid.  It was raining when we woke up, and visions of the Hard Rain level in Left 4 Dead 2 floated before my blurring eyes as I peeped out at the ‘swamp’.  Lee, in the meantime, was distracted from his fantasies of drug dealers and murderers prowling the car park by his arse falling out.  Sausage/zombie pattie vs hungry gamer, one nil.  Joy.  I had also eaten one.  Ben and Mark, the bastards, failed to make even the slightest attempt to hide their mirth at my dismay.  I felt like a ticking time bomb that even the TSA wouldn’t be able to detect; like a malfunctioning Boomer.

Everyone was too tired to write and there were few distractions: the TV wouldn’t work (thankfully, if Lee’s last TV session was anything to go by) and the phone looked like it belonged on the set of an old film, with the big red light on it glaring like a boil on Bakelite.  When it was finally time to turn in our key and get into the escape bus – sorry, ‘courtesy shuttle’ – we were relieved.  Lee filmed out of the back window for pursing zombies/murderers (complete with shaky camera) as we fled for the safety of Philly airport.

When we stepped outside to make our escape, the humidity was overpowering. Luckily the horde wasn't. They must have been on their lunch break.

A few hours later, we waved goodbye to the USA, land of E3, from the plane window and settled back to mourn the end of our adventure – at least the US part.  I didn’t think it could happen, but flying US Airways suddenly got worse…  there was an Adam Sandler film on.  We tried to scrape some sleep but it was largely useless, and so was attempting to type anything vaguely coherent.  Towards the end of the flight, we’ve had enough.  Lee wanted to get off the plane and was getting fidgety.  I knew we should have bought him the Spiderman colouring book back at Philly.  He wanted to start breaking things and no one had any toys to pacify him this time, but I know how he felt.  I was also starting to fidget, and began looking around for things to play with (break or lose).  Some sour gummy worms worked well to distract us for a short time, but we needed out of there before all of us, especially Lee, got cranky.  I poked Lee’s sunburn a few times for fun and then settled down to count down the remaining time.

Eventually the plane touched down in Glasgow and we breathed a sigh of relief, deciding to make a swift exit before a woman the size of the Death Star blocked the aisle.  One cab later and we were back in the house – with all the bags (screw you, US Airways) – and our adventure was well and truly over.

It was the most exhausting thing I have ever done, but also one of the most fun.  As I said in my last diary entry, the times around the table in our war-room were some of my fondest memories.  Lows of lost bags and late cabs were more than balanced out by highs of good games, a buzzing atmosphere and great camaraderie.  I’d do it again, even the murder hotel… but this time, I’d take Ellis and a decent melee weapon.

Special mentions to ZeroMark for his support and research which helped us out, and to the Awesome Adam R. for tearing up the show floor, seeing more games than the rest of us, and for not being fazed by Lee’s constant questions about things like Mars bars and American bacon.

As press we were shown previews of some up and coming games, such as Def Jam Rapstar and Deus Ex: Human Revolution, with Deus Ex being a sizeable demo preview of the much anticipated next installment of the FPS stealth RPG series and Def Jam Rapstar offering an interesting look at what other genres the music and rhythm side of gaming is venturing in to. This was, perhaps, also a neat little preview of some potential nominees, or winners, for the next annual Golden Joysticks.

Although the demo previews of the games were obviously great, the main reason for us being there was the Golden Joystick award ceremony itself and, at times, I felt like I was attending a more condensed version of the Oscars, and loved it. The ceremony was presented by the American comedian Rich Hall, who did a fantastic job of making people laugh and presenting the awards along with the familiar voice of the national lottery announcer, Alan Dedicoat, announcing the nominees which added nicely to the event.

With a grand venue and a cracking attention to detail, the winners were announced for each category so, without further ado, here they are:

Action/Adventure

The Action/Adventure Game Of The Year, in association with Nuts
Winner: Assassin’s Creed II
Runners Up: Batman: Arkham Asylum, Red Dead Redemption

Shooter Of The Year, in association with IGN Game On
Winner: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
Runners Up: Bad Company 2, Left 4 Dead 2

Racing Game Of The Year, in association with T3
Winner: Forza Motorsport 3
Runners Up: Need For Speed: Shift,  Colin McRae: Dirt 2

Role Playing Game

RPG Of The Year, in association with GamesRadar
Winner: Mass Effect 2
Runners Up: Fallout 3: Game Of The Year Edition, Final Fantasy XIII

Puzzle Game Of The Year, in association with NGamer
Winner: World of Goo
Runners Up: Professor Layton and Pandora’s Box, Scribblenauts

Fighting Game Of The Year, in association with Official Nintendo Magazine
Winner: Street Fighter IV
Runners Up: Tekken 6, Soul Calibur: Broken Destiny

Sports Game

Sports Game Of The Year, in association with Mousebreaker
Winner: FIFA 10
Runners Up: Wii Sports Resort, Skate 3

Strategy Game Of The Year, in association with PC Gamer
Winner: Plants vs. Zombies
Runners Up: The Sims 3, Age of Empires III: Collection

Music Game Of The Year, in association with Total Film
Winner: Guitar Hero 5
Runners Up: DJ Hero, The Beatles: Rock Band

Portable Game

Online Game Of The Year, in association with CVG
Winner: League of Legends
Runners Up: Aion: The Tower Of Eternity, Farmville

Download Game Of The Year, in association with Green Man Gaming
Winner: Plants vs. Zombies
Runners Up: Battlefield 1943, Call of Duty: World At War: ZOMBIES

Portable Game Of The Year, in association with Habbo
Winner: Pokémon Heart Gold/Soul Silver
Runners Up: Assassin’s Creed: Bloodlines, Plants vs. Zombies

One To Watch

Soundtrack Of The Year, in association with Metal Hammer
Winner: Final Fantasy XIII
Runners Up: Brutal Legend, Assassin’s Creed 2

The One To Watch, in association with MSN
Winner: Call of Duty: Black Ops
Runners Up: Fallout: New Vegas, Star Wars: The Old Republic

Ultimate Game of the Year, in association with GamesMaster
Winner: Mass Effect 2
Runners Up: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, Assassin’s Creed 2

UK Developer Of The Year in association with Edge
Winner: Jagex
Runners Up: Rockstar North, Codemasters

So, as you can see, some top games won some great awards although, in my opinion, some of them were a little predictable, for example Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 grabbing the Shooter Of The Year award and FIFA 10 getting Sports Game Of The Year.  Some really did take me by surprise, such as Final Fantasy XIII taking the Soundtrack Of The Year, defeating the likes of Brutal Legend which, in my opinion, had a much better soundtrack (can you tell I’m not a Leona Lewis fan).

Plants Vs Zombies stole more of the show that I initially thought it would and, even though it has been re-released on iTunes, PlayStation Network and XBox LIVE Arcade, it is still a relatively old game and yet holds enough charm that gamers love it enough to vote for even now. Having said that, even though it is a great game, it is a shame it beat games such as Warhammer 40,000 Dawn Of War II in the Strategy category and Shadow Complex in the Downloadable Games category.

With all that said, I am glad that Super Street Fighter IV won the Fighter of the year category; the game is truly awesome and is a fantastic reboot to the classic 2D fighter which, in turn, has created a whole new league of 2D fighters such as BlazBlue – further proof that the 2D platform for fighting games is still favoured by most. All in all the 2010 Golden Joystick awards, for me, went down really well; some well deserved awards and some surprises – some pleasant and others not so much.

Bring on next year.

At this point, there are four things that, if you are anything like me, you will always do:

1 – Panic.  Pound every single button and trigger repeatedly because you never know if one will suddenly, magically unlock your console and save your game.

2 – Wait. If you wait long enough, surely it will unfreeze, the game will judder apologetically back into life and you can go about your business.

3 – Scream.  Pound your controller into the carpet/table/thigh/wall in sheer rage and vow all manner of horrendous punishments involving woodchippers and dog shit.

4 – Admit defeat. No matter how badly it chaps your chafeables, you have to give in eventually and switch off, allowing all your progress (unsaved, naturally) to fade to black.

Lockups and freezes are as much a part of console gaming as crashes are for PC gamers, however, this isn’t sugar coated by the fact that such things only ever seem to happen at the most inconvenient, soul destroying, game wrecking moments.  Boss battles, after a number of tricky platform manoeuvres, at the end of a level or campaign, when you are far enough from a save point to be utterly screwed, after locating a tricky collectable, or have built a sprawling home/metropolis, or achieved a top time in an especially difficult challenge.

It will never happen while you are in the menu, during the intro video, at the start of a campaign, immediately after saving, or during a cut scene.  It will wait until it really matters, until you are at the point where it will royally screw your game/day/mood beyond repair, almost as though there is a sadistic sentience built into every game.  I’ve had vast mansions in various Sims games vanish under a blue-screen after not saving for two hours, I’ve had Naughty Bear glitch and freeze at the end of an especially nasty challenge while on track for an achievement.  Mirror’s Edge has frozen in the middle of a flawless speedrun on several occasions, leading to my scream of rage reaching a pitch of hysteria that shredded canine eardrums up to five miles away.  However, my most recent experience was the one which prompted me to finally whip out a vitriolic pen – namely Left 4 Dead 2.

I am reliably informed by veterans of the game that freezing is not all that common.  This offered little solace however, especially since, as ever, the timing of the freeze was nothing short of impeccably dickish.  The last campaign, the last level, the last fucking section of the bridge…I was that close to finishing the game.  Ellis was charging up the left hand side of the cluttered bridge, armed with a fire axe and a machine gun, determined to scoop the achievement for making it in under three minutes; I was on my way to victory and to completing the game after a long trudge through a pain in the arse campaign in which I had managed to get lost more times than a blind pixie in a hedge maze.

It may have been premature, but I was pleased with myself and on the verge of celebrating.  My team had fallen behind, the Tank’s music kicked in, but I ran on, determined to make it….and with a shudder, the game froze.  I waited for that brief, initial moment…the moment where you discover whether it is a nasty piece of lag or a genuine lock.  Nope.  You.  Utter.  Bastard.  In horror, all I could do was listen to the endlessly looping Tank music, stare ahead at the bridge, and taste how close I had been.  I’d almost finished the level, campaign, and game.  I’d almost snagged the achievement.  Almost.

After fifteen minutes of button mashing, swearing, and playing the waiting game, I had to concede defeat and switch off.  What made it worse was that there are no mid way saves in Left 4 Dead 2 – if I wanted the achievement for completing the last campaign, I’d also have to redo the lot in one sitting.  Well, fuck you.  I gave up for the night, vowing to ignore the game and my Xbox for as long as possible in protest at the shabby treatment it had doled out.

At least, in the grand scheme of gaming pains, it wasn’t so bad…I’d only lost an hour or so.  There are far worse freezing casualties.  Back in the old days, before the Elite, when the Xbox would run hotter and heavier than Barrymore chasing a pool boy, freezing was far more common and, given that one of the launch titles was the vast and gorgeous Oblivion, it was a very big issue.

They played the waiting game too long...

Try spending hours completing quests, faffing in forts, and unearthing a piece of grade A magical loot, only for the game to freeze and your Xbox to die.  From the enraged screams coming from my partner’s gaming sessions at times, this fate also befell him more than once.  Progress aside, you know damn well that next time you go all the way back and loot the same boss or chest, your wonderful bit of loot will be a piece of shit, equivalent in effectiveness to a magical pencil sharpener.

There are/were ways, however, to thwart the freeze, at least as far as Oblivion went.  My other half started to wise up to his Xbox’s tricks and trained himself to recognise the sound of the fans changing – the prelude to Oblivion freezing.  This subtle hint would be all the warning he needed to quickly save his game before the screen froze.  These days, with the Elite being slightly more reliable and the problem not being quite so prevalent, it is far more unexpected, so when it does catch you, it hurts.

With Left 4 Dead 2, the game actually teased me many times – those juddering, laggy moments which seem to threaten a freeze induced a near heart attack at times and there were many of those moments.  However, when the game carries on and you relax, it is merely leading you along an undulating path of near misses which allows you to be utterly blindsided when it does eventually occur.

I suppose the worst of it is that there is nothing that you can do about it and there’s no way of really predicting a freeze, bar a few cases, which is one of the reasons that it is so gutting, not to mention the progress and effort that evaporates.  While console gamers are often quick to chide PC users over patches, bugs, crashes, and compatibility issues, they certainly can’t boast of a trouble free gaming experience.  It seems that crashes and freezes will be here to stay, walking hand in hand with our hobby for the foreseeable future.  Still, the Russian Roulette of freezing gives me something to moan about…at least until Kinect porn finally arrives and turns out to have a Sims-esque censor blur over the good stuff.

Over the last year or so, I’ve realised that nearly all of my game purchases have been a result of friends’ recommendations and the lure of playing online multiplayer with them. The first of these pressure purchases was Burnout Paradise – my first foray into the Burnout series. The level of detail in the game really impressed me, along with the amount of things you could actually do. Races, billboards, drifting, stunts, crashes, jumps and the simple beauty of pulling off a Super Jump and having a snapshot of your vehicle appear as it flies through the air. Add to that the free roam nature of Paradise City itself and I was hooked! In fact, I think it was Paradise City that prompted me to buy my first Xbox Live subscription so that I could join Markuz (and eventually Lorna and Rook, among others) online in order to complete the multitude of challenges on offer. I have no idea how many hours we spent tearing through the city trying to complete timed challenges and barrel rolls or just literally crashing into each other and calling each other names. Hours well spent, in my opinion, as I honestly do think that kind of gaming can enhance a friendship and make it stronger.

From Burnout Paradise, then came Borderlands, Red Dead Redemption, Left For Dead 2… all games I probably wouldn’t have bought if it hadn’t been for that element of peer pressure and the lure of social gaming. Now, you might think I’m a little easily swayed by others or that I have no real opinions of my own but that’s not true. Well, not entirely!  My gaming life has expanded a lot since I bought each of these games, and while I’m way behind the curve and usually late to the party, the GL Gaming Night has become a part of my regular habit.

There’s a whole lot of fun to be had driving around Paradise City smashing into other players’ cars, listening to your friends curse you and then trying and get you back. Natural leaders shine through or back seaters show their colours. There’s always at least one person who knows the map or game inside out that you can follow so as not to look like a complete n00b, as well as the folks who constantly try to take you down in various ways. Distractions are many too as people try to get the best flat spin score or biggest air time and jump distance. And then there’s Peggles… we won’t talk about Peggles here.

Borderlands took up huge amounts of time, playing co-op with Markuz… night after night, we’d hit Pandora and blast our way through bandits and Crimson Lance…I say blast, usually it was Mark banging away with his cool Thanatos pistols and me hanging back and sniping, before rushing in and getting shot to hell and having to wait to be revived. It was Borderlands that made me realise I wasn’t one for taking leadership roles, being content to follow along and take enemies out from a distance to help my partner(s) reach the current goal.  Not to mention sitting in the passenger seat of a Runner or Monster and firing the rockets at things while the driver runs down skags or spiderants, because, let’s face it, my track record for driving on Pandora isn’t great. Everyone finds their role within a game like that and by its very nature, nobody is left out. Unless of course you happen to leave your partner to kill all the enemies while you run to a red crate without thinking because you can’t wait to see what goodies are inside! Kid? Candy shop? Moi?

The latest instalments in this new lease of gaming life have been Red Dead Redemption and Left 4 Dead 2. More often than not, in RDR, I find myself respawning and having to trek back to where people are chasing each other around, only to get a blown to pieces by Kat’s dynamite or molotovs, or have Ben ride past and shoot me in the head. It can be frustrating whilst trying to get used to the controls and build up experience, but oh so much fun! The other new one for me is Left 4 Dead 2. Not a game I thought to try first time round, as (and you’ll have to forgive me) Zombie games aren’t top of my non-existent list, but it’s turned out to be much more fun than I had anticipated and a million times better in multiplayer. Being tongued by a friend, or ridden into danger is hilarious; being the one doing the riding, tonguing, tanking or charging is even funnier as you hear the yells of your victim over Live as they shout “INCAPPED” and their teammates scrabble around to revive and heal them.

Whatever game you’re playing, with whatever challenges it brings, you soon get to know your abilities in relation to others and it brings your own level of gameplay up as you try and match or beat them. Shooting people in the Versus games in Red Dead Redemption whilst trying to avoid those molotovs certainly is a skill you can take back to the main game itself, just as much as playing the main storylines in these games can enhance your skill levels within the multiplayer sections. The possibilities for mayhem and mischief are endless.

All in all, I don’t regret a single purchase of the games that peer pressure has directed me to buy. I don’t really see it as pressure at all when it’s just a way of being included in a growing community like this one. I’m a confirmed social butterfly, so it stands to reason that I’d want to join in on these things and, as you know, you can’t play if you don’t have the game people are currently playing. Call me easily led if you like; I prefer to think of it as supporting my friends in their gaming lives and expanding those friendships through shared trials and tribulations with a bloody good giggle along the way.

The new world order will be run by us fans of Dead Rising or Resident Evil, we will be left to repopulate the planet.  I can stock up on first aid kits which, fortunately, heal any wound no matter how near-fatal it is but I am relying on one of you to have a stockpile of shotguns and molotovs.

The one thing that can genuinely scare me in films is zombies. I wouldn’t like to meet the fast moving kind and the thought of hundreds of them eerily shuffling towards my hideout sends shivers down my spine.  It’s a horrible way to go.  A vampire will at least seduce you and drain your blood while you’re busy swooning.  A werewolf will quickly rip you to shreds.  A zombie though can start by nibbling your fingertips off or gnawing slowly through your skull – that’s pretty horrific in my book.  Putting zombies and games together is close to my idea of heaven and so with this, I pay homage to my personal favourite – Left 4 Dead.

Although, in my opinion, the sequel was a superior game, the original has a special place in my undead heart. It was my first proper introduction to the joys of online multiplayer and also the first “scary” game I was able to summon up enough courage to play on my own. I remember firing up the campaign for ‘No Mercy’ for the first time and ever so slowly edging down the staircase from the roof, literally on the edge of my seat, waiting to jump at any moment. Multiplayer befuddled me the first few times I played as Special Infected but being able to control the zombie attacking the humans was a great twist for me and I’m glad I persevered with the mode.

The series of campaigns take the four survivors through various areas in their hunt for saferooms and eventual rescue via choppers, planes, boats and army vehicles, all the while they are battling through your common or garden variety zombies and the Special Infected. These souped-up zombies have different abilities such as dragging you away from the action, temporarily blinding you with bile, or pouncing from afar and ripping your intestines out. Not to mention the random spawns of the sobbing Witch, shhh don’t startle her, or the Tank who has the ability to seriously mess up your game.

The teamwork required is co-op at its very best. When pinned by a Hunter, watching your health bar drain, you feel utterly helpless while awaiting a teammate to come and rescue you. I still feel the need to hammer the controller as if, one day, the X button will actually shove the Hunter away. You have to rely on your fellow gamers to help protect you when covered in blinding Boomer bile or get you back up when incapacitated (or “incapped” as the cool kids say, honest). Snap judgements have to be made as to where to take a stand in a finale or the best way to deal with an impending Tank attack.

It’s fascinating how the real life personalities of the gamer is revealed in-game. Those more impatient call back to the others to hurry up, somebody who is cautious wants to check out of the way areas for ammo or health supplies, a multitasker seems to be everywhere at once – fending off Tanks with one hand while reviving you with another and there’s always the one with the “hero” complex who has to take down the Witch even if she’s over the other side of the map.

The survivors – Bill, Zoey, Francis and Louis are loveable, even if their actions as AI could be infuriating at times. Free me from this Smoker tongue and imminent death, Bill? No? Rather stand there and watch me die? Fair enough. Everybody seems to have their favourite, whether it’s Zoey calling zombie bullshit, Louis grabbin’ pills, the experienced war veteran Bill or “I hate everything except vests” Francis. The banter between characters is well written and amusing and I refuse to believe there isn’t a Left 4 Dead fan in the world who hasn’t at some point exclaimed “PILLS HERE!” while rifling through their bathroom cabinet.  When Bill’s body was found during The Passing DLC for Left 4 Dead 2 I felt a genuine pang of sadness and still do. I made a simple YouTube video for my gamer friends so we could half-jokingly mourn together but it surprised me by getting over 3000 views and a string of L4D fans also “paying their respects” in the comments section. This was for a character from a game released over a year previously and highlights the adoration gamers like me have for the title.

Left 4 Dead may have been shunted to one side by its sequel and is gathering dust for now but I am still very fond of the game and it’s one that I never plan on trading in. It’s in my all time favourite games, with its humour, warmth, tense moments, great gameplay PLUS zombies and that is why I <3 it so.

Grannies... the look innocent but turn your back for one second and they're chucking up the devil signs, plus out of all the colours available to them they only ever wear beige... that's just wrong.

The snapping of sinew. The crimson blood splatters. The intestines spilling onto the ground. The death cries of an enemy.

There is something highly satisfying about wielding a chainsaw in the face of my foe, lopping off limbs or in some cases letting it ride cleanly up their backside leaving two bloody halves at your feet. Sometimes I’ll favour despatching those most deserving using a blade, perhaps a katana or a good old fashioned stabbing frenzy. I struggle with guns. I’m usually incapable of a smooth, skilled headshot instead preferring a lengthy obliteration involving numerous shots to elbows or the groin. Fire gets me cackling with glee, be it igniting a crowd with my Molotov or the bursts of a flame thrower. Then after a long, hard day harassing villagers in Wiltshire I’ll settle down for the night with my Xbox.

I jest. I’ve always relished killing in games but lately I’ve wondered if that’s normal. If perhaps I enjoy it a little too much and if, to my horror, one day I’ll be plastered over the front of The Daily Mail having brutally attacked innocents with a frying pan after an extra long Left 4 Dead 2 session. I am fully aware there is a difference between pixels on a screen and “real life”. I relish watching a zombie horde being blown to smithereens by a pipe bomb, seeing the limbs fly and entrails decorate nearby walls and bushes. That enjoyment fortunately seems to decrease the more realistic the situation. Gore in a movie makes me exclaim “cooooool” but while hiding behind my hands and grimacing. Then in reality a person can come up to me with a paper cut and I’ll run off, screaming in fear of it gaping slightly.

If you can't find a messy enough gun, grab yourself a chainsaw... or... if you've watched enough eppies of Blue Peter you know how easy it is to combine the two with nothing more than some double sided sellotape, a fairy liquid bottle and a couple of bendy straws. Enter the Lancer.

It isn’t the killing in games that makes me concerned for my sanity. There are very few that don’t involve it to some degree or other, especially on consoles. It’s the enjoyment. I struggle to think about when I’ve ever felt a pang of guilt over one of my in-game massacres. The closest would be in Grand Theft Auto when I’m running around the streets knifing passers by. Not for a mission you understand, purely for fun. The wet slushing sound of the repeated stabbings feels more harsh than a swift bullet to the face. Firing rockets from the roof of a skyscraper makes me seem like a hard bastard but plunging my knife into an old lady doddering along with her shopping does make me feel slightly ashamed. I wondered if I was alone in feeling this way.

Colonel Sanders had the right idea... guns, neck wringing, even dropping concrete slabs on them... it all results in the same Rorschach art.

I decided to quiz twenty-five of my gaming friends about their attitudes to death and killing in games. Similar responses came back from most. It isn’t the actual death of the enemy that causes joy for many but the skill behind it. That death is the payoff for patiently lining up a headshot, perfecting a technique, surviving to the next checkpoint. It’s a sense of accomplishment. Guilt seems to rarely be a factor but when it is it’s from games that can immerse you more deeply, where you are likely to grow fond of characters or be forced into difficult decisions. Titles that often cropped up included Oblivion, Fallout 3, The Sims and Fable II. Any guilt however stopped there. Almost everyone was happy to kill innocent characters and heaven help any animals in games. You’re all running about ecstatically shooting, clubbing and kicking anything that moves – rabbits, squirrels and seal pups included. Chickens fare the worst, being annihilated in Modern Warfare 2, Risen and Fable II.

The results made me rethink my approach to death in games. Perhaps my happiness actually comes from the confirmation of my proficiency as opposed to the visceral gore after all? Could it be I overlooked the gratification pulling off a sublime shot?

No.

Turns out I still just like killing stuff.

Out of everyone I quizzed only two shared exactly the same views as me. No guilt, “yes please” to lots of gore and a general love of mindless carnage with minimal thought to the skill involved. If that makes me ever-so-slightly psychotic then so be it but as long as these homicidal urges stay firmly in the imaginary world of games then I think I’m safe from the men in white coats and the long arm of the law

It's important to remember that some zombies are slower than others!

Us gamers have a vast knowledge of what to do when the earth is in danger – whether it’s an alien invasion, an airborne Zombie Virus or a nuclear holocaust, we have the gaming knowledge to keep our virtual selves alive in desperate times. But what if one day a virus does break out, turning the whole world into zombies? Or nuclear war does hit, taking the all the world’s population by surprise and turning everything into a barren wasteland? Will us gamers out there have the knowledge to survive the harsh environment? With all this in mind, I have decided to come up with a guide to surviving the Apocalypse, this five-step program will take you through what to expect, covering zombies, nuclear fallout, alien invasion and, if we are super unlucky, hell on earth.

Step 1 – Arm yourself
If Fallout and Left 4 Dead 2 are anything to go by, pretty much anything can be used as a weapon. Whether its a magnum you have managed to stash away somewhere on your person, or a frying pan you have found just lying about, anything can be used to beat down the dangers that lurk on the Earth’s surface. Also, if games are anything to go by, you can hold a lot of weapons at any given time. According to DOOM II you can stash up to nine weapons on your person at once. Or, if you really wanna analyse your games for the Earth’s inevitable doom, play some GTA IV and see what clothes Niko Bellic is wearing because you can stash a whole array of weapons from pistols and sawn-off shot guns, to full-blown rocket launchers and sniper rifles… handy! Which brings us to step 2.

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you.... oh right, it's a rocket launcher? My bad!

Step 2 – Finding the right attire

In case of Apocalypse, dress up as a well known 1980s horror villain and people will be sure to steer clear

As I said in step one, a good route to go here is the GTAIV route because, lets face it, it has magic pockets to store your whole armory in. But defending yourself is also key to survival, and a good armored suit is the way to go in most cases. Unless you are Duke Nukem of course, then you can just wear a tank top and watch the bullets bounce of your huge pectorals.

Taking a look at Halo, Quake 4, Aliens Vs Predator and Doom, I think they are on to something here. Green and brown is this season’s Apocalypse colours, and are definitely good for camouflage whatever terrain you are – just make sure it is well armoured.

There are probably those of you out there who didn’t pack an Apocalypse bag before the earth was destroyed, so my advice to you (well more Fallout’s advice to you) is to grab anything you can and wear it, regardless if it’s a silly sack on your head or huge armour that probably weighs about a ton.

Step 3 – Finding shelter
You need somewhere safe to stay when any sort of Apocalypse strikes. In the case of zombies, if you manage to find a huge door that bolts shut then you’re in for a win. These doors can be found on any building – whether it is a block of flats, a country house or indeed an old wooden shack you will be just fine, once said door is bolted shut there will be a plethora of supplies and weapons for you.

In case of Nuclear Apocalypse however, it gets a bit more tricky… mainly because most things have been blown to smithereens. That said, you will find some places that have remarkably stayed intact, or you can just find a load of corrugated metal and build yourself a quaint little town, just make damn sure there isn’t a nuclear warhead in the middle of it. It could either explode or have crazy people worshipping it.

With an alien invasion however, you’re probably not going to have any shelter at all – you will mainly find yourself running around lots, shooting anything that moves but, having said that, I have heard space stations are a nice destination this time of the year.

The Rivet City Hilton. Yeah ok, it's not much... but we call it home.

Step 4 – Finding Sustenance and/or medical supplies
You want to stay alive, right? Well if games are anything to go by, food and drink will heal your broken bones within seconds. Fallout and Wolfenstein have both proved this theory. Whether it is a hot meal or a nice cool bottle of radiated cola you will feel better, and in no time that bite you got from a crazy dog will heal right up.

In other cases such as Left 4 Dead, you have to scout around for medi-packs. These things are stashed with bandages and well… bandages. You will feel right as rain in no time after you apply these magical fabrics. Having said that, if we take a leaf from Halo’s book, then simply stepping on medi-packs will automatically heal you, or if your feeling hardcore like Duke Nukem then simply kick a toilet in and drink the water. You will feel ready to kick some more butt in next to no time.

Yes Zero, even after the world has ended there'll still be penguins ready to meet your buttery fist

Step 5 (The Most Important) – DTA

Common practice for a post apocalyptic earth is to DTA – Don’t. Trust. Anybody. Look after number one at all times. Left 4 Dead teaches us that crying humanoid creatures really don’t want our help, they just want to rip our faces off, F.E.A.R. has shown us that small girls can really be mind-controlling, crazy things that can scare the living Jesus out of you and will also rip your face off. Lets face it, everything out there in post apocalyptic earth is just wanting to rip off your face. Dogs, zombies, zombie dogs. It’s pretty dangerous out there.

And there we have is it – my five step program to surviving doomsday and post apocalyptic earth.  If you haven’t gathered, by the way, Earth is the number one target for anything… so be warned.

There is one slight problem though. I haven’t played a game that tells me what to do when the ice caps melt. Bugger.