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    Nine-Tailed Fox Zephyr has a spectacular aura about Zephyr has a spectacular aura about Zephyr's Avatar
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    Talking *Badum boom toosh!*

    Thought it might be fun to start a joke thread! Have jokes to share? We could all use a laugh... or maybe a cringe! Either way, bring 'em on.


    Here's one of my favs:

    A black piece of tarmac is walking down the street when a red piece of tarmac comes along and starts beating the shit out of it. A police officer breaks up the fight and bungs the red piece of tarmac into the police van. The officer says to the black piece of tarmac "What was all that about?" The black piece of tarmac says "I don't know but i'm not surprised it happened." The officer says "Why?" The black piece of tarmac says "Because he's a Cycle Path!"
    :biggrin:
    For he did not know / That beyond the lake he called home / Lies a deeper, darker ocean green / Where waves are both wilder / And more serene / To its ports I've been / To its ports I've been.

  2. #2
    Chief, innit MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR's Avatar
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    Man walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head. The doctor says "what happened to you??" and the frog says "it started off as a bump on my ass".
    Oooooooh it's an invisible signature... oooooooooh!!
    "If you want me to 'act professional', I can tell you that I'm not interested. I'm sitting in my home office wearing a bathrobe. The same way I'm not going to start wearing ties, I'm *also* not going to buy into the fake politeness, the lying, the office politics and backstabbing, the passive aggressiveness, and the buzzwords. Because THAT is what 'acting professionally' results in: people resort to all kinds of really nasty things because they are forced to act out their normal urges in unnatural ways."
    Linus Torvalds

  3. #3
    Chief, innit MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR's Avatar
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    How do you stop a baby from constantly crawling around the floor in circles?

    Nail its other foot to the floor too




    That's my tamest "baby" joke and, out of respect for Mr Ben our forum god who is about to enjoy another baby, I'll leave it at that.
    Oooooooh it's an invisible signature... oooooooooh!!
    "If you want me to 'act professional', I can tell you that I'm not interested. I'm sitting in my home office wearing a bathrobe. The same way I'm not going to start wearing ties, I'm *also* not going to buy into the fake politeness, the lying, the office politics and backstabbing, the passive aggressiveness, and the buzzwords. Because THAT is what 'acting professionally' results in: people resort to all kinds of really nasty things because they are forced to act out their normal urges in unnatural ways."
    Linus Torvalds

  4. #4
    Nine-Tailed Fox Zephyr has a spectacular aura about Zephyr has a spectacular aura about Zephyr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MarkuzR View Post
    How do you stop a baby from constantly crawling around the floor in circles?

    Nail its other foot to the floor too
    You can't help but laugh at the image that conjures up!
    For he did not know / That beyond the lake he called home / Lies a deeper, darker ocean green / Where waves are both wilder / And more serene / To its ports I've been / To its ports I've been.

  5. #5
    Banned The Preacher will become famous soon enough The Preacher's Avatar
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    'About to enjoy another baby' brings to my mind a mental image of Ben sitting down to eat a baby.

    What's brown and sticky? A stick.

    A man, an ostrich, and a kitten walk into a pub. The man goes up to the bar and orders for himself, then looks to the ostrich and the kitten and asks them what they'll have. The two of them tell the man what they want, and the kitten adds; "but I'm not fucking paying." The man nods, relays the order to the bartender, and when given the cost of the round reaches into his pocket without looking, pulls out a handful of change and puts it on the counter. To the bartender's amazement, it's precisely the correct amount. Throughout the evening the three of them order many rounds, always different drinks, and the kitten always says "but I'm not fucking paying." Each time the bartender tells the man the different cost, and every time the man pulls out the exact change from his pocket without looking. At the end of the night as they're getting up to leave, the bartender is overcome with curiosity and stops the man, and asks him how on Earth he takes the correct change from his pocket every time, despite each round comprising of different drinks. The man replies, "Well, I found this dirty old lamp, rubbed it with a cleaning cloth, and a genie came out and told me that he was the almighty Pedantic Genie, and would grant me three wishes. My first wish was that no matter how much something cost, I'd always have that amount in my pocket in cash. Could be a loaf of bread or a new BMW, but the money is always there in my pocket, just the right amount." "Wow; but what's the deal with the ostrich and the kitten you're with?" "My second wish was for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

  6. #6
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    A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He orders two drinks and says "One for me and one for the road."
    For he did not know / That beyond the lake he called home / Lies a deeper, darker ocean green / Where waves are both wilder / And more serene / To its ports I've been / To its ports I've been.

  7. #7
    procrasturbator pix3lboy is on a distinguished road pix3lboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Preacher
    'About to enjoy another baby' brings to my mind a mental image of Ben sitting down to eat a baby.
    I think it makes Ben sound like a paedo :/ *

    Here's a pretty sick joke that always makes me chuckle;

    A man walks into work with a huge smile on his face. His workmate notices and approaches the man.
    "What are you so happy about?", he asks.
    "Well I was on my way home from work last night passed the railway track when I saw a woman tied to the railings, so I went down to rescue her. I untied her from the track and we went back to mine and had sex." replies the man
    "That's great" said the workmate, "did you get a blowjob?"
    "No, I couldn't find the head..."



    *Disclaimer: I don't think you're a paedophile Ben, please don't hurt me/reset my post count

  8. #8
    Chief, innit MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR's Avatar
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    Here's another....



    Guy walks into a toilet at a technology convention, strolls up to one of the urinals and does his business. He then shakes himself once, then again, gives a little squeeze and a final shake, then wanders over to the sinks and washes his hands twice with considerable care and attention. Looking to the guys over at the other urinals he says "At Microsoft, they teach us to check something and then check again."

    The second guy gives himself several shakes and a couple of hearty slaps before tucking himself back in, wandering over to the sinks to wash his hands. He washes them once with the soap from the soap dispenser, then washes them again with soap from a different dispenser, then dries his hands thoroughly before producing a wet wipe from a sachet in his pocket and wipes his hands off one more time saying very smugly "At Apple, we're taught to check everyone once, then approach it with fresh eyes to make sure we've done it well enough and then pass it over for a second opinion before assuming we've finished the job."

    The third guy shakes himself off, tucks himself back in and heads straight for the door, sniggering at the other guys as he leaves saying "At Linux, we don't employ people who piss on their hands".
    Oooooooh it's an invisible signature... oooooooooh!!
    "If you want me to 'act professional', I can tell you that I'm not interested. I'm sitting in my home office wearing a bathrobe. The same way I'm not going to start wearing ties, I'm *also* not going to buy into the fake politeness, the lying, the office politics and backstabbing, the passive aggressiveness, and the buzzwords. Because THAT is what 'acting professionally' results in: people resort to all kinds of really nasty things because they are forced to act out their normal urges in unnatural ways."
    Linus Torvalds

  9. #9
    Chief, innit MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR has much to be proud of MarkuzR's Avatar
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    I know a much longer version of that one....




    Four guys go camping and end up getting too far into the wilderness, so when they run out of supplies they have no idea which way they should go. One bright spark suggests that they each head in different directions - one would take north, another south, another east and the last guy would take west. They agreed to buy whatever they could if they found a general store, and return to the camp next morning with their supplies.

    The next morning, the first guy returns and says "No luck guys, I wandered north for more than eight hours until I could no longer walk. I sat down and built myself a little campfire as it was so cold at the base of the mountains, and woke up in the middle of the night realising that I had to start heading back. There were no stores but I did find a river that had fish in it so we could perhaps venture back there today and try to catch some?".

    The second guy announces "Heading south wasn't the greatest of ideas as I was stopped quite early on by a huge ravine that was blocking my way and I couldn't see how far it stretched to be able to cross it by any sort of bridge. I did find a clearing with some fruit trees though, and I've brought some back with me so maybe we could head back there later and fill some bags with fruit to keep us going?"

    Third guy says "East wasn't much better to be honest, it was rocky as hell, very difficult to keep to any sort of track and I almost got lost several times. I did end up at a crag with loads of birds nesting though, so there's no reason we couldn't go back and raid their nests for eggs.... I could really enjoy a lovely boiled egg right about now!"

    The fourth guy is just grinning away. The others asked him what he found and he says "I headed west, and eventually found a set of railroad tracks so I followed them knowing that they'd eventually lead to a town or at least a station where someone could tell me where to get supplies. About five miles up the track I found a woman tied to the tracks so I untied her and pulled her to the side and had sex all day and all night. Sorry guys but I got too carried away and forgot to keep going to see if there was a town... I'll go back again today and this time.. no sex, I swear!!"

    One of the guys then asks "Unbelievable mate, you lucky bastard!! Sex with a stranger is awesome!! Did you get a good sloppy blowjob too??"

    "Nah, searched all over but couldn't find her head"
    Oooooooh it's an invisible signature... oooooooooh!!
    "If you want me to 'act professional', I can tell you that I'm not interested. I'm sitting in my home office wearing a bathrobe. The same way I'm not going to start wearing ties, I'm *also* not going to buy into the fake politeness, the lying, the office politics and backstabbing, the passive aggressiveness, and the buzzwords. Because THAT is what 'acting professionally' results in: people resort to all kinds of really nasty things because they are forced to act out their normal urges in unnatural ways."
    Linus Torvalds

  10. #10
    Banned The Preacher will become famous soon enough The Preacher's Avatar
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    Man walks into a bar. Silly cunt should look where he's going.

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