- My name is Ste
- Stoke on Trent, England
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- I can't really prove this next statement as all evidence was unfortunately destroyed in a fire but I am actually a direct relative to Saddam Hussain.
I remember one year we went over to visit for Christmas, it was really hot so my parents, brother and I asked Uncle Saddie (He liked being called that) if we could play in his pool. He said "yeah that's fine, it's down the corridor, past the wife number 34's room and on the left after the nuclear bomb shelter."
Of course he said this really fast and so we didn't really understand him but, my parents being English, didn't want to sound racist by asking him again so of course we got lost.
Instead of going left after the bomb shelter we ended up going right and down another long corridor that seemed to slope down gradually. Eventually we got to a blast door that was guarded by two of Uncle Saddie's personal guardsmen. One of them starting babbling about us not being allowed down here when my Dad told him that Saddam had said it was ok. The guard was still having none of it so Dad gave him a slap so hard it nearly knocked the guards moustashe off. In his dazed state the guard staggered over to the guard house and pushed the button that opened the meter thick steel door and off we went.
A short walk later we ended up at another room that had large red signs on the outside of it. Of course we couldn't read what was said so we just automatically assumed it said pool. This assumption was quickly confirmed when we walked inside to find what looked like a large vat of steaming, bubbling liquid.
"Brilliant! I exclaimed, "Uncle Saddie has a hot tub!" I immediately stripped down to my swimming shorts and did a hop, skip and a jump into what I thought was a hot tub.
Seconds later and as the rest of my family were getting changed themselves, a crazed old man came running and screaming into the room. He was wearing a long white jacket and some goggles. My parents thought he was the pool man so were trying to ask him where the main pool was when he smashed an emergency glass case on the wall to press the large red button inside. As soon as he did so the water from the hot tub I was in drained immediately, leaving me confused at the bottom of the tub.
It was then that I noticed that I was glowing a funny colour and my skin felt all tingly and strange. It was at that point that I began to panic and tried to get out of the vat. Of course now that the water had been drained I could no longer reach the edge of the vat to climb out. This only made me panic more and in my frustration and panic I kicked the side of the vat. Upon impact with my foot an almighty sonic boom ringed out and a great big chunk of steel from the side of it was torn away as if it was wet toilet paper.
I climbed out of the gaping hole as if it were a proverbial vagina and I had been reborn. My family and the strange old man were looking at me in shock and horror. Suddenly everything went black and I passed out.
To be Continued.
I'm calling it, pretty soon people will start using filepaths to describe their thought paths/actions/feelings, e.g:
Horny/resist urge/fail/midget porn/release!/self loathing...../delete internet history
"I will kill, fuck and eat you in that order, Bastard!" - Richie, 20/02/2012 9:44PM
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