No, I’m not talking about the musical episode of Buffy, I’m talking about voice acting in games and the lack of effort that seems to go into them sometimes. The worst offenders are, unfortunately, PC point and click titles. Well, unfortunate for me anyway, since this is my favourite genre and makes up the bulk of my game collection. That’s not to say, of course, that other types of game don’t have dodgy or annoying voices; anyone who’s played the RPG Blue Dragon on the Xbox, for example, knows just how much the screeching voice of Marumaro jars the ears of anyone within a ten metre radius, but point and clicks are notorious for this crime.

Terrible or annoying sounding characters can seriously ruin the experience of an otherwise perfectly enjoyable game. Sounding natural or faking accents are hurdles that some people are either too lazy to jump or can’t quite manage. If someone can’t pull off a believable Irish accent, for example, then either get someone who can or actually cast a voice actor from Ireland for the role. And does it even have to be an Irish accent or, indeed, any accent in the first place? Or did Derrick from the local hairdressers go bouncing up to one of the devs in his pink t-shirt and say “Listen to my fake accent, isn’t it great! Can I be in your game? I’ll do it for free…” It isn’t just accents though… I’ve heard some weird pronunciations in my time too. Ashes as “aRshes” and mirror as “mirr” both spring to mind; both of these are from The Black Mirror series which is also guilty of having a main character with a very annoying Bostonian accent. It’s bad enough when the supporting cast are getting on your nerves, but when it’s the character you’re playing as…

Baron Wittard suffers from some robotic vocal work, quite at odds with some of its other stellar performances

The worst thing for me, however, is the flat, lifeless, awkward sound of someone who is just reading verbatim from a script. It’s called voice acting for a reason. You have to act the part, not just reel off whatever is put in front of you – anyone can do that. Ah, but I forgot, you aren’t just ‘anyone’ aren’t you? You are probably some poor member of the programming team who got roped into reading lines to a microphone during her lunch break, or somebody’s mum, who has never played a game in her life and still refers to computers as “those infernal machines.” Still, even so, do you have to sound that mechanical? What’s your excuse? What’s that you say… it’s your accent? Well, I’ll admit some voices do sound naturally dodgy when recorded, no matter what their owners try to do with them; I can’t stand mine, it sounds like I’ve got a cold all the time.

That’s not the main problem, however (although it can be both supremely irritating and quite distracting when an iffy accent is assaulting your ears), the problem is that it sounds like you’re just sitting there reading your lines aloud. Even though that’s what you’re doing, that’s not what we want to hear. We’re playing a game, we’re immersed in a (supposedly) gripping story. Cringing our way back into the real world is not something we want to have happen during gameplay. In fact, nothing disperses atmosphere faster than an emotionless voice simply ‘going through the motions’ *cue Buffy intro*. It just makes it difficult to take the game seriously, especially during dramatic moments or plot twists; it’s like being constantly reminded that it’s not real, that it’s only a game and it somehow cheapens the experience, making it shallower.

Granted, it’s not always the actor’s fault if they are given awful dialogue in the first place, after all there’s only so much you can do with lines like: “This is a pity” and “They were not the only ones, either”, especially if you’re not allowed to make changes or ad-lib. Sometimes, however, the delivery of even these simple words can make me wonder whether the writers, not just the actors, are actually from this planet or whether they’re robots. Normal people use contractions, or informal English when speaking… or maybe it’s just me (see that? ‘It’s’ as opposed to ‘It is’. Just saying).

I know not everyone can afford big names like Patrick Stewart, who delivered a short but wonderful performance in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, or Steven Fry’s hilarious stint as the deviant Reaver in the Fable series, and let’s not forget David Warner’s outstanding role as Jon Irenicus in Baldur’s Gate II: Shadows Of Amn, but you don’t have to be famous, massively experienced, or highly paid to step up to that mic and give it your all. Some of the best characters I’ve encountered are voiced by ordinary people giving extraordinary performances. A few of my favorites being: Sharon Mann as Mina in Return To Mysterious Island, Paul Albertson as the Baron in Baron Wittard: Nemesis Of Ragnarok and Matthew Porretta as Alan Wake. A good voice actor is one who brings their character to life, makes you care what happens to them and helps to immerse you in the game’s world and story, as opposed to wanting something big and bloody to happen to them as soon as possible, just to shut them up.

Mina from the Mysterious Island series checks out one of her rival VO actors. Ah... no, that's a wooden stump.

I’ll still replay a game with such annoyances if it’s good; I’ve never stumbled across voice acting bad enough to ruin an entire game for me, or make me switch to subtitles only (at least, not yet), it’s just incredibly irritating at times. Some of my favourite titles of all time, such as Dark Fall, Barrow Hill, The Lost Crown and Black Mirror may have cringeworthy moments, but I love them nonetheless. It’ll take more than a bit of stiff dialogue or a dire accent to put me off of the genre I love so much. Besides, nothing’s perfect; it’s those little indie touches that make them unique and memorable, after all. I guess it can’t be helped, but I just wish some voice actors would breathe a little more life into their lines, so come on people… once more, with feeling!

You play as 28 year old Norwegian biologist Rune Knudsen who is studying polar bears at Alpha Polaris, a station owned by an American oil company searching for a profit under the ice. Just when the team think they have found something, it turns out that something has actually found them.

It’s third-person perspective all the way in Alpha Polaris, with the controls being the standard point and click fare: space-bar to show onscreen hotspots, ESC to show the menu and double clicking the left mouse button on an exit arrow will let you jump to the relevant screen. Other than that, it is simply left click for activation, while the right is for examination, helpfully illustrated by symbols below the cursor, as is the norm.

The game is played with 3D characters on pixel perfect, beautiful 2.5D backgrounds and the overall effect is very satisfying; everything runs as smoothly as a Mr Whippy ice-cream. The quality of the cinematic sequences is good, though a little on the blurry side, and the frequency and spacing of them is ideal.  While there may not be not much variety of landscape in the arctic, the developers have done incredibly well with what they have to work with and the Aurorae effects alone are gorgeous.  What really makes this game shine though is the wonderful artwork displayed during the dialogue. These hand-drawn portraits really help to immerse the player in the story and allow a better feel for the characters; they truly are a joy to look at and without them this would be a very different game.

As far as puzzles go, there aren’t that many, and the ones there are won’t give you too much trouble, although considering the length of the game the amount seems about right. Most of the time you’ll be presented with a space to type in a word to translate a symbol or make a suggestion, with a few inventory conundrums thrown in for good measure and, as such, you’ll never feel too frustrated or taken out of the story. In fact the only time I had any trouble was when I spent about fifteen minutes trying to get a frozen hatch open by setting fire to it, attempting to ignite various inventory items to melt it and generally swearing at it. It turned out the actual solution was pretty simple and perfectly logical. D’oh!

It isn’t just the scenery and puzzles that keep the player immersed; the background music throughout the game is so subtle that it is barely noticeable, yet it weaves together with the sound effects to create an ambiance that makes you feel like you’re there; a silent witness to the events unfolding.  Not only that, but the music that plays over the end credits is also wonderful and genuinely made me want to watch them all the way to the end.

One point of note, however, was that even the non-American characters have American accents; not that I’m complaining, quite the contrary actually.  Accents in this genre are notoriously dodgy, while the voice acting here is superb and the script is well written. Everyone comes across as natural sounding and the odd bit of swearing here and there gives it a sense of realism and maturity that is most welcome. I mean, get me in those circumstances and you’re damn right I’m going to bloody swear – anyone would.

On the subject of maturity, Alpha Polaris contains something I’ve never yet seen in my point and click career so far… a sex scene. Yep, play your cards right and Rune will see some action that definitely isn’t inventory based.  I just hope he has a condom stashed away in the lining of the knapsack he carries around, because I don’t think the morning after pill is an option when you’re in the middle of the Arctic wasteland, unless you’re clairvoyant and saw the event co… um, approaching.  Regardless, you won’t be relaxing  for long , as you’re soon kicked out of bed and back into action.

Sadly, Alpha Polaris is painfully short at around four hours the first time around, with me able to whittle this down to just three on a second run for my own enjoyment. It’s a real shame; just when things are starting to get really interesting it’s over.  The ending, while good, is one long cinematic cut-scene from the moment you enter the final room to when the credits roll. You don’t have to do anything and you have no control over the outcome. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I was just a little surprised. For the uninitiated, most of the time in this type of game you are confronted with a situation and have to take some kind of action or solve one last puzzle to trigger the ending (or, as is sometimes the case, one of multiple endings).  Here, however, the capable Rune steps up and takes matters in hand himself. Luckily he’s a smart guy, knows exactly what to do and does it fast – in the same situation I would have been in serious trouble.

Despite a creepy atmosphere and chilling story (pun intended), for a supposed Horror, Alpha Polaris is not actually very frightening. There was one tense moment when I was thinking “Shit! Run!” but, other than that, it rated no points on the scare-o-meter. As a fright fan I was a little disappointed by this, but as it stands it’s a perfectly enjoyable thriller, suitable for scaredy-cats and hard-nuts alike.

In spite of these minor flaws Alpha Polaris a game I’d absolutely encourage others to play, whether they are fans of the genre or not. Given its length and easy to medium difficulty I think that it would be perfect for any point and click newbies looking to wet their feet in the arctic snow.  Ultimately, I’m glad I decided to pick up Alpha Polaris, with my only real regret being that it leaves me wishing with all my heart that it could’ve been longer. Regardless, I eagerly await Turmoil Games’ next offering.

Both the full game and the demo can be found here on the official site.

Terrible or annoying sounding characters can seriously ruin the experience of an otherwise perfectly enjoyable game. Sounding natural or faking accents are hurdles that some people are either too lazy to jump or can’t quite manage. If someone can’t pull off a believable Irish accent, for example, then either get someone who can or actually cast a voice actor from Ireland for the role. And does it even have to be an Irish accent or, indeed, any accent in the first place?  Or did Derrick from the local hairdressers go bouncing up to one of the devs in his pink t-shirt and say “Listen to my fake accent, isn’t it great! Can I be in your game? I’ll do it for free…”  It isn’t just accents though… I’ve heard some weird pronunciations in my time too. Ashes as “aRshes” and mirror as “mirr” both spring to mind; both of these are from The Black Mirror series which is also guilty of having a main character with a very annoying Bostonian accent. It’s bad enough when the supporting cast are getting on your nerves, but when it’s the character you’re playing as…

Baron Wittard suffers from some robotic vocal work, quite at odds with some of its other stellar performances

The worst thing for me, however, is the flat, lifeless, awkward sound of someone who is just reading verbatim from a script. It’s called voice acting for a reason. You have to act the part, not just reel off whatever is put in front of you – anyone can do that. Ah, but I forgot, you aren’t just ‘anyone’ aren’t you? You are probably some poor member of the programming team who got roped into reading lines to a microphone during her lunch break, or somebody’s mum, who has never played a game in her life and still refers to computers as “those infernal machines.”  Still,  even so, do you have to sound that mechanical?  What’s your excuse?  What’s that you say… it’s your accent? Well, I’ll admit some voices do sound naturally dodgy when recorded, no matter what their owners try to do with them; I can’t stand mine, it sounds like I’ve got a cold all the time.

That’s not the main problem, however (although it can be both supremely irritating and quite distracting when an iffy accent is assaulting your ears), the problem is that it sounds like you’re just sitting there reading your lines aloud.  Even though that’s what you’re doing, that’s not what we want to hear. We’re playing a game, we’re immersed in a (supposedly) gripping story. Cringing our way back into the real world is not something we want to have happen during gameplay. In fact, nothing disperses atmosphere faster than an emotionless voice simply ‘going through the motions’ *cue Buffy intro*. It just makes it difficult to take the game seriously, especially during dramatic moments or plot twists; it’s like being constantly reminded that it’s not real, that it’s only a game and it somehow cheapens the experience, making it shallower.

Granted, it’s not always the actor’s fault if they are given awful dialogue in the first place, after all there’s only so much you can do with lines like: “This is a pity” and “They were not the only ones, either”, especially if you’re not allowed to make changes or ad-lib. Sometimes, however, the delivery of even these simple words can make me wonder whether the writers, not just the actors, are actually from this planet or whether they’re robots.  Normal people use contractions, or informal English when speaking…  or maybe it’s just me (see that? ‘It’s’ as opposed to ‘It is’. Just saying).

I know not everyone can afford big names like Patrick Stewart, who delivered a short but wonderful performance in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, or Steven Fry’s hilarious stint as the deviant Reaver in the Fable series, and let’s not forget David Warner’s outstanding role as Jon Irenicus in Baldur’s Gate II: Shadows Of Amn, but you don’t have to be famous, massively experienced, or highly paid to step up to that mic and give it your all. Some of the best characters I’ve encountered are voiced by ordinary people giving extraordinary performances. A few of my favorites being: Sharon Mann as Mina in Return To Mysterious Island, Paul Albertson as the Baron in Baron Wittard: Nemesis Of Ragnarok and Matthew Porretta as Alan Wake.  A good voice actor is one who brings their character to life, makes you care what happens to them and helps to immerse you in the game’s world and story, as opposed to wanting something big and bloody to happen to them as soon as possible, just to shut them up.

Mina from the Mysterious Island series checks out one of her rival VO actors. Ah... no, that's a wooden stump.

I’ll still replay a game with such annoyances if it’s good; I’ve never stumbled across voice acting bad enough to ruin an entire game for me, or make me switch to subtitles only (at least, not yet), it’s just incredibly irritating at times.  Some of my favourite titles of all time, such as Dark Fall, Barrow Hill, The Lost Crown and Black Mirror may have cringeworthy moments, but I love them nonetheless.  It’ll take more than a bit of stiff dialogue or a dire accent to put me off of the genre I love so much. Besides, nothing’s perfect; it’s those little indie touches that make them unique and memorable, after all.  I guess it can’t be helped, but I just wish some voice actors would breathe a little more life into their lines, so come on people… once more, with feeling!

Wittard Utopia; one man’s dream that sadly never realised its full potential. A building intended to house an entire city under one roof: apartments, restaurants, leisure facilities, shops, bars and gardens. Now the apartments are crumbling, the restaurants grow mould, the bars gather dust, and the lights flicker ominously. Utopia has been abandoned and has fallen to decay, but it is not as empty as you might think….

Your journey begins with a phone call from your editor, Kate, as you are driving towards your destination. Armed only with a camcorder, your goal is to break into the Utopia and take some photos for a magazine article. Although how you are meant to do that without an actual camera, I don’t know.  Things soon take a rather more interesting turn however. Shortly after finding a way in you come across an amulet… that then starts to speak to you. The voice is none other than Baron Wittard himself communicating with you from the spirit world. It turns out that the powers-that-be have different plans for you: apparently you are the ‘Chosen One’ – the only one capable of preventing Ragnarök, the end of the world. No pressure then. The one threatening life as we know it is Fenrir – Destroyer Of Worlds, and he is now hunting you.

Did Red John destroy the Baron's Utopia?

Your quest to save the world consists of finding ten rune stones and then dissolving them in specially made devices to extract their energies and open the way to the Well Of Hvergelmir, the portal between realms. This is where you must use the amulet to seal the portal and imprison Fenrir once more.  You do get a choice of what to do at the end, albeit a rather under-dramatic one, but the only difference between the two endings are a few lines of dialogue… and your conscience.  Of course saving the world is never that easy, and this is no exception. The rune stones (which bear quite a resemblance to the stones from the film ‘Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom’) are scattered around the decaying Utopia, as are the devices needed to activate them. Not only that, but after figuring out which stone goes with which device, you will have to solve a puzzle in order to activate it.

The puzzles come in two types and there are plenty of both. The self-contained ones don’t need any extra information to solve them, but the other type usually needs some kind of clue or information found elsewhere in the game. They range from ‘easy-if-you-have-the-right-information’ to the ‘tear-your-hair-out-while-randomly-clicking’ variety.  One particularly troublesome puzzle involves counting how many coloured symbols you see scattered around the building and then entering them as a safe combination. Not hard, you’d be forgiven for thinking, but here’s the catch: the damn things are very easy to miss. So unless you want to comb the entire Utopia again – walls, floors, ceilings, furniture and objects – then for heaven’s sake be thorough on your first sweep. Look everywhere and at everything, and most importantly: write down which colour symbol you saw and where so you don’t double count them. Luckily this will only be a problem on your first play-through because the combo never changes. Just don’t loose your notes.  Seriously.

The nastiest puzzle though, without a doubt, is the chessboard in the Baron’s apartment. No, it’s not the sliding tile one, (yes of course there’s a sliding tile puzzle, isn’t there always?) trust me this one’s worse. You have a chessboard that’s empty but for a lone knight in the top corner which then has to be moved until you’ve landed on every single square… but only once, ugh.

There’s no inventory to speak of, and therefore few inventory based puzzles (strangely enough for this type of adventure), the only things you get to take with you are the amulet and rune stones, and of course the camcorder that you start off with (which in my opinion is horribly under-used). So if you want to pocket that torch, pick up a postcard for the family or empty the till then you’re fresh out of luck, which is a shame for us inventory packrats. You do find a couple of hand drawn maps on your travels but probably won’t use them all that much.

You see the world through a 2D first person perspective with the camera locked onto the cursor and smoothly flowing, but with the option of separating the two with a right click of your mouse to enable you to access the inventory at the bottom of the screen and the menu and camcorder at the top. Play time for Baron Wittard is around fifteen hours first time through, depending on how long you spend on the puzzles and exploration.

I wouldn’t call it a scary game, it’s more like a thriller than a horror. There are a couple of supremely tense moments though, such as when you are in the medical bay and the lights go out and… well I won’t spoil it for you. Suffice to say I stopped breathing for a couple of minutes, gripped in a vice-like tension. Another comes later when you get out of the lift and turn a corner, only to hear… dammit… I really don’t want to spoil it for anyone, but it’s definitely an “Oh shit!” moment.

The tension and immersion are heightened by the wonderful graphic quality; from dank tunnels to a rusting rooftop observatory, every location is pixel-perfect, smooth and completely fitting with the feel of the game. However, the haunting, desolate atmosphere of the Utopia is not only down to the eerie locations you find yourself wandering through. The sound effects, ambiance and music are all perfectly matched to their environment and are of excellent quality. From the sound of fizzing lights to your own heartbeat, everything is spot on. It’s just a shame the same thing can’t be said for the voice acting. Well, Baron Wittard’s voice is great at least, but Kate? Oh hell no. I still can’t decide if it’s a badly written script for that particular character or just terrible execution on the actor’s part. I’m inclined to think that perhaps it’s a combination of both.

The script is bad: stiff, formal, poor word choice and no apostrophes. No-one actually talks like that, but then you don’t have to read it out word for word in a flat unemotional, unnatural-sounding tone of voice – that’s where the acting part comes in surely? A bit of improvisation, inflection, intonation, or emotion, just something, to make it sound a bit more human and less like someone is just reading verbatim off a page would have been great. She does improve a little when voicing Fenrir though, but not a great deal. Still, other than thinking “Ugh” when you hear your character’s phone go off, it doesn’t ruin an otherwise great game.

The intriguing locations, threatening story, compelling sounds and challenging puzzles will all have you hooked from the very beginning, sucking you into a sombre, lonely, believable world whose fate is in your hands. Despite being very puzzle heavy, it is definitely a game I’d recommend playing if you’re even halfway interested in the genre.

After his famous clown father dies, (from a blow to the groin by an improperly loaded joke cannon), young Gaius goes to live with his uncle. One day, during juggling practice, he accidentally taints a barrel of rum with tobacco, creating a new brew which he dubs “Jolly Rover”. Sales for Jolly Rover soon hit the roof, but poor Gaius doesn’t see a single piece of eight from the profits. His chance soon comes, however, when his uncle is away and a large order for Jolly Rover arrives from the Governor of Groggy Island, Guy DeSilver – with payment in advance! Seizing his opportunity, he uses the money to charter a ship and crew to take him and his precious cargo to Groggy Island. However, it’s a dog eat dog world out there, and things soon start to go a little wrong.

From here on out, it’s up to you to take control of Gaius in a very user friendly 2D third person perspective. The cursor is free-flowing and smooth and the inventory pops up from the bottom of the screen when you roll your mouse over it. Something I particularly like is that, in the options menu, as well as the usual things such as adjusting the volume for music, voice and effects, allows you to increase how fast Gaius walks. I wish more point and clicks would introduce this option as it’s a great time saver. Another handy feature is the ‘hot-spot finder’; by holding down the space bar all the interactive objects on the screen will be highlighted.

As far as puzzles go, there aren’t that many. Not in the usual “crack this safe” or “solve this door lock” sense but more in the way of “find a way through the forest” and “which spell?”. There is one combination puzzle, but it’s not that hard; mostly it’s just about finding stuff, talking to people and working out how to get things done. It’s of the old school point and click era, when all you had to worry about was your inventory, which objects you could use with other objects and whether you’ve exhausted all of your dialogue options. This makes for a much smoother and flowing game with a very natural style of play that is more about the story and characters than about how many annoying puzzles can be squeezed in. Of course, some people like their games puzzle-heavy – I myself am somewhere in the middle, but it does make a nice change to play something light for once. So If you do get stuck, it’ll only be something like “How do I get that bottle of rum off the cook?” or “How do I lure the pig into the trap?”. But in case you do need it, don’t worry, help is at paw…

In-game hints come in the form of “Juan Leon” a parrot that you rescue at the beginning of your adventure. Whenever you get stuck or don’t know what to do next Juan will give you some advice, though not without cost. The first time you ask about something you will get a vague clue. This one’s for free.  Ask again and he will give you a more obvious clue, in exchange for a cracker. Ask for yet more help on the same subject and he will tell you exactly what you have to do (at the cost of another cracker of course).  Be careful though… crackers are one of three collectibles found throughout the game that are used to unlock extras and achievements, so feeding them to Juan not only lowers your score by two points but reduces the amount of concept art that you can see in your log. You will also miss out on three achievements too: one for completing the game without using any hints, one for collecting all the crackers and one for getting a maximum score.

Pieces of eight are another collectible. Harder to find than crackers, but easier to hang on to, these unlock music tracks in your log and add points to your score for each one found. There’s also an achievement for finding them all.  Last, but not least, there are flag pieces. Most of these are quite hard to find, but are yours to keep when you do. There are three flags, each split into four pieces and each one, when completed, will unlock a Captain’s bio in your log, as well as adding to your overall score. And yes, there’s also an achievement for finding them all.

Collectible hunters should beware however, most areas, once left, can’t be accessed again, and because of the way the save system works, there’s no going back. The game saves automatically when moving between screens, so if you accidentally leave an island before you’ve found everything then it’s tough doggie doo.
The game only took around six or seven hours to finish, which was disappointing – I wanted more, but on the bright side, the end didn’t really feel like the end. It felt like the beginning, like Gaius is only just starting his new, adventurous and piratey life. Like this is just the intro and more is yet to come. I genuinely hope so. I enjoyed this game so much that I would definitely spend my time and money on a sequel or, indeed, sequels!

After completing the game you’ll earn the ability to turn on the developer’s commentary in future play-throughs. This is a great addition, and definitely one I’d love to see more of in similar games. When turned on you will see one or more scrolls bearing a red feather somewhere on every game screen; clicking on one will play either a comment from the game’s creator Andrew Goulding or a clip from one of the voice actor’s auditions.

One of my two favourite things about this game is Gaius’s ability to cast voodoo spells. With book in one paw and cheat sheet in the other, Gaius pulls silly poses and chants some vowels to pull off some weird and wonderful magic to enable you to progress through the game. The “drop fruit” spell in particular can have satisfying results when used in the right (or wrong, depending on your perspective!) way.  My second favourite thing about Jolly Rover is it’s humour. It had me chuckling before I’d even started it up; I moved my mouse pointer over the desktop shortcut and, instead of the usual location address in the tool-tip pop-up, it read “Ahoy there matey!” More piratey-ness was to follow when, upon selecting “Set sail” from the main menu, I was asked “What be yer name?” and “Be ye wantin’ to watch the intro?”.

It’s not just the pirate-speak that makes it funny, the dialogue of Gaius in particular is very well written and just a bit strange. In the beginning of the game he converses with (and appears to be in love with) the portrait of a young lady, which he calls Beatrice. He also has a habit of giving names to inanimate objects, like a palm tree that he dubs “Ben Dee”. The game also takes light-hearted pokes at its genre too. For example, when you get given an object by someone, Gaius sarcastically says “What, no magic quests?”

It also pays to keep an eye on the top center of the screen during cut-scenes and dialogue. Where it says “Quest:” you often get something appropriately humorous following it. For instance, during a conversation where you ask a character for some of their blood for a voodoo spell, it goes from; “Talk fast” to “Talk faster” to “Life flashing before eyes” to “Wash pants”. Blink and you could miss it, but it’s great stuff.

The graphics in Jolly Rover are flawless and presented no technical difficulties whatsoever. Everything feels polished, the area transitions are smooth and the cartoony art style of the characters is charming and fits seamlessly into the beautiful backgrounds. The voice acting, for the most part, is superb and many of the cast voice several different characters, yet manage to make each one sound so different that you wouldn’t know it without paying attention to the credits.  I particularly liked Gaius’ slightly posh English accent; it fitted his character rather well. Added to this are great music tracks and sound effects that, when combined with the character voices, give an all-round great audio aspect to an already great game.

After playing Jolly Rover through three times in two days, getting all the achievements, crackers, pieces of eight, flags, hearing all the commentaries and unlocking all of the concept art, I think it’s safe to say that I like this game a great deal and would definitely not hesitate in recommending it to others.

You are introduced to the game by a creepy and cryptic cinematic featuring a hot young gypsy woman and a freaky, glowy-eyed… person(?!) who, by the way, is having a seriously bad hair day. And there’s also a talking book that looks like it failed an audition for Care Bears: The Movie – probably for not being evil enough.  Known only as The Stranger, you end up on the island after seeing some charts showing the location of “The Island Of The Dead” and, for some unknown reason, decide to pay it a visit.  Not exactly your standard holiday destination, but to each their own.  You soon find yourself wandering around a cave network trying to find your way out and begin to discover that this is no ordinary island – just as its name might have indicated.

In the beginning of the game the scares are clustered fairly close together; just ten minutes in I was jumping three inches out of my chair with a loud yelp, then again five minutes later, and another two minutes after that. Needless to say, this put me a little on-edge, and it was with heart-clenching apprehension that I explored the rest of the caves.  When I eventually found my way out, my sigh of relief was quickly replaced by a muttered curse when I realised that my next location was to be a graveyard (though I couldn’t help but smile).  All too often, horror point and click games fail to deliver on what I refer to as “Big Scares”.  That’s certainly not a problem with this game.  A “Big Scare” for me is something that actually makes me vocalise (I shout, not scream.  I’m not “girly” or anything), while a “Small Scare” makes you freeze, with wide eyes, but not give voice (or simply causes you to hit your knees painfully on the underside of your desk).  These scares get tallied down on a scrap of paper whenever I play a game of this type through for the first time: Tomb of Zojir clocked up five Big Scares and three Small Scares; this score ties it exactly with my current reigning champion “The Lost Crown”.  For me, the more scares the better – don’t get me wrong, I don’t judge a game based solely on how scary it is, but I think if a game claims to be scary then it should be.  If not, then it may still be a great game, just not a “Horror” title as advertised.

The game is played in first person perspective, with a freestyle cursor that changes shape and colour depending on what you are currently hovering over. The inventory lies in a bar at the bottom of the screen and appears when you roll your mouse over it and, as far as this goes, you really do get to pick up some wonderful items, such as: a maggot, a fly, a poisonous spider and an eyeball. Don’t ask.  Early on you will find a map that will become a permanent fixture in your inventory and which displays the area you are currently in.  It also possesses a handy feature that lets you jump to any location previously visited which is always a great time-saver, and a welcome addition.  The locations themselves are stunning: fog shrouded and eerie, they make the perfect backdrop against which to play a game such as this one and include dank caves, a misty cemetery, run-down town, and a crumbling temple.  Such a variety of places blend together to create a wonderfully immersive environment to explore.

In addition to the main quest, throughout the game are scattered twenty six ancient gold coins for you to find; although these serve no actual purpose within the game itself, how many you find will be displayed onscreen after the ending, along with how many moves you completed the game in.  I’m not sure exactly what actually counts as “moves” though but if, like me, you love to explore every nook and cranny of a game, then finding all of the coins won’t be a problem.

Tomb of Zojir took me around 12-14 hours to complete without getting majorly stuck or having any massive trouble with the puzzles. The developers seem to have got the balance just right, puzzle-wise: not too many, not too few; not too hard, but also not too easy. My favourite among these, and a fantastic idea, is one particular puzzle where you need to place the actual game disc onto a pullout that comes with the game and rotate it to find the right combinations. A brilliant touch.  While the graphics aren’t terrible (and I’ve certainly seen worse), they aren’t really as smooth as you’d perhaps expect. Things can look a little pixely at times, the intro is a bit lacking in quality and the cursor lags slightly on a couple of the puzzles, but no so bad as to impede play. It took a few start-ups before I realised that it wasn’t my computer or settings, it was just like that, though to its credit, it never crashed once.

The music, while rather nice, doesn’t really fit the theme of the game – it just sounds a bit too Egyptian.  The ambient sound effects, however, can be a touch dramatic and annoying at times but, for the most part, fit in well with the creepy setting and frightening atmosphere. That said, I do like the character voices though: the gypsy woman sounds beautifully mournful and wise, while the glowy-eyed villain sounds suitably sinister and otherworldly, just as you’d expect.  So, even though there were a few bumps in the road, none of them were big enough to stop me enjoying the journey and I wouldn’t let them put me off picking up a great game like this and, hopefully, neither will any other horror adventure fans.

A point and click puzzle adventure that’s heavy on the puzzles, this game contains almost every type of puzzle I’ve ever encountered in every point and click game I’ve ever played….and then some. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, especially to those who like their games puzzle heavy, it can be frustrating at times and serves to break up the flow of the story. And just in case you’re wondering, yes, there’s a damn sliding tile puzzle in there.  All this can make for a very time-consuming game, as I soon found out. Some of those bloody puzzles kept me at bay for hours: randomly clicking, swearing, trying to interpret vague clues, swearing some more and trying every single possible combination before wandering around in search of a non-existent clue. I must have spent at least five whole evenings getting to about halfway through the game, before my computer had some kind of screeching fit, followed by a total meltdown and subsequent death.  This was not, in any way, the game’s fault (unless, like me, it just couldn’t take seeing another puzzle); I guess it was just its time to die. *sob*

As far as the story goes, you are a nameless writer for a magazine, sent out to investigate an abandoned building in the middle of nowhere.  Alone. So, recipe for disaster right there then. The plot is based on Norse mythology, and involves your character collecting and activating ten rune stones to prevent Ragnarök (the end of all things) at the hands of a nasty entity called Fenrir who, by the way, is hunting you. The thing is, he doesn’t want to just to stop you, but instead wants to get hold of a talking amulet that you found on the remains of one of Fenrir’s victims. Why he didn’t just take it then is beyond me!

What’s that you say? A talking amulet? Yes, and quite an eloquent one too, who claims to be the spirit of Baron Wittard himself, communicating with you from the other side. Sounds crazy, I know, but it fits in with the game quite well and never seems out of place or annoying. He also pops up and dispenses handy advice from time to time, such as: “Don’t touch that door or you’ll die!” And: “You just walked into a trap!” (Gee, thanks for the warning.) Well maybe not those exact words, but you get the idea. Once you pick up the amulet you are stuck with it and have no control over when Wittard chooses to impart his pearls of wisdom and, conveniently, you are now unable to leave the Utopia until your task is complete (due to a mystical bond, naturally). So it’s do or die I’m afraid, with no room for cowardice. Unfortunately, I’ve found hardly any inventory items other than the aforementioned rune stones, which makes me sad because there’s nothing I love more than collecting handy objects with which to fill up my, seemingly, bottomless pockets. Oh well, at least you get a pocket-sized, one-of-a-kind, talking amulet. That’s definitely a first!

The world you are questing in is in the classic, 2D first person perspective, with polished graphics and flowing camera movement that is locked onto the cursor, but freed up with a right click of the mouse. So far, I haven’t run into any other human characters and, other than a couple of dodgy, one-sided phone calls from your agent (whose bright idea this mission was) at the beginning of the game, you are on your own.  I say “dodgy” because the voice acting (as loathe as I am to use the word “acting” here) for this particular role is just plain awful. She sounds exactly like she’s sitting in front of a microphone reading from a script. A badly written one. With no apostrophes. If she turns out to be a cyborg from the future or something, then fair enough; if not… well, at least you don’t hear from her much. Perhaps the vocal track will change for the final release; I hope so because, even though this kind of thing is an all too common flaw of the genre, this particular one is the worst I’ve heard yet. And I’ve heard some bad ones.

The haunting musical scores and eerie silences all combine to immerse you into the desolate complex that was the Baron’s dream gone horribly wrong.  With the fate of the world at stake, I eagerly await the full release of what is shaping up to be a great game, so I can play my part as the lone, unsung, ‘Puzzle-Master-Hero’. Even now, my shelf waits patiently for this game to take its rightful place in my collection. Utopia awaits!

He may look a little rough around the edges, but that’s no reason for the grudge that these so-called ‘good’ bears seem to harbor against him; they’re just a bunch of nasty bullies picking on someone who’s a little different. They’ve hired Ninjas to assassinate him, sent bird-cams to spy on him, attempted to demolish his home to drill for oil, raised a horde of Zombears, and commissioned a R0B0-B34R army to create a quantum rift that will erase both him and his hut from existence! Oh, and they didn’t invite him to Daddles’ birthday party. How rude. Lets face it, they deserve everything they get and, boy, are they going to get it!

The object of the game is to rampage your way through each chapter, scoring as many points as you go. This is done in a multitude of ways that range from killing bears to shouting BOO and scaring the widdle out of them. Objects can be destroyed to demoralize anyone who sees them or sabotaged to lure a bear into fixing it, so you can creep up and either kill him with it or scare the bejesus out of him.

The bears can only take so much naughtiness before they go insane, then you can give them one final scare and watch with satisfaction as they kill themselves with whatever weapon they were trying to kill you with earlier. Sweet irony. This is perhaps my favorite method, making every single one of them go insane then going on a bear suicide blitzkrieg – good times! Traps can also be set to injure or scare bears, or you can just leave them to mew for help in plain sight, stressing out the others.

Zombears are coming to getcha

The more you are witnessed being naughty, the more points you get and ruling over all of this is your score multiplier. This constantly decreasing bar determines what the base score for something is multiplied by, rising every time you do something naughty and always dropping when you aren’t, although there are usually a few freeze capsules dotted around the level that will freeze your multiplier in place ready for some serious naughtiness.  Use them wisely.

Aside from the main level, there are four other challenges to complete on each chapter. These are a mix of the following: Insanity – you have to make every bear on the level go insane; Invisible – you can’t let yourself be seen by anyone; Speed Run – you have only three minutes to reach the finish; Friendly – you aren’t allowed to hit anyone; Killer – you must kill every bear, letting no-one escape; Untouchable – you can’t take even a single hit; Top Hat – everyone has a mega strong gun and you have to take down the bear in the special hat (these ones are seriously tough; the first time I attempted one, I lasted about five seconds, after two shots from a ray gun I was dead!) I’m still struggling to get above silver on the untouchable challenge in chapter four. Zombears! Thousands of ‘em! Avoid being hit? While still getting a high score? You’re ‘avin’ a laugh! Still all in fun, eh?…as I attempt it again for what seems like the hundredth time.

The reward for completing a level is one of four trophies, depending on your score: Bronze, silver, gold and platinum. The quality of the cups that you have on each chapter unlocks various costumes which have special abilities and increase your stats when you wear them on a level play through. The ability to walk undetected among the other bears (unless they see you doing something naughty), for example, can come in very handy on some of the tougher stages (Zombears!).  These are also necessary for popping the ‘costume shenanigan’ achievements, such as ‘Twin Fight’ where you have to kill Cop Gordon while wearing the Cop Gordon costume, using the weapon that goes with it. I love the costumes and the little nods in the levels, my favorite being in chapter five when you encounter B.E.A.Rs (Bear Emergency Action Response) and every one of them is named after a character from the Police Academy films; if you can get gold or higher on every level in that chapter you’ll unlock the Elite Mahoney costume!

As well as being awarded a trophy upon completion of a level, your score is added to your total ‘Naughty Points’, for which you get a rank and title such as ‘Veteran of Naughtiness’, and is also displayed on a high score table for that level along-side those of your friends, so you can see who has the best score and, if you’re of a mind to, try to best it. I spent ages trying to get an excellent score on a particular level (for a platinum cup), only to have my sister  (who had only just started playing), come along and top it. I think my exact words were: “NOOOOO! How the HELL did she manage that?!” before spending the next three hours or so frantically trying to beat it, with roars of “YES!” punctuating my success.

It’s funny, I’ve never been bothered about scores in games before and am not super competitive but, somehow, this one’s different. Seeing my name sitting above those of my friends gives me a little, chest-swelling feeling of pride. No thumb-on-nose gestures to the tune of “I’m better than you”, just pride, satisfaction and a warm feeling inside. It’s a bit of healthy competitiveness that adds enjoyment to an already enjoyable game and if someone should beat my score then well done to them…it’ll give me something to do when I’ve unlocked all the costumes. That and trying for the 28 platinum cup achievement and the 250,000,000 Naughty Points achievement. Whew! But you know what? That’s ok, because even though it’s a bit repetitive, I love it.

I don’t mind because I enjoy playing it so very much; it feels good to be naughty, especially when it’s so justified. Of course, it helps to have a somewhat sadistic streak and a perverse sense of humor. My father in particular thinks I’m ‘sick’, but then my comeback is: “At least I’m not doing this stuff in REAL life!” Everyone needs an outlet after all. So, I know that even after I’ve maxed out the achievements, got platinum on every level, completed all the DLC and beaten any of my friends who dare to come near my high scores, I’ll still be playing it out of sheer enjoyment.

BOO!

Official Naughty Bear website: www.naughtybearthegame.com

Chance of something cute and fluffy being behind the door? Zero.

First there was ‘Darkness Within: In Pursuit Of Loath Nolder’ – a dark, tense, horror adventure with some genuinely scary moments. In this game, your character is Howard E. Loreid, a police detective trying to track down a man called Loath Nolder, the number one suspect in your murder investigation.

Things get weird pretty fast and Howard soon begins to doubt his sanity as the line between dreams and reality begins to blur. At times, you’ll be asking yourself “what the hell is going on?” and “was that real or a dream?” By the end of the game you’ll probably still be none the wiser, only now you’ll be thinking: “there better be a bloody sequel to explain all this!” Fortunately, the second game’s story is more defined and starts to make more sense… sort of.

Darkness Within 2: Dark Lineage picks up where the first game left off, and you soon find yourself in the creepy town of Arkhamend in search of answers to the multitude of questions carried over from the first game.  This time round, in a way, you are investigating yourself. Following some cryptic instructions in a letter from Loath Nolder who, it seems, is now your only ally, you soon find yourself delving into your past and discovering more about your future than you really wanted to know.

‘In Pursuit Of Loath Nolder’ introduced some features that I’d never seen before in a point and click PC game and which are present here. Every time Howard gets scared, the screen goes blurry and you can hear him hyperventilating; this, accompanied by the screen swinging wildly back and forth in whichever direction Howard is looking in his panic, makes the first person perspective even more immersive, and you find your pulse rate increasing and adrenaline flowing just as much as his.

Man floored in jam-rage incident...

This happens quite often, sometimes justified, sometimes not.  He sometimes faints too…after letting out a manly scream.  How embarrassing. It’s because of this that I’ve come to think of him as Howard the Coward; I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being scared, but fainting and leaving yourself at the mercy of whatever it was that scared you in the first place is just plain dumb (you could at least run away or something).

In addition to being a wimp, Howard is also a pleb.  After explicit instructions NOT to look into the window of a certain machine after activating it, what does Howard do? That’s right, he looks directly into the window, screams in horror and faints. Idiot.

Another interesting feature is the ‘Underlining Interface’: documents have an important part to play in these games – not only do you read them but you have to underline key words and sentences, then hit the ‘think’ button to reveal clues which go into the ‘Howard’s Mind’ section of the inventory. Now this (as far as I know) is pretty unique. On this screen, thoughts and observations can be combined together or with inventory items to create new insights or advance the story, though sadly, this feature is quite neglected in the second game with only a few combinations possible (and even those aren’t really necessary).

Thanks for the heads up...ahem.

With the second game comes even more new features: the environment interaction, movement controls, and equipped light source.  In Dark Lineage you can pick up, (and indeed throw) crates, books and bottles. You can also, and in some cases must to advance the story, move chairs, beds, dressers and tables.  Since you can’t see Howard actually touching the furniture when you do this, it looks like a poltergeist is throwing a hissy-fit. Spooky.

The way you actually move around in this game is exactly like ‘Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion’ on the PC – so, pretty standard.  You move forward, back, left and right with the WASD keys while the mouse controls the camera angle.  You can also jump, crouch and whip out your swor… um.. lantern, and see your lil arm holding it out in front of you to light the way…which you will need to do for pretty much the entire game – it’s so dark everywhere that you can see bugger all without some kind of light source. You have a few torches too, although I failed to see the point of these when the lantern performs the same function better and without gradually running out like the torches do. In fact, the only use I found for the torch is to help reveal one of the game’s secrets.

“What’s that she said? Secrets?”  I hear you say. Oh yes.  By far my favourite thing about Darkness Within 2 (and it’s predecessor) are the secrets and Easter eggs that you can find. These are not only very satisfying to see on your scorecard at the end, but some of the secrets add chilling bits to the story, while the Easter eggs are a thrill to any fan of the horror author H.P. Lovecraft.  I was almost bouncing up and down in my seat with joy when I uncovered a copy of the Necronomicon and a statue of Cthulhu.  Geek and Lovecraftian fan that I am, I couldn’t stop grinning and admiring my finds in the close-up inventory view for at least five minuets! Simple things…

You see, these games are inspired by the works of H.P. Lovecraft, and those of you who have read his stories will have a far richer and more rewarding experience than those of you who haven’t. That’s not to say that it’s essential to the game, it’s just that you would be missing out on so much. There are so many nods, themes, names, extracts, titles, and mythologies, that this game really does make you feel like you are playing out one of Lovecraft’s stories. It has that feel, that atmosphere, that… something to it that you will just recognise. Even without things like the ‘Rats In The Walls’ or the mention of that fiend Joseph Curwen.

You just know that it won't stay this peaceful and serene for long...

Another thing about this game, which is always welcome, is that it has alternate endings, although both may leave you feeling somewhat unsatisfied. I for one was sitting through the end credits muttering to myself “Robbed. Cheated. I’ve been cheated!”… then when the credits ended and the final cut-scene played, my feeling of being cheated turned to one of horrified shock. I think I just sat there with my mouth hanging open. “Oh my god!” were my exact words, I believe. Needless to say I quickly reloaded my saved game to see the other ending. This time I spent the credits exclaiming “Bastard! That’s so unfair!” and even though I was expecting it, and had even predicted how it might play out this time, it still had impact. “Shiiiiiit…” was the utterance of disbelief this time. With raised eyebrows.

One measly missing secret? You've got to be kidding...

So, while I was a bit annoyed and dissatisfied with how the story ended and the sheer inevitability of it, it wasn’t enough to put me off playing it again in the future. Indeed, I’m already thinking of going back to improve my score and find that blasted document that I missed somewhere.

I know this because you get a score card at the end that tells you how long the game took you, how many of the total documents, clues, hidden clues, secrets and Easter eggs you found, your total score and what ending you chose. I love this feature and happily took a snapshot of it so that I have something to crow over and improve on in the next playthrough.

There are some irritations worth mentioning though…at one point you find yourself walking around the edge of a big pit and, my luck being what it is, I fell into the damn thing, couldn’t get out, and had to reload my last save, (which fortunately wasn’t too far back). Clearly this is not meant to happen as there’s no way out but, sure enough, it happened to me. Typical.  There is a cupboard door lock puzzle that is also glitched: when you fiddle around with it the first time, it doesn’t work like it should meaning you can’t solve it.  Save, exit the game completely, restart, and reload your save – the lock now works and you can fiddle away until it opens. Weird.

When you open a door near the end of the game you get a brief narration from Howard of sights and events that you never actually get to experience. This can leave you feeling a bit short-changed, like a shortcut’s been taken, and you can’t help but wonder if it was intentional or they just ran out of budget. On the other hand, if they had filled in this gap, would it have been too much? Some might argue that it’s more effective this way, after all, it’s very Lovecraftian. When you’re not spoon fed, your imagination does all the work and you supply your own horror – a matter of perspective and taste perhaps.

Admiral Ackbar's bad-arse brother makes an appearance

And then there’s the real bitch of the game: the elevator puzzle – a combination lock with symbols instead of numbers. Okay. 7 symbols needed. Fine. Finding the symbols and determining their order – not fine. I have no idea just how long I spent trying to solve this puzzle but it was a long time.

You have a compass, a picture and there are stones on the ground outside surrounding the cabin but, no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get the symbols to appear on the stones…even with the item that I knew I was supposed to use! It turns out that there was a document in the tower that I’d missed, and the item you’re supposed to use won’t work on the stones unless you’ve read it and extracted it’s clues…but of course, by the time I found said document (by pure chance later), I had already gone onto the official forums in search of help. I wasn’t disappointed; people having the same problem made me feel less stupid and varying levels of help abounded; one especially helpful bod had even posted a picture of the solution which I lost no time in printing out.  Thank goodness for forums!

The game’s official website is lovely and the forums are very helpful if you’re stuck on something, particularly the help from the game developers which is great; someone posted about a technical problem they were having and one of the devs jumped straight in to help. I’m not an expert myself, but I’ve been told that it’s unusual to be able to get help directly from the game peeps themselves (and so promptly). I guess this is because the game isn’t from one of the big flashy companies like EA who, I’ve been told, have terrible customer service.

The technical aspects of Darkness Within 2 are quite good overall though; while not being as polished and slick as ‘Black Mirror 2′ it has a rugged charm of it’s own. I admit, the characters look like rejects from ‘Oblivion’, but the locations are eerie, the falling snow beautiful, the moonlight shining in through the various windows is wonderfully atmospheric and I love the way the shadows dance to the flickering light from your lantern. The music fits perfectly with the mood of the game at all times and is quite similar to the first game. The ambient sound effects also play their part well – creaking floorboards, cawing crows, howling wolves and crackling fires all contribute to the mood, and while the sound of your footsteps are really clicky and annoying, the sound of your footsteps in the snow are gorgeous.

Overall, a good little point and click game with an RPG-like movement system, dark atmosphere and unusual story. It has the kind of creeping, subtle horror that is Lovecraft’s hallmark without being out right jumpy or scary. It’s just a shame there wasn’t more of it.

A demo can be downloaded from the official Darkness Within 2 site.

Mrs Peacock may have been a man, but Miss Scarlet certainly isn't, as Mr "Reverend" Green will attest!

Being a long-time PC gamer, I’ve played my share of PC games in the past, and then some.  By far the biggest collection of PC games I own are “point and clicks”, which to the uninitiated involve walking around, picking stuff up, solving puzzles, MacGyvering stuff together, and chatting people up (Well, interrogating them really).  So I’m here to share my love of this overlooked little genre.

“The Secret Of Monkey Island” was my first, followed by “Simon the Sorcerer”, but the one that really cemented my enduring love of this particular game type was “Cluedo Fatal Illusion”.  The graphics were state-of-the-art at the time (1999 – god I was 17!) and I’d never experienced anything like it before; not just the graphics but the immersive first person perspective that made you feel like you were really there.  The whole murder mystery, whodunnit thing had me head-over heels.  I’ve always been a sucker for the old ‘group of people stranded in a mansion and being picked off one by one’ scenario, so this was gaming heaven for me. (Sexy Miss Scarlett being a bonus!)

Something wooden... something devoid of life... night vision camera... all that's missing is dodgy mascara and a gobby northern lass!

Fast-forward to today and you’ve got outstanding titles like “The Lost Crown” and “Return To Mysterious Island” among many others ranging from the easy “Nancy Drew” series to the near ‘impossible to do without a walkthrough’ ones like the “Myst” games.

So, first person or third? Personally I don’t really have a preference. For me things like the story and gameplay take precedence over whether it’s first or third person, so this doesn’t factor into whether I buy a game or not.  It’s nice to be immersed in the game first person style, interacting with characters, feeling the atmosphere, and having the shit scared out of you on occasion.  However, it’s also nice to see just whose life you are meddling with and get a little more attached to them and the story, not to mention sending them places and getting them to do things that you would avoid in real life, because you watch movies and you know the ‘rules’. But hey, it’s not you right?

Then there’s the inventory. Aaaaaah, the inventory. If it’s not nailed down then it’s destined for your Tardis-like pockets.  Anything from bread to ladders, it’s coming with you whether it belongs to someone else or not.  I get a weird sense of satisfaction every time I pick up a new item, thinking “Yeah, inventory!” Or muttering under my breath “InvenToryyyyyyyy.”, with a smug little smile on my face. And it feels even better when you finally figure out where to use that bloody rubber chicken or knock together a battery out of some coins, cloth, bamboo, and a lemon (Seriously). Still, you can’t help but feel a bit sorry for your character hauling around a sack of cement or walking around with a giant banana picker stuffed down their trousers, I mean, that’s gotta chafe, right?  But like it or not, they’ll do as they’re damn well told, because you WILL need that chocolate fountain at some point, implausible as it might seem.

Before Harry there was Simon... and he didn't need two "hangers on" and an owl to make things happen! Just a mouse.

I do have a few gripes with these games though, one being that they are just not long enough (with the possible exception of “The Lost Crown”). Another is when a game won’t allow you to add stuff to your inventory until you’ve seen where you can use it. (Yes “Rhiannon” I’m talking about you.) I mean how annoying is it to pick up something like a torch that you just KNOW you will need, but not be able to take it with you until you’ve clicked on the dark stairs? Answer: VERY! Having to traipse around every bloody area in the game trying to find that poxy oak branch you saw earlier but don’t remember where, can be extremely frustrating! As to graphics, some of them are quite dark, which makes for a great atmosphere, but when it’s SO dark you can’t even find the bloody door handle, it kinda irritates!

Despite their various flaws, some anti-climactic endings, and a format that some might call repetitive, you can’t help but keep going back. Adventure, horror, mystery, puzzles, and murder, this genre has it all. And you’ll see it all too: ghosts, vampires, druids, pirates, books that transport you to another world, machines from the future that consume people, giant moving stones that turn you into a pile of ash, and monkeys called Jep.  Oh, and normal people too. Wonderful escapism that will consume hours of your day and night, but in a good way.

So say goodbye to sleep and hello to the multitude of lives out there just waiting for you to take over and see through to their end again and again. And so, “point ‘n’ clicks”, in the bellowing voice of Whitney Houston: “I will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuu!”