I have kept this free of plot spoilers so you’re safe to read on even if you haven’t played Fallout 3 or New Vegas.

I have never played a proper RPG before, unless you can count Borderlands or the Fable franchise, which I know the majority of people reading this won’t. It’s not that I’ve gone out of my way to avoid them, I simply know they’re ‘not my thing’ so they pass me by. I like action, having to do stuff almost constantly and rarely give two hoots about any storyline or plot. I started playing Mass Effect, but got bored during the dialogue scenes, and when I saw Fallout 3 being played it looked like the dullest thing to have graced a console. Imagine my confusion then when the release of Fallout: New Vegas stoked my interest.

At first I put it down to infectious excitement from friends, but I felt nothing when Mass Effect 2 was released and others were going crazy over it. The urge to purchase the game grew and, despite numerous people warning me not to and agreeing it’s not my kind of game, I picked it up on launch day. Loading it up, I didn’t know what to expect. I don’t read game manuals and rely on in-game tutorials, so everything was new to me. Aside from hearing the words ‘Pip-Boy’, ‘Nuka-Cola’ and ‘Deathclaws’ bandied about by gamers, I knew nothing, and I bumbled my way through the introductory quests as the doctor and townsfolk tried to guide me through the basics.

Realising I could pick items up to take with me, I soon looted the entire contents of the poor doctor’s home. At one point I must have had about twenty completely useless ‘small burnt books’ on me. This form of panic-grabbing stayed with me for the first couple of hours as I explored the area. I kept a tight hold of any Abraxo cleaner I found, thinking at some point somebody will want me to use it to make a bomb and my excitement level at finding a medical clipboard was naively high. “This is definitely important! This must contain a character’s medical notes and be part of a future quest” I thought, as I smugly put it in my inventory. Anytime I came across a radio I would activate then deactivate it assuming it might be part of a hidden mission or achievement. I never did look into why I could turn these fairly useless radios on and off, but even in the final hours of playing I was still activating them.

I struggled with the combat side of things for quite a while and was regularly fleeing from feral ghouls or a lone Radscorpion. It was only in my panicked state one time that I hit a random button and ended up in VATS mode. It truly was a lightbulb moment. Where I was trying to empty dozens of bullets into a creature while running away, suddenly I could freeze time and BOOM, headshot. I’m sure this must have been covered in the tutorial somewhere and I’d missed it, or perhaps it’s simply karma for me being a moron and not reading the manual. Either way, that and Veronica – my arse-kicking first companion – made my travels across the Mojave much easier.

Slowly, I found myself starting to care about some of the characters I met. I ditched Veronica for Cass as I felt bad for her, stuck drinking all alone everyday. She’d be running in and picking off enemies before I even saw them and that’s always a good way of winning my affections. I also loved Lily the mutant and felt genuine concern over her storyline; I hoped none of the choices I was making would be detrimental to her already… ‘fragile’ state. Local gang The Kings were also a highlight. Maybe for the humour involved with such a group or because they reminded me a little of the Elvis impersonators in Grand Theft Auto 2. Either way it’s fueling my new imaginary campaign to get a bunch of Elvis-a-likes into all games, let’s make it the new ‘zombies’! However, one character I never warmed to was the friendly cowboy robot. He creeped me out and even at the very start of the game I didn’t trust him one iota.

As the hours I was pouring into the game quickly melted away I found myself getting more and more into it. Instead of turning on the Xbox and spamming friends to come and play Halo with me, I was burying myself in Fallout: New Vegas. Most things came to me quickly, I realised the error of my ways regarding clipboards and I sold my collection of burnt books. I focused on levelling up in lockpick, speech and science, which I found most enjoyable. Once I figured out how hacking a computer terminal worked I couldn’t get enough and I found speech to be one of the most useful skills when progressing through the storyline dialogue options. For once in a game I wasn’t focused on simply shooting the crap out of things and other acts of sadistic violence; I preferred the satisfaction gained from sneaking through a previously locked door or diffusing a tricky situation using words alone. I was in love with the game. What made it such a joy to play was the open world nature. I could roam virtually anywhere and discover little shacks or caves that could have been so easy to miss. Most hours were spent ignoring the main story and, instead, wandering away from the roads and investigating a lone farm to piece together what happened there, thanks to notes scattered about or a grave in the back yard. As I neared the end I could use my skills to enter buildings that were full of raiders or booby-trapped with turrets and be rewarded at the end with a fantastic weapon.

Of course, New Vegas wasn’t perfect. A lot was said at the time about glitches and I did experience a few, although thankfully nothing that ruined my enjoyment – no corrupted saves. I lost a couple of hours gameplay when I got stuck in a tree, and twice I ended up inside a boulder during my attempts to climb in a rocky area. While exploring one building Rex got rather attached to a pump room and wouldn’t come out and, at the same time, Cass was stuck running into a wall. I took a step back and surveyed the sight. That was my team right there. My buds who I relied on to see me through difficult times. What a moronic threesome we must have seemed to any passing Legion or NCR. Aside from that, any quibbles were minor. I found it hard to reach the Boomers thanks to their explosives bringing instant death, but eventually I fluked it and Cazadores can go f&%k themselves, by far my least favourite beasties to run into in the desert. Finally, I made the mistake at the beginning of being a woman. I’ll usually choose to play as a female in games I can customise, but it just seemed wrong and I kept forgetting I was a lady until something was said regarding my sex or the camera pulled back during a shot in VATs. In my gut I felt I should have been a man. To make it worse I’d given her some shocking-pink hair, which was probably what attracted all the damn Cazadores in the bloody first place.

At forty hours in I felt I was pretty much done. My enthusiasm for the story was waning, not that I was fully following it anyway as I felt the narrative suddenly moved at a faster pace once you actually arrived in New Vegas. The various casino gangs didn’t interest me and the back and forth for the related quests weren’t quite as fun and it felt repetitive. I could have done more with the Boomers and the Brotherhood of Steel had missions for me, but they seemed like a bunch of knobs to be honest, so I wanted little to do with them. It was at this point I discovered I could unlock the Explorer perk which revealed all locations on the map. Sweet heaven! Almost another twenty hours was poured into exploring the dozens of places I hadn’t even known were there.

It was also at this point I had my final “duh” moment as I’d twigged what the tiny filled and blank triangles on the compass were for. It might have made finding places a little easier in the beginning! The ending itself was a slight disappointment as I must have made a choice earlier on that had affected the course of the outcome. I had wanted to side more with the NCR out of continued loyalty, but I wasn’t given that option. I experienced a pang of sadness as the conclusion played out. It felt like the end of The Wizard of Oz. I wanted to hug brave Cass goodbye, crouch down and pet my tin man Rex one last time and bid farewell to The Kings with a tear rolling down my cheek, before clicking my heels together and being whisked away from this apocalyptic desert I’d called home for so long.

Am I glad I gave into my urge to buy Fallout New Vegas? Of course, without a shadow of doubt. For £39 I took a risk which paid off and broadened my gaming horizons. I can now list New Vegas among my favourite game experiences. As I write these words I’ve commenced backtracking and am five hours into Fallout 3 which feels like a very cold and grey world compared to New Vegas. I start Fallout 3 as a veteran this time and not the guileless, child-like newbie who took her first tentative steps in Goodsprings. I know what to expect and how things work. Already it means some of the magic is gone and this may make me one of the few to favour New Vegas over Fallout 3 but I look forward to pouring more hours into this barren world and seeing what’s out there to be discovered.

Gamers moaned about Red Dead Redemption’s zombie DLC before even playing it yet it’s great fun! Others rolled their eyes at Black Ops having a zombie mode and, although I’m yet to try it, some friends say it’s their favourite part of the multiplayer. Left 4 Dead and it’s sequel have had tremendous success, Dead Nation got great reviews and Dead Rising 2, while flawed, is still incredibly amusing whenever I’ve delved into co-op mode. Zombie games sell because people like me adore them!

I agree that they shouldn’t be shoved into any old game for the sake of it, and the gameplay itself is incredibly important, but I don’t feel this has been the case yet. If there had been a spate of badly made, poorly selling zombie games then I would agree however they’ve been appearing with enough variety in gameplay and stories to keep fans happy.  If they don’t float your boat then fair enough but why begrudge others their enjoyment? There are thousands of other games out there for you to choose from. I’m never found tutting and making snide comments when yet another generic shooter appears on the shelves, as they obviously have their fans so please leave my beloved zombies alone! With that in mind I would like to celebrate my favourite video game brain-munchers with my personal top five zombies.

Zombie
From Zombies Ate My Neighbors
I was only twelve or thirteen at the time and my memory of the game is hazy but it would have been my first experience with the pixelated undead. A bit like a Dead Rising for the 90s with numerous unusual items to use as weaponry against the hordes of zombies, vampires and demon babies.

Boomer
From Left 4 Dead and Left 4 Dead 2
Picking one of the Special Infected was hard. I like the satisfaction of being a Spitter and hearing the “dingdingdingding” while my acid burns the Survivors, I like the power and panic caused by being a Tank, I like sneaking about and tonguing my victim as a Smoker but I think I have to plump (pun not intended) with the Boomer. He’s the first one I learnt to control properly and, oozing pustules aside, he’s cuddly, works well with Infected in messing up the other team, makes cute gurgling noises and lets me yell “I VOMMED, IN YOUR FACE, MWARHAHAA” to my friends. Not something I get to say much. The sequel introduced us to the Lady Boomer so I reckon Mr Boomer is the only Infected potentially getting some hot bedroom action. If a Left 4 Dead 3 doesn’t contain a duckling-like line of Baby Boomers I’ll be disappointed.

Buckethead Zombie
From Plants Vs Zombies
Popcap, I love you. This game has stolen chunks of my life and has, probably, the best end credits song from anything, ever. I find most of the zombies complete bastards, especially those bungee ones, however my favourite has to be the buckethead. Essentially a simple, gormless looking corpse but a little bit smarter than the idiot with the traffic cone, thanks to his makeshift armour.

The Zombies
From I MAED A GAM3 W1TH Z0MBIES 1N IT!!!1
Okay, I’ll confess, this game is too damn trippy for me to have bonded with any specific ’character’ in it but I couldn’t celebrate zombies without giving it a mention. It was released in 2009 on the Xbox Live Indie Arcade and sold over 300,000 copies in the first year of release mostly thanks to word of mouth. It’s a fairly simple twin-stick shooter but incredibly addictive, costs about 50p and is worth it for the theme tune alone.

Sarah Reese
From Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare
Sarah is the latest zombie to enter my life. She is my chosen Red Dead multiplayer character; who wouldn’t want to play as a zombie hooker? She flashes a bit of breast, has one dangling eyeball, filthy knickers and communicates with unearthly moans. What’s not to love?

Every week it feels like another soldier-based FPS is released. Gaming shop shelves heave under the weight of racers. Numerous fighting games are regularly being developed. However, I wouldn’t dream of complaining and often enjoy dabbling with different genres. When you look at the massive variety of games released each year on all the consoles and PC you’ll realise what a small percentage involves any zombies. I have no idea yet whether Dead Island will be a good game or not but I’m excited by the idea of it.  So hey, gamer, leave them ghouls alone.

I’d had a Playstation 1 and progressed onto the Playstation 2, so naturally wanted the next in line, however when it came down to the crunch they were bloody expensive and after a friend lured me to ‘the other side’ I picked up an Xbox 360 which was a much better deal. It introduced me to online multiplayer and exclusives that I’d never experienced such as Halo, Gears of War and the recently released Left 4 Dead, not to mention a whole raft of gaming buddies.  About a month later I received the call about winning the competition and a few days after the haul arrived. For financial reasons I had to sell almost everything, truffles aside, getting to touch the PS3 briefly and then it was gone from my life.

All this has changed because last month, thanks to Christmas money, I was able to head to Gamestation and lovingly pick out my very own PS3 console. It was a happy day in the Kat household. The setup was time consuming – all those murmurings of updates and downloads are true.  The first game I started was Little Big Planet which has thirteen, yes THIRTEEN, updates.  We sat and waited impatiently before eventually getting to play with our little Sackboy. Against all advice I then ventured into Playstation Home, which I believe is Sony’s attempt to make the Playstation more sociable? After creating my avatar I walked her out into what looked like a ‘trendy’ shopping centre square created in the early 90s which was mostly filled with adverts for new releases.  I went to get a drink (in real life) and returned to find my poor avatar lady surrounded by a group of boys all trying to say hello.  I shut it down and have never gone back since.

It is not a social machine. I realise others may disagree and, yes, I know the PS3 still offers all the delights of multiplayer but in my opinion if you want a social gaming console then the 360 is where it’s at. The fact that the PS3 still does not offer a party chat equivalent is shocking to me, the interface seems cluttered to navigate and there’s limited info for those that like stalking friends’ profiles like I do.  Before I get fanboys overheating with rage, I do think the PS3 is great though and I’ve spent a lot of time on it so far, despite the winter festivities intruding.  Seeing Ratchet and Clank again in Tools of Destruction is fantastic – I missed those guys.  When I was told the upcoming new release has four player co-op I squealed inside with excitement.

Pottering about in Little Big Planet is a pleasurable experience and it is a sweet, gentle-ish game for the children to enjoy too. Most of my time however has been invested in something I’d forgotten was out for the Playstation 3. Plenty of my friends plough many hours of their time into a favourite game.  I hear talk of over 120 hours spent on Fallout, others playing Oblivion through several times, those who have played thousands of Call of Duty matches, but for me? My weakness?… Rolling Katamari.  Since purchasing a copy of Katamari Forever, little else has been played on my PS3.  There is no game more infuriating and, in equal measures, satisfying for me than the Katamari franchise.

I contemplated doing an “I <3 Katamari” article for Gaming Lives until realising I didn’t have enough to say as it’s essentially the same thing over and over and over. It’s all wacky nonsense, but little beats getting the Katamari to the stage where you’re rolling up entire cities, hearing the screams of terror from the civilians. The game is almost identical to Beautiful Katamari for the Xbox 360 but I don’t care, all I need is a slightly different layout and slightly different challenges.  Once I hear the plinky-plonky music start up, I’m in a little slice of geek heaven. My gaming dream came true in 2010 and I’m a dual-console owner. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to ignore all these God of War and Uncharted titles to get back to my Katamari.

I think… hope… that I am not alone in having missed out on some huge or influential titles – games where you have to gaze at your feet, scuff them into the dirt and admit in hushed tones that you’ve never tried them. I would like to use this article as a chance to step out of my Closet of Shame and fess up to some titles that I’ve never played.

Metal Gear
For my sins I still know very little about the franchise aside from recalling Solid Snake being the cover boy of choice on countless gaming magazines in my youth. It’s a series that I should invest some time in, particularly after pouring numerous hours into Splinter Cell: Conviction and constantly hearing people compare Snake with Sam Fisher. Seeing as I owned a PSone and a Playstation 2 I have no legitimate reasons for missing out on Metal Gear. I can only humbly apologise.

Final Fantasy
Gamers often get involved in internet barneys over which is the best Final Fantasy. I have never played one, I’ve never even seen one played. I am clueless about the storyline and game-play. I do know that every song ever written has an accompanying fan made Final Fantasy montage video on YouTube so I get it’s a big thing. As much as I’d love to call myself open minded, we are none of us perfect and I don’t care for the series and almost certainly never will. I’m not even sorry this time.

Resident Evil
While loitering near groups of boys at college, I would hear their excitement at the Resident Evil games. They would sound awesome with the talk of mutated creatures, zombie dogs and giant spiders. Being a black-clad, Sisters of Mercy-lovin’, eyeliner-addicted horror movie fan this appealed no end. However it was also around the time I discovered I’m a coward and horror games scare the living crap out of me. Alas, aside from having a go on the Resident Evil 5 demo and finding it pretty dire, I have never been able to play through any game in the series. These exact same words can also be applied to the Silent Hill franchise.

Mass Effect
This entry is cheating a bit as I had tried the beginning of the first Mass Effect and, blasphemous as this is, I was bored. It was boring. I couldn’t get on with the fighting and wandering about talking to people doesn’t do it for me. I have to wander around talking to people in real life, why would I want to sit down in the evening and do it some more. The same can be said for Oblivion and Fallout. The reason I’m including these is that there’s so much love for the games out there that I can’t help feeling I’ve missed out and feel mild shame that not only have I not played these games through but also that I find them dull. I believe that’s offended everyone reading this, yes I know I have shocking taste sometimes.

Pokemon
The Pokemon thing exploded in the UK while I was slightly off the games radar. There’s a patchy couple of years that mainly involved drinking/working hard (delete as appropriate depending on whether you’re my Dad or not) and gaming was cast aside. I have never played a Pokemon game although I did find Pikachu rather cute while watching the cartoon from bed in a comatose, hungover state. Thinking back, I never had a Game Boy anyway, only a Game Gear. I think this means I had a deprived/privileged childhood (delete as appropriate depending on whether you’re my Dad or not).

So there, that’s a few of my dirty little secrets out but before you judge me too harshly I’m sure you have some gaming skeletons hidden away at the back of your wardrobe too. I know amongst you are people who have never played a Sonic the Hedgehog game, Halo or Bubble Bobble. Come with me, liberate yourself from the guilty shackles of these unplayed games and together we can overcome the shame.

Many people questioned me starting at 4am but this was the only way I could fit in a few hours of sleep afterwards before the kids were dropped back home. The donations to my Just Giving page started coming in thick and fast and fellow Gaming Lives writer Lee suggested raising the target amount from £150 to a seemingly impossible £500. Over the next week I got to work on getting the page link out there using Facebook and Twitter. Both friends and strangers continued to donate and help spread the word; retweets from Eurogamer, NowGamer, Gail Porter, Lionhead Studios and Official Xbox staff, amongst others, meant that not only did I have more sponsorship but potentially tens of thousands more gamers are now aware of the charity. After only a week and a half of fundraising, thanks to the huge generosity of people out there, I went to bed on the night before the event having broken the target £500 amount!

When my alarm went off at 3:57am I trudged straight into the lounge, switched on the Xbox and sat huddled under a blanket. I had banned myself from playing Halo in the run up to the 24 hour attempt so I was actually looking forward to playing. Expecting to be gaming alone for the first few hours I was taken by surprise when Lee and Mark S turned up to start me off on the first couple of games. As they left to sanely go and get some sleep, our American writer Adam R took over duties and, for a few hours, I gamed with him and his friends. The company was great and I’ve never loved Americans more than at that moment! As the time difference meant that they started to go to bed, it was daylight in the UK and my British friends were slowly coming online.

Some friends came and went throughout the day, others stuck around for numerous hours; I believe Pete put in the most hours which is extra impressive as before that day he’d hardly touched a Halo game and had never experienced the multiplayer. Bill from the SpecialEffect charity also braved joining us for a couple of hours, including the games where I started messing with the settings.  It turns out he’s quite skilled with a golf club for a weapon and so the ‘golf club-and-jet-packs-only’ game was a great laugh.  The variety of in game-modes helped hugely – we could play as individuals, slaying each other, or as teams and, since just shooting each other would get boring, the different rules in ‘Capture The Flag’, ‘Headhunter’, ‘Rocket Race’, ‘Invasion’ etc let us mix things up. ‘Firefight’ mode in particular is always good fun and was ideal for when there were only four of us about.

I would grab the occasional break for a bite to eat and to rest my eyes which, at one point, started to get very sore. I can’t drink caffeine as it affects my heart-rate so I had to do without and instead relied on more natural ways to stay awake, such as wholegrains to power me through, and I saved most of my sugary treats for the final few hours. I had been trying a course of ginkgo biloba extract in the hope it would help with alertness and focus but I’m not sure I noticed any difference (aside from the aftertaste as it’s akin to drinking diluted TCP!). What I’m convinced did help though was rosemary oil extract which I added to hot water; I definitely felt more “with it” once the aroma saturated the room.

Aside from some physical discomfort, it wasn’t until 7pm that I had my first wave of getting fed up. I was feeling tired and getting sick of the game.  Even when I closed my eyes I’d see grenades being thrown and the sound effects were still ringing in my ears. I got a second wind and it was midnight that it became a real chore again; I was yawning constantly and nothing would perk me up, though I wasn’t alone as my compadres who were still sticking it out with me were also going quiet. We decided to play around in Forge World (an area that lets you create your own maps or, alternatively, lets you drop tanks on your friend’s head) but that mainly consisted of Iain building rather phallic looking structures so we went back into multiplayer.

The final three hours were the hardest with tiredness and boredom having set in. People meant well by reminding me there was “only” three hours to go but never has that seemed like such a long stretch of time! With only four of us left we did some of the campaign which I’m still yet to finish and, eventually, 4am crawled back around again and with a half-hearted cheer, we could finally go to bed. 24 hours in Halo Reach had been completed. The mad thing is? The very next day I had to stop myself from finally completing the campaign and by Monday night I was happily joining friends in multiplayer again. I think this is testament to Bungie having created a fantastic game and hopefully not a sign that 24 hours in Halo Reach has made me lose my marbles.

A massive thank you goes out to everyone who joined me on the day, I could not have done it without you. There wasn’t even one spare minute when I had to game by myself – you’re the ones that made it possible for me to do it and spurred me on. Also, thanks to everyone who sponsored me, who spread the word via emails and social networking or who sent well wishes. At the time of writing I’ve raised a colossal £600 for SpecialEffect! This money will be going directly towards kicking off a brand new project called the SpecialEffect Loan Library and will help to purchase a number of one-handed controllers. These will be loaned out for people to try before committing to buying one themselves and includes service men and women who have lost limbs in recent conflicts. One such controller has already been sent out to someone who lost an arm in Afghanistan and wants to be able to play their PS3 again. If you haven’t donated and wish to then it’s not too late, please visit www.justgiving.com/katrice and for more information on the charity go to www.specialeffect.org.uk/

Afterwards I talked to Dr Mick Donegan, founder of SpecialEffect, who seemed delighted by the response their work had received at the expo. Us gamers can be rather passionate about our hobby but it’s also something we can take doing for granted and I believe the thought of an accident or illness leaving us unable to use a controller will strike a chord with most of us.

SpecialEffect help people with disabilities find enjoyment through gaming by developing and modifying cutting-edge technology (whether adapting controllers or utilising the eye-control tech); supporting schools, hospices and hospitals in finding the right technology for youngsters who need it and also loaning this equipment to people who have had a sudden illness or injury. Some software is created especially for youngsters, an example being five year old Lewis who the charity has helped. His body has deteriorated since the age of two due to an undiagnosed condition and leaves him unable to speak or control his movements, however the one thing he still has control over is his eyes.

The charity designed a piece of software using Lewis’ favourite Cbeebies characters which works by using gaze-controlled technology I experienced at Eurogamer. Lewis uses the computer regularly and is sent new games by the SpecialEffect team that allow him to enjoy playing both with his family or independently. The StarGaze Project is an appeal, launched by SpecialEffect and it’s patron Matt Hampson who suffered a spinal injury while training for the England Under-21 rugby team in 2005. This technology is very expensive but they hope to loan out three of these special computers at a time. Being able to borrow the equipment allows somebody to discover how it works and aims to improve their quality of life immediately after an accident. They can then decide if they’d like to fund-raise for themselves or apply for statutory funding to purchase a computer.

It isn’t only self-created games that SpecialEffect can provide but they also hope that developers will be open to helping make their games more accessible to those with disabilities at the “drawing board” stage. Currently they can only adapt more mainstream games once they’ve hit the marketplace, for example, by using large pads or sticks that are easier to control than the numerous triggers, d-pads and buttons that we’re used to. The examples of modified games that were on display at the expo included Forza, F1 2010 and Live For Speed. Often something simple sounding such as allowing buttons to be remapped on a standard controller or slowing down the gameplay could make a huge difference to someone being able to play a game.

The industry is starting to become receptive to making these additions or adjustments. PopCap released Peggle with a colourblind mode, Bayonetta has an option for simplified controls and Star Trigon had a one-button fully accessible menu. Playstation Move and the Xbox’s Kinect system also have the potential to open up gaming to a wider audience, including those with disabilities. SpecialEffect have a specialist occupational therapist who is on hand to give advice to developers on the type of movements that disabled people can make therefore allowing as many as possible to join in with the gaming.  In an ideal world there should be a broad spectrum of games available regardless of a person’s physical capabilities.

A part of the charity’s work includes the GameBase site, a list of more accessible games divided into sections by console type, PC, eye-gaze etc and is a great free resource. It can be found here – http://www.gamebase.info/magazine.html

Fundraising enables the charity to continue helping people with disabilities find enjoyment through gaming and has also helped to create and maintain the world’s first fully accessible computer games suite at the Helen and Douglas House Hospice in Oxfordshire. If you’re interested in learning more about SpecialEffect or wish to donate to this fantastic cause then please visit http://www.specialeffect.org.uk/

I am woman. I am a relatively strong minded, independent woman. Now before you leave in your droves thinking this is yet another “ZOMG I’m a gurl gamer!!1!” rant, hold your horses. Modern day women can juggle work, children and a social life without being judged by the majority. We can vote, become a vicar should we want to, or join the armed forces, just like our fellow man. As fantastic and empowering all this is for us, it’s meant any hint of being slightly submissive is close to taboo in this day and age which is why this article could create a legion of angry girl gamers webwide and set feminism back fifty years. It’s not a view I expect many to empathise with or admit to but here it is…

…I quite enjoy being the damsel in distress.

In day to day life there’s not much opportunity for this. If I lose the keys to my flat I shouldn’t swoon into the arms of the closest guy, bat my eyelashes and hope he’ll break down my door in a manly fashion. If my car dies, a passing gentleman won’t help pull me onto his horse as we then gallop into the sunset together, I call the RAC. Gaming is the last bastion of the helpless maiden buried inside of me, a place where every now and then I’m indulged by a gallant Spartan in shining armour.

The damsel in distress thing doesn’t work on the whole in games as we usually play the hero, whether it’s a big muscled protagonist or a kick arse female. It wouldn’t be very fun dossing about being the princess in another castle or playing as a hostage awaiting release in Modern Warfare, however co-op games are a damsel’s best friend. If I go down during a firefight in Borderlands or Gears of War then I sit on the edge of my seat nervously watching my co-op buddy frantically dodge bullets and slay enemies purely in a race to revive me before I bleed out completely. If they fail then they naturally get a barrage of abuse from me, but if they succeed and we make the next checkpoint then the wave of gratitude gives me the warm and fuzzies.

Another example that would stoke the cockles of my heart is having my death avenged during multiplayer. There’s nothing more satisfying to see while waiting to respawn than your friend taking vengeance on your killer. Often a courteous, heartfelt exchange follows consisting of, “did you see that camping a*^&hole? I totally messed that motherf*&ker up for you!”, “yeah dude, was so awesome!” or other such refined responses.

I realised I may have taken this whole notion too far when, in this years release of Red Dead Redemption, I was mildly disappointed that hog-tying wasn’t a part of the multiplayer modes. Not just because it’s a bit kinky but also because my character wouldn’t be tied up and thrown onto railway tracks waiting for my very own John Marston to come and rescue her. Thankfully I’m not a complete waste of space and I do actually enjoy doing well in a game; I equally get my kicks rescuing team-mates or avenging a friend’s death. I don’t play games simply to put myself into a virtual perilous situation and await my saviour, it’s simply a minor bonus I have only recently noticed.

With all this in mind, I’m now beginning to wait impatiently for the release of Halo: Reach – a game that will provide ample damsel moments thanks to its co-op and multiplayer modes. I look forward to gathering a team of heroes to help assist me, inform me of which weapons I should be using instead of me picking one purely because it’s purple or makes a cool noise. A squad to clear out Covenant from an area while I’m wildly shooting them in the kneecaps or distracted by something shiny. A group to guide me through levels when I get lost and pretty much carry me through the entire game. So, who’s up for that? Anyone?… Anyone?… Didn’t think so!

The new world order will be run by us fans of Dead Rising or Resident Evil, we will be left to repopulate the planet.  I can stock up on first aid kits which, fortunately, heal any wound no matter how near-fatal it is but I am relying on one of you to have a stockpile of shotguns and molotovs.

The one thing that can genuinely scare me in films is zombies. I wouldn’t like to meet the fast moving kind and the thought of hundreds of them eerily shuffling towards my hideout sends shivers down my spine.  It’s a horrible way to go.  A vampire will at least seduce you and drain your blood while you’re busy swooning.  A werewolf will quickly rip you to shreds.  A zombie though can start by nibbling your fingertips off or gnawing slowly through your skull – that’s pretty horrific in my book.  Putting zombies and games together is close to my idea of heaven and so with this, I pay homage to my personal favourite – Left 4 Dead.

Although, in my opinion, the sequel was a superior game, the original has a special place in my undead heart. It was my first proper introduction to the joys of online multiplayer and also the first “scary” game I was able to summon up enough courage to play on my own. I remember firing up the campaign for ‘No Mercy’ for the first time and ever so slowly edging down the staircase from the roof, literally on the edge of my seat, waiting to jump at any moment. Multiplayer befuddled me the first few times I played as Special Infected but being able to control the zombie attacking the humans was a great twist for me and I’m glad I persevered with the mode.

The series of campaigns take the four survivors through various areas in their hunt for saferooms and eventual rescue via choppers, planes, boats and army vehicles, all the while they are battling through your common or garden variety zombies and the Special Infected. These souped-up zombies have different abilities such as dragging you away from the action, temporarily blinding you with bile, or pouncing from afar and ripping your intestines out. Not to mention the random spawns of the sobbing Witch, shhh don’t startle her, or the Tank who has the ability to seriously mess up your game.

The teamwork required is co-op at its very best. When pinned by a Hunter, watching your health bar drain, you feel utterly helpless while awaiting a teammate to come and rescue you. I still feel the need to hammer the controller as if, one day, the X button will actually shove the Hunter away. You have to rely on your fellow gamers to help protect you when covered in blinding Boomer bile or get you back up when incapacitated (or “incapped” as the cool kids say, honest). Snap judgements have to be made as to where to take a stand in a finale or the best way to deal with an impending Tank attack.

It’s fascinating how the real life personalities of the gamer is revealed in-game. Those more impatient call back to the others to hurry up, somebody who is cautious wants to check out of the way areas for ammo or health supplies, a multitasker seems to be everywhere at once – fending off Tanks with one hand while reviving you with another and there’s always the one with the “hero” complex who has to take down the Witch even if she’s over the other side of the map.

The survivors – Bill, Zoey, Francis and Louis are loveable, even if their actions as AI could be infuriating at times. Free me from this Smoker tongue and imminent death, Bill? No? Rather stand there and watch me die? Fair enough. Everybody seems to have their favourite, whether it’s Zoey calling zombie bullshit, Louis grabbin’ pills, the experienced war veteran Bill or “I hate everything except vests” Francis. The banter between characters is well written and amusing and I refuse to believe there isn’t a Left 4 Dead fan in the world who hasn’t at some point exclaimed “PILLS HERE!” while rifling through their bathroom cabinet.  When Bill’s body was found during The Passing DLC for Left 4 Dead 2 I felt a genuine pang of sadness and still do. I made a simple YouTube video for my gamer friends so we could half-jokingly mourn together but it surprised me by getting over 3000 views and a string of L4D fans also “paying their respects” in the comments section. This was for a character from a game released over a year previously and highlights the adoration gamers like me have for the title.

Left 4 Dead may have been shunted to one side by its sequel and is gathering dust for now but I am still very fond of the game and it’s one that I never plan on trading in. It’s in my all time favourite games, with its humour, warmth, tense moments, great gameplay PLUS zombies and that is why I <3 it so.

Oh noey Woey, it looks like it's starting to snowey!

There is also a flip-side; when games enter the world of sex. Naturally, being naive to what lurks in the darker corners of the internet (don’t smirk, I have to put that, my parents might be reading), I was only recently introduced to game pornography early in 2009 with the stellar performances in “Left 4 Head”, an adult spin on the popular Left 4 Dead game. Curiosity got the better of me and I sat slack jawed through the first half and had to prevent myself dozing off during the second. Our survivor, Zoey, tackles Special Infected in a way you’d hoped never to see. When attacked by a Smoker, it’s not his tongue that wraps itself around her but the world’s longest trousersnake. Of course, when you’re being strangled to death by a giant penis, your first instinct is to suck the end of it.

Sakura? Yes, I think I'd rather.	Call of Booty... best I could do really!	Zoey gets a little frisky with a Witch

After Zoey eventually finishes off the Smoker (I’m talking via gun here, not a money shot) she’s then “attacked” by a Hunter where she makes a half-hearted attempt to push him away before providing us with the promised “Head” part of the title. It’s a little bit rape-y and Hunters aren’t blessed with the prettiest schlong or at least the actor isn’t. It’s not good enough to be a turn on or terrible enough to find hilarious, it’s just bad. The moral of the story seems to be that if you can fellate your way through a zombie apocalypse, you’ll survive. Unfortunately if there’s a sequel where Zoey gets it on with a Witch while a Boomer gurgles excitedly in Left 4 Head 2 I’m yet to find it.

This clearly isn't real, but imagine the achievements??

For research reasons only, honest, I decided to further investigate game-to-porn adaptations, hoping for a wealth of poorly made videos to mock as opposed to being titillated by. Sadly the scene seems to be lacking. The best known series is “World of Whorecraft” which sold over 20,000 downloads at eight bucks a pop and is only worth hunting down for the few minutes of “acting”. One guy with an odd Irish/pirate accent needs gold in return for his cloak-repair services and the sexy Elf coyly declares “oh you’ll get your booty” as she disrobes before getting down and dirty. The creator of Whorecraft also went on to produce a porno entitled “FPS-Porn Operation Sex: Cock and Load”. It seemed to mainly consist of a gun strapped to the front of a camera and put a whole new meaning into the phrase “BOOM! HEADSHOT!”.

Hallo-a... I've-a come-a to feeks-a your freej-a!

Another well-known games franchise that has been the target of the adult industry is Street Fighter with the release of the subtly named “Street Fucker”. This Japanese film includes Chun-Li, Ryu and Honda amongst others and contains the least desirable porn actress I’ve laid eyes on in the form of Sakura. The porno may be a random, bizarre experience that makes little sense but at least they made the characters more faithful to the games than the 1994 Van Damme movie did. With gamers out there actively searching on Google for the elusive Call of Booty: Modern Whorefare 2, is there actually a high demand for game porn or do we just want a giggle? Perhaps half the fun is just coming up with title puns – Ninja Gay Den, Ass Effect, Lust Planet or more niche videos such as Ratchet and Spank. If they were well-produced I think some gamers would certainly have their interest piqued by Halo’s Cortana, Modern Warfare’s Soap MacTavish or Dragon Age’s Morrigan making an appearance in a more adult form. There definitely seems like a gap in the market and I believe we’re just the people to fill it, who’s with me!

Any minute now... fluffy bunnies and unicorns are going to appear in the distance, just wait and see...

Energon-this. Energon-that. Those Decepticons don’t talk about anything else. If only one enterprising Transformer would start the Scottish and Southern Energon company and distribute the energy efficiently it would save all these frantic battles and the lives of countless unnamed, unappreciated robot soldiers. No, I haven’t decided to become an alien peacekeeper. I simply chose to purchase a game that is outside of my comfort zone; something I wouldn’t even normally register was on the shelves. My impulse buy of choice was Transformers: War For Cybertron. I won’t review it, I know it’s not aimed at me as I seem to be spending half the time wondering if there’s cute little baby Transformers hidden away or a planet full of lilac glittery fembots awaiting the day their menfolk return. I do, however, usually think it’s good to broaden your horizons and a little variety is always a postitive thing.

After playing through the first Decepticon chapter I realised the error of my ways. Perhaps with games I should stick with what I know. I was not enjoying myself at all. It was chaotic; I didn’t know where to go, one of the robots talks funny and I couldn’t understand him, ammo ran out at an alarming rate and my superpower seemed to involve my robo-shoes leaking a bit of blue light as I ran forwards slightly quicker for 0.25 seconds. After completing that mission I ripped the game from my beloved Xbox and contemplated getting on my knees and begging the Asda Entertainment Desk for a refund.

Oh yeah hi... refund for Transformers please... or my friends here *backwards nod* start shooting shit up

What has saved this game was an offer from our very own Lee to help me through it on co-op. Despite it being the same infuriating game with its unvarying, monotonous levels, it became fun. I had somebody else ranting about the negatives of the game, to show me what to do or give advice on beating a boss, to laugh at me and my foolhardy deaths or provide a few amusing demises of their own. Co-op is often the cherry on top of a delicious cream filled cake. Left 4 Dead would still be enjoyable and a very good game if it only consisted of single player campaign and Versus multiplayer, but adding co-op raises it to a whole new level. Red Dead Redemption had so much going on with its release, single player campaign, free roam and multiplayer modes. The later tacking on of the free co-op DLC just added to its greatness.

This isn’t always the case. Transformers isn’t the first time enlisting the help of a friend has gotten me through a game I would otherwise have left to gather dust. I completed a bulk of Gears of War 2 on my own but it was thanks to online co-op and split screen that I made it through to the finale. Saints Row 2 would also have sat half-played if it weren’t for the hilarity and high jinx that went on in co-op mode. The Lego series of games are another that benefit hugely from the introduction of a wingman. I had tried Indiana Jones by myself and found it charmingly average but when I recently had the opportunity of co-op, it came into its own. I now have a shiny, new copy of Lego Harry Potter sat here waiting for the right person to visit so it can be played. A game I may consider to be a turkey can be transformed into a slap-up sunday roast with all the trimmings once co-op comes into play.

My bet is that he wouldn't be doing that if he didn't give in to that sales guy and buy kick ass insurance

I have sat and debated purchasing Crackdown 2 for these very reasons. I played the demo a handful of times and it never grew on me. I felt disconnected from the combat, got bored of constant leveling up, the narrator grated on my nerves and found the graphics a bit “previous gen” despite not being a graphics whore. The argument about how there’ll be so many more enemies on the screen doesn’t wash with me. It only means more respawns while I attempt to take them all on. I may bitch and moan but underneath all that is a game with huge explosions where I can throw trucks at my friends, and that’s what really matters. I have my fingers crossed that the power of co-op works its magic again on another potentially very so-so game. I hope over the next week I’m eating my words and literally having a blast in the game. Be seeing you in Pacific City agents!