“Tsunami or some shit”
Where was I in January? Where were you in January, punk? Do you know how many games there were to write about last month? Somewhere between bugger all and nowt. January’s release schedules were unusually thin this year unfortunately. Still, with half of England being under a fucking tsunami or some shit I guess we shouldn’t grumble too much.

So here we are, more than two months in and things are starting to get going again. Most importantly, we’ve got Earth Defense Force 2025. Now this article will be out some time before my review and that’s because EDF is HUGE. I won’t say too much but all you need to know is that it takes everything that was good about EDF 2017, adds more weapons, classes, and levels, and you can do it all in four-player online co-op. Insect Armageddon has finally been consigned to the toilet of history and hopefully everyone at Vicious Cycle will die from shame when they play this one.

“Cock lightning”
There have been other full retail games such as Dragon Ball Z (I’m still not sure what this is and I want to keep it that way), Rambo (which is apparently dreadful but doesn’t have the right achievement difficulty for me to go and find out), The LEGO Movie Videogame (which can go fuck itself with a LEGO cock), Lightning Returns (more Final Fantasy bollocks about incredibly realistically-rendered unrealistic hairstyles), another Castlevania: Lords of Shadow and apparently Plants vs Zombies: Garden Warfare. Now Garden Warfare actually looks like it might be fun but after being stung by the Dungeon Keeper scandal (EA remade Dungeon Keeper for iOS but made it shit and more or less unplayable without IAPs), EA have sneakily waited until after launch, and therefore after the reviews, before they patch in the IAPs. At this point EA hate you so much it’s a wonder that they haven’t got a street team out there punching people who walk out of GAME holding a copy of FIFA.

Those big, new consoles continue to uninspire with the PS4 winning the first part of the console wars (even though it seems all the PS4 owners I know don’t ever play the thing). This has forced Microsoft into dropping the price of the Xbox One which is humiliating for them and hilarious for us. Apparently it’s because they are ‘listening to gamers’ which actually means their accountants are currently back at their houses and holding their children hostage until the people making the decisions start making some good ones. £399 with a bundled Titanfall code puts the Xbox One within the PS4 price structure (if you’re the kind of cretin who pays full retail for a game that is).

“love to fap”
Speaking of Xbox Ones, the launch title LocoCycle made an unexpected appearance on the 360 this month given us all the chance to play it. Coming from Twisted Pixel, there is a ton of humour in there but unfortunately it’s not as funny as it thinks it is. The game’s main, oft-repeated joke is to get I.R.I.S. (a sentient motorbike) to quote Big Trouble in Little China in an unassuming Portal voice over and over. The game looks rather nice but it’s all too shallow and far too easy.

Retro gamers love to fap themselves redundant over Capcom’s ’80s coin op Strider and so the not-as-good-as-they-used-to-be Japanese publishing giant decided it was time for a reboot. Unfortunately they gave it to Double Helix (who are always rubbish) who true to form stripped out anything good from the original game and turned it into the sort of game you’d expect another Xbox Live Arcade game to program if it could. Devoid of soul and character but big on chore and weak combat, I didn’t like it one bit.

“bastard just that”
Aside from EDF, all the real fun this month happened on the PlayStation Vita. Each month I grow to love the little handheld bastard just that bit more but this year has been ridiculous with a bunch of fun titles to be getting on with.

OlliOlli took the ‘endless’ bit out of the ‘endless runner’ genre. Oh… and the ‘running’ bit out and replaced it with skating and created a very tricky but ultimately addictive monster. Taking its cues from Trials HD but stripping out the dumb metal vibe and adding a nice jazzy hiphop one instead, OlliOlli is effortlessly cool right until the time your thumbs fall off and you die from thirst.

“tweaks could make surge”
Surge Deluxe was up next and was initially quite underwhelming with its modernised take on ‘join the dots’ but extended play does bring out the game’s addictive qualities, especially as you chase after the game’s trophies and better leaderboard scores. A few tweaks could make Surge Deluxe essential but for its current low price, it’s well worth a look for Vita owners.

Having run down my battery on both those games already, the assault continued with TxK, the latest Tempest-like from UK coding veteran, Jeff Minter. Sure, it’s just Tempest with insane graphics but TxK is fantastic, cheap and wonderful. It’s also rock hard but will be a challenge you’ll enjoy failing to beat.

“the shit I didn’t”
Sneaking in under the radar was Gunslugs, a retrotastic run and gunner that is cheap and cheerful but provides yet another highly addictive reason to keep your PS Vita out of your sock drawer. Sure, it looks like a PlayStation Mobile game, having started life on iOS and Android, but Vita owners are sure to enjoy its simple arcade charms.

Then we’ve got the shit I didn’t review for GamingLives such as Superfrog HD, Dustforce, Creatures & Castles VX and DokiDoki Universe. All on the Vita. Holy shit, Readers!

Next month sees the game of E3 2012, South Park: Stick of Truth, Dark Souls II (follow up to the most boring game in the world to listen to people play), the allegedly two-hour long Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes and Titanfall (Microsoft’s big Xbox One title that everyone will be playing on their 360s, if they can be bothered).

The charts make for less depressing reading than usual thanks to people buying new games after being starved of gaming fun for months.

1. Thief. There must be some kind of way out of here.
2. The Lego Movie Videogame. Whatever.
3. FIFA 14. No no I’m a red christmas-tree ball.
4. Plants Vs Zombies: Garden Warfare. EA take another game and turn it into an FPS. Luckily no-one cares about PvZ since the shit sequel came out last year.
5. Call of Duty: Ghosts. Just when I thought I could not be stopped. When my chance came to be king.
6. Battlefield 4. If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
7. Lego Marvel Super Heroes. Fucking whatever.
8. Minecraft: Xbox 360 Edition. You close your eyes, you concentrate together. That’s the way to send the message. We declare world contact day.
9. Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag. Fall Guy! Dynasty! Monday Night Football!
10. Castlevania: Lord of Shadow 2. Oh, girl you must be mad. What happened to the sweet love you and me had?

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