Best of 2010 – Guy Gamers

First Published: October 8, 2010
Voted By: Edward, Pete
Reasons for Vote:
It’s genuinely one of the most clever, hilarious and well thought out satires I have read in a while, especially in the gaming culture where satires are quite frequent. A brilliant premise that satirises men a lot more than it does women (despite a lot of commentary dissent from silly people) and makes you think as well as laugh. It’s one of the articles I can keep coming back to and back to time and time again – Edward
Very, very funny, excellently written and it pissed more than a few people off and that’s something I admire!! – Pete

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OMG a guy gamer! Look, copies of games™. It must be true.

Hi my name’s Lee. I’m a guy… and I play games.
Now before you go all crazy sharing links to this on twitter and Facebook thinking “OMG I’ve found a guy gamer”, believe it or not I’m not the only one. There are loads of us, yeah that’s right – boys, and even full grown men, who do nothing but play computer games in their spare time. Not just Mafia Wars either, I’m talking full blown buy in a shop triple A games like Gears of War, Halo and Red Dead Redemption; I’ve even ventured into the one game that girl gamers treasure amongst all others. That’s right I’ve even played Final Fantasy! I know what you’re thinking “Oh man WTF! This guy’s messed up, he should be watching football on the TV, walking the dog or be down the pub getting into a fight”, well I’m not one of those guys and I’m here to make a stand for all the guys like me. Games aren’t just for you girls you know, there is a growing community of us guys that like to play games but we can’t; we feel pushed out by you “girl gamers” with all your pink and pictures of cats and… and… your Final Fantasy crap, there I said it. Argh no, don’t hit me.

Take last night as an example, I ­­venture into matchmaking on Halo and I pray for a lobby with some colour to it, sadly this is not to be. Game after game, it’s nothing but a wall of pink tiles. I remain silent hoping that my orangey brown doesn’t look too different and they won’t notice I’m a guy. Then it hits, that twang of the American girl gamer’s voice that sends a shiver up my spine and causes my genitals to disappear back up inside me “OMG that justbiglee is like totally a dude,” followed by “No wayyy” before another Californian replies “Yes way, I like totally just clicked on his bio”. The only word that can sum up how I feel at that exact moment in time is “bollocks”. I consider backing out of the lobby but I’m too late, the screen is on the next page and the girls are all casting votes. I don’t want to do a race, girls why do you always pick race?! It’s a shooting game; stop messing about and pick headhunter. “Hey justbiglee why don’t you talk?” oh cock they are on to me, screw it I’ll say hi and maybe these girls will be different; maybe they will accept me as a gamer. “Hello”, I try to say with some confidence “OMG he’s like totally a dude, I knew he was a dude” and they burst into a fit of giggles “Hey, hey justbiglee like how big’s your dick?”. I sigh, is this what we as a human race has become, “I bet it’s tiny”, I feel like I want to cry at this point, “no way, my friend Shelly Sniper knew this one guy who played games back on the old Xbox and she said he had the biggest…”, I couldn’t be arsed listening to them anymore so I took my headset off just as I receive a friends request from “i 5iT 0N uR FacE”. I try to be nice to people online but don’t have many friends so I hit accept. What a bad idea that was, a few seconds pass and I receive a new message from her “So..? Lemme see your dick dude ^_^”

oh no not pink

I can still hear them giggling away through my headset as it lies on the arm of the couch.
Mute all.
Man I love that button, thank you bungie I <3 you so much right now.

Why do girls have to be such fannies about guy gamers? It makes me feel so sad, I’m gonna do a blog about it! I could have it all black with blue bits, and I’ll put a picture of me up in the top corner, pouting, taken from a high up angle, maybe I’ll pose on my bed with the xbox controller just so that people believe me when I say I’m a guy gamer, oh and I’ll make the picture black and white… yeah thats a good idea. I’ll use my sexuality to sell myself; the girls will have to take me seriously then. It’ll be so handsome. I could be like a voice for other guy gamers like a male Jessica Chobot and maybe I’ll meet some other guys and we could form like one of those clan things all the girls have like Frag Dolls, maybe then we’ll finally get some respect… maybe, one day, I could get a girl gamer girlfriend. That would be awesome.

Does it come in black?

The console manufacturers and games developers would have to start taking us seriously too; they need to see that we guy gamers are an untapped market. Seriously, stop making pink consoles and Hannah Montana games. Oh the Hannah Montana game – that had a horrible effect on my friend Victor; clever marketing and an in-store promotion meant he had no choice to play it all the way through! I’m not even joking a little when I say this but he has every single gamescore point on that game. He is not the man he once was, he’s seen things man, horrible things, it’s like his soul is gone; he’s completely dead behind the eyes. To try and man up, he started playing Batman: Arkham Asylum and he’s finished it more times than I care to remember but for all the man on man action Batman is choc full of, we can’t bring him back. Guy gamers just aren’t catered for, there are there no blue consoles. No dinosaur bundle packs. I demand equal rights before another poor soul like Victor is lost.

We need to get enough of us together and form a gang (is it ok to use the word gang?), maybe a club (no, club sounds to wussy), a troop? (no, we won’t be dancing) Ah wait a “team”, yeah, a team. Girls have the Frag Dolls and GamerchiX – the “x” makes them sound so cool, we could be just like them. We need a name like that. “GamerchapZ”? Hmmmm no bit too old fashioned and I need something more international. “GamerdudeZ”? Yeah I like that name, not too keen on the spelling though, it’s trying too hard to be cool. We need something more grounded but also cool and down with the kids.
Oh I know…

a logo the girl gamers will soon fear

There you have it – the birth of gamerdoods. You just actually witnessed history then. Your children will ask where you were when you read this you know! A new day is upon us gents. No longer will guy gamers be treated as second class gamers, no longer do we have to put up with overhearing “Ohh killed by a girl”, no more pink consoles, no more cutesy anime gamer pictures. Don’t get me wrong, I dont mind girls playing games, I’d be a complete hypocrite if I did, I just want equal rights. So guys, if you’re out there, spread the news of “gamerdoods”. Change your motto on the Xbox, announce it on your Twitter feed, take a handsome black and white photo on your bed for your Facebook pic and let other guys know they are not alone, then… One day…

One day…

...We'll be able to play Headhunter

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