Cautionary Christmas

Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg, the Batmobile lost its wheel and the Joker got away, hey! Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few months, you’ll have no doubt noticed that it’s Christmas. The streets have been filled with snow, moronic shoppers have been buying anything edible in case they might starve over the few days the shops are closing and there’s so much tinsel hanging in offices worldwide that health and safety advisers are shitting themselves in fear of a glittery asphyxiation case. Whether you like Christmas or not, it’s fair to say that it’s a hazardous time of year. So hazardous it warranted a special, festive survival guide from yours truly.

Santa Baby
Christmas is the one time of year where parents actively make their child sit on the knee of a gin soaked, bearded stranger in a long coat and hat. Why? Because Coca-Cola told them it was ok. I don’t buy into this image of a wholesome, chubby purveyor of gifts, however. If you see a man in a red coat, looking rather bald and pasty and sitting in your local supermarket’s grotto, it may well be Agent 47 in disguise and, if my playthroughs of Hitman are anything to go by, he will kill everything and everyone to get his job done. That includes small dogs, although that’s more because it’s funny. Run and don’t look back.

Last one into the hut eats yellow snow

Let It Snow
It wouldn’t be Christmas without a bit of snow. Unfortunately this year, Glasgow seems to have hogged the rest of the UK’s supply, the selfish pricks, but there’s still been a fair amount throughout the rest of December to make up for it. Beautiful, deadly snow; it may be nice to look at, but it’s also a lethal menace. If Battlefield: Bad Company 2 is anything to go by, snow will literally freeze your eyes over and kill you if you don’t break into people’s houses and stand next to their fires every few minutes. Just don’t expect to be handed a cup of eggnog and be asked to pull a cracker. If you live in a particular bug infested town, you could always try shooting a few of them and literally stealing the warmth from their…um…cold, dead carcass? Although you will need to find your own Vital Suit if you get attacked by any building sized Akrid.

The Bird Is the Word
Traditional Christmas meals are usually made up of a massive turkey, brussel sprouts, potatoes, various other vegetables, gravy and cranberry sauce, with Christmas pudding and brandy sauce for dessert. Some people have different takes on Christmas dinner, preferring duck instead of turkey, or a Yule log for pudding. Maybe you don’t like sprouts or maybe brandy sauce makes you barf but a nice, fat juicy bird is a must for any Christmas dinner. But what are the alternatives to the people who don’t like duck or turkey? There’s always Chicken, but that’s a bit too plain for such a festive meal. A chocobo sure would feed a large family but you’d need to borrow Cloud’s sword to carve it.

How about a legendary bird from Pokémon? How about no – the bastards are hard enough to catch in a pokéball, let alone trying to catch them to cook and eat. So what bird should you eat? Easy; Falco from Star Fox. Why? The answer is twofold. First of all, he’s a bird. Secondly, he’s an annoying prick who deserves to be hunted and eaten.

We Are Family
Christmas is a time for family to get together, have a lovely meal and then fall asleep on each other’s shoulders in front of the TV but, as computer games have proven time and time again, family are just as likely to stab, imprison, shoot and generally be mean to you as the next villain. You should treat every family member with caution and not just in the same way to treat that creep uncle that everyone hopes stays at home this year. I mean actual ‘arm yourself to the teeth just in case’ caution. You never know whether your brother’s planning to shiv you for taking that last roastie or have his arm sewn on to a crazy Russian who’s named after a big cat.

So there we have it, my fool proof survival guide for this holiday season. Some of you may notice that I failed to mention the most important part of Christmas; the presents. This is because presents are awesome – unless it’s a bomb made to look like a present. Happy holidays readers and just a friendly word of warning on New Year’s Eve. Stay inside, lock the doors and stay away from the windows. All those fireworks make excellent cover for sniper fire.

Last five articles by Iain



  1. FC360 says:

    This article made me laugh so much & it’s almost 3 in morning oops. Great article :)

  2. Michael Author says:

    Mmmmm, Chocobo for dinner… Sounds delish!
    Merry freakin’ Christmas!

  3. Stu Stu says:

    Loved it and going to be using a couple of those tips!

    I’ve had my eye on a suspect snowman outside my house for a while, I thought it was odd a kid would arm one with a gun, but last night I swear it moved about 5 feet to the left. If it turns out to be Agent 47 and I don’t make it then the microfiche is hidden inside my right ear canal, next to the secret plans for the third Death Star.

    Right then…I’d best commence Operation Christmas Lockdown immediately!

    Happy Christmas folks! =)

  4. Kat says:

    We used to sing “jingle bells, batman smells, robin flew away. Father christmas lost his knickers on the motorway, hey!”. It makes no sense but was dead funny when I was 7.

    Merry christmas Pix, may santa come down your chimney tonight and give your stocking a good stuffing.

  5. Mark R MarkuzR says:

    I used to sing “Jingle bells, this is hell, how d’you like my blade? You can run, it’s much more fun, but I’ll skin ye anyway! HEY!” but that’s another article entirely, and not for this site I hasten to add! I absolutely LOVE that last picture, and it’s genuine, gotta love America. Very funny Iain, as always, but you’ve seriously got me in the mood for eating some of that funny looking chocobo meat, it’s like dodo meets Big Bird!

    Happy christmas everyone, hope you all get exactly what you want and NOT what you deserve ;)

  6. Samuel Samuel says:

    I tend to opt for another song variant, namely “Ho ho, fucking ho, what a crock of shit! We all work for Santa Claus, we’ve had enough, we quit!” No idea where I heard it, but it stuck.

    Funny stuff as usual Pix.

  7. Edward Edward says:

    Dude, hilarious as always, and I’ve made sure to avoid the outside world and opt to stay in and play videogames instead |:-)

    Merry christmas to ye! :D

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