Guy Gamers
by Lee
OMG a guy gamer! Look, copies of games™. It must be true.
Hi my name’s Lee. I’m a guy… and I play games.
Now before you go all crazy sharing links to this on twitter and Facebook thinking “OMG I’ve found a guy gamer”, believe it or not I’m not the only one. There are loads of us, yeah that’s right – boys, and even full grown men, who do nothing but play computer games in their spare time. Not just Mafia Wars either, I’m talking full blown buy in a shop triple A games like Gears of War, Halo and Red Dead Redemption; I’ve even ventured into the one game that girl gamers treasure amongst all others. That’s right I’ve even played Final Fantasy! I know what you’re thinking “Oh man WTF! This guy’s messed up, he should be watching football on the TV, walking the dog or be down the pub getting into a fight”, well I’m not one of those guys and I’m here to make a stand for all the guys like me. Games aren’t just for you girls you know, there is a growing community of us guys that like to play games but we can’t; we feel pushed out by you “girl gamers” with all your pink and pictures of cats and… and… your Final Fantasy crap, there I said it. Argh no, don’t hit me.
Take last night as an example, I venture into matchmaking on Halo and I pray for a lobby with some colour to it, sadly this is not to be. Game after game, it’s nothing but a wall of pink tiles. I remain silent hoping that my orangey brown doesn’t look too different and they won’t notice I’m a guy. Then it hits, that twang of the American girl gamer’s voice that sends a shiver up my spine and causes my genitals to disappear back up inside me “OMG that justbiglee is like totally a dude,” followed by “No wayyy” before another Californian replies “Yes way, I like totally just clicked on his bio”. The only word that can sum up how I feel at that exact moment in time is “bollocks”. I consider backing out of the lobby but I’m too late, the screen is on the next page and the girls are all casting votes. I don’t want to do a race, girls why do you always pick race?! It’s a shooting game; stop messing about and pick headhunter. “Hey justbiglee why don’t you talk?” oh cock they are on to me, screw it I’ll say hi and maybe these girls will be different; maybe they will accept me as a gamer. “Hello”, I try to say with some confidence “OMG he’s like totally a dude, I knew he was a dude” and they burst into a fit of giggles “Hey, hey justbiglee like how big’s your dick?”. I sigh, is this what we as a human race has become, “I bet it’s tiny”, I feel like I want to cry at this point, “no way, my friend Shelly Sniper knew this one guy who played games back on the old Xbox and she said he had the biggest…”, I couldn’t be arsed listening to them anymore so I took my headset off just as I receive a friends request from “i 5iT 0N uR FacE”. I try to be nice to people online but don’t have many friends so I hit accept. What a bad idea that was, a few seconds pass and I receive a new message from her “So..? Lemme see your dick dude ^_^”
oh no not pink
I can still hear them giggling away through my headset as it lies on the arm of the couch.
Mute all.
Man I love that button, thank you bungie I <3 you so much right now.
Why do girls have to be such fannies about guy gamers? It makes me feel so sad, I’m gonna do a blog about it! I could have it all black with blue bits, and I’ll put a picture of me up in the top corner, pouting, taken from a high up angle, maybe I’ll pose on my bed with the xbox controller just so that people believe me when I say I’m a guy gamer, oh and I’ll make the picture black and white… yeah thats a good idea. I’ll use my sexuality to sell myself; the girls will have to take me seriously then. It’ll be so handsome. I could be like a voice for other guy gamers like a male Jessica Chobot and maybe I’ll meet some other guys and we could form like one of those clan things all the girls have like Frag Dolls, maybe then we’ll finally get some respect… maybe, one day, I could get a girl gamer girlfriend. That would be awesome.
Does it come in black?
The console manufacturers and games developers would have to start taking us seriously too; they need to see that we guy gamers are an untapped market. Seriously, stop making pink consoles and Hannah Montana games. Oh the Hannah Montana game – that had a horrible effect on my friend Victor; clever marketing and an in-store promotion meant he had no choice to play it all the way through! I’m not even joking a little when I say this but he has every single gamescore point on that game. He is not the man he once was, he’s seen things man, horrible things, it’s like his soul is gone; he’s completely dead behind the eyes. To try and man up, he started playing Batman: Arkham Asylum and he’s finished it more times than I care to remember but for all the man on man action Batman is choc full of, we can’t bring him back. Guy gamers just aren’t catered for, there are there no blue consoles. No dinosaur bundle packs. I demand equal rights before another poor soul like Victor is lost.
We need to get enough of us together and form a gang (is it ok to use the word gang?), maybe a club (no, club sounds to wussy), a troop? (no, we won’t be dancing) Ah wait a “team”, yeah, a team. Girls have the Frag Dolls and GamerchiX – the “x” makes them sound so cool, we could be just like them. We need a name like that. “GamerchapZ”? Hmmmm no bit too old fashioned and I need something more international. “GamerdudeZ”? Yeah I like that name, not too keen on the spelling though, it’s trying too hard to be cool. We need something more grounded but also cool and down with the kids.
Oh I know…
a logo the girl gamers will soon fear
There you have it - the birth of gamerdoods. You just actually witnessed history then. Your children will ask where you were when you read this you know! A new day is upon us gents. No longer will guy gamers be treated as second class gamers, no longer do we have to put up with overhearing “Ohh killed by a girl”, no more pink consoles, no more cutesy anime gamer pictures. Don’t get me wrong, I dont mind girls playing games, I’d be a complete hypocrite if I did, I just want equal rights. So guys, if you’re out there, spread the news of “gamerdoods”. Change your motto on the Xbox, announce it on your Twitter feed, take a handsome black and white photo on your bed for your Facebook pic and let other guys know they are not alone, then… One day…
One day…
...We'll be able to play Headhunter
Games featured in this article
For more information on any of the games featured in this article, click on any of the links below
Last five articles by Lee
- Skullgirls - Preview
- Darksiders II - Preview
- Resistance 3 Interview with Jon Pacquette
- Ridge Racer Unbounded Hands-on Preview
- Forza Motorsport 4 Preview: Better with Kinect?
Lee, this is fucking magnificent.
I loved every part of it.
Gamerdoods unite!
Genius.
[...] This post was Twitted by Peoww [...]
Hah, oh Lee, that’s the best send-up of the whole militant girl gamer thing I’ve ever seen. Genius. Bravo man, bravo.
I couldn’t find the words to enthuse my support, so I updated my FB pic instead.
Totally going to do the same Rook!
Best article yet! (we don’t do blogs lol)
Pecs or GTFO!
I’m a gamer (who happens to be female) and I found this so funny. The “zOMG I’m a gurl gamer!” attitude irks some of us laydees as much as you guys. I’ve also managed to bag myself a gamerdood, they’ll be dead jealous.
Haha brilliant. Finally a male gaming role model to look up to. We’ll show those girl gamers that guys are just as good at computer games!
awww the internet loves my article <3 thanks guys. Loads of people have changed their profile pics on twitter and facebook to support the cause. I'll collect them all up and stick um on facebook or something later.
I can't belive how many guy gamers there are out there.
I adored this so SO much. Was laughing so hard at certain points last night, especially “i 5iT 0N uR FacE” as it perfectly sums up the reverse attitude. Fucking fantastically inspired and unique piece, and I can’t wait for http://www.gamerdoods.com to get off the ground too.
Lee… you are, henceforth, known to me as Brobot.
Brobot before Hobot dood
haha, yeah i stopped playing Reach because ever time i get in matchmaking some girl is always chatting me up when they hear my voice. I just want to play!
Fucking genius, Lee, seriously. I especially love the turnabout parody of the lobby and harrasment/abusive messages when you are ‘outed’ for your gender – thought it was a superb observation which you twisted beautifully
The whole thing is a great piece (wahey) and I look forward to sexually harrassing you online and asking about your ‘riding skillz’ next time we play multiplayer, now that I know you are a d00d.
Brilliant… just brilliant. I lack the words to describe my feelings for this article. I always felt so alone, always thought I’m the only gamer with a dick out there, but now I know that I’m not alone :,) You made my day Lee.
This article spoke to me on so many levels. Its hard being in the very, very vast minority in a gaming universe littered with gender bashing. You sir are a God among men! I demand we call ourselves the Suffra-gents!
the thing about this article is that it’s basically saying all the stuff you hear from other sites but when you put it in a different voice it shows how ridiculous it is. Gamers are just gamers. There’s no deeper message.
If this doesn’t get the Pulitzer for journalism, you were bloody robbed.
Seriously one of the best thing I have read in a long time, I needs me a gamerdood pic :p
Brilliant.
Fantastic article, love it!
gentlemen, this is how a revolution begins
gamerDoods 4 life! – nuff said.
I don’t really have a problem with girls or any other group wanting to make themselves known. Writing contentious articles that lay out every negative stereotype about them is probably not the best way to do it, even if they do refute those stereotypes; making them into Big Deals isn’t really good for anyone.
Actually, Lee wrote it as a comedic piece rather than being contentious… it’s very clearly a tongue-in-cheek piece. It’s quite astounding that there are people who read this article and see it as being a dig at girl gamers, rather than what it actually is… turning the tables to let guys see how ridiculous it would be if girls only ever wanted to see their nuts and cared more about their ass than their gaming ability. That’s what the article is all about, it’s what all humorous pieces are about – showing someone how ridiculous something is when taken from another perspective. Bill Hicks, George Carlin… all the great satirists played that card wonderfully.
I’m afraid one of my tweets may have inspired Lee to write this “contentious article” “https://twitter.com/almightyotter/status/25416638516” sorry it was a joke that MOST people found funny.
I don’t recall Bill Hicks playing the this card too often. He pretty much just said “everything sucks and here’s why:”.
This is not very funny, and it definitely is a dig at girl gamers. Like LogicalDash said, it just lays out every negative stereotype. I suppose the fact that there are some silly girls absolves the countless number of abusive assholes of any wrongdoing. They bring the abuse unto themselves, of course. Yep.
How can anyone other than the original author really say that it is “definitely” a dig at girl gamers? Knowing Lee, and the fact that his girlfriend is also a gamer, it isn’t; it’s a dig at the way GUYS treat girl gamers… like they’re some alien being, something to be either idolised or shunned but rarely just accepted as being a gamer who also happens to be a girl. This site is co-run by a girl gamer, who also found it funny, and who also knows that it’s not a dig at girl gamers. That same gamer had her XBL gamertag published in a 360 magazine (along with her photo, I believe) and was inundated by guys who all wanted to add her to their friends list because she was a girl and a gamer… it’s just odd. It’s weird, she’s JUST a gamer like the rest of us. Guys treat girl gamers differently, yet girls don’t treat guy gamers differently… hence the article being about turning the situation on its head to point out the ridiculousness of it.
You don’t HAVE to find it funny, but it’s unfair to deem something as definitely being a dig if you don’t know the background to the whole thing which, admittedly, you couldn’t possibly know… but trust me… were it deliberately sexist or degrading, I wouldn’t have published it.
Thanks for the comments though
This piece is hardly a dig at female gamers. Maybe the humour is too subtle…I thought that it was obviously about subverting the common and most shitty stereotypes that myself and others have encountered. If anything, it is more of a dig at male gamers who behave in the manner described. Yep.
This is the opposite of subtle.
Here’s the thing: At first it does indeed seem like it is mocking the behavior of male gamers. The article becomes ineffective at doing that, however, at this paragraph:
“Why do girls have to be such fannies about guy gamers? It makes me feel so sad, I’m gonna do a blog about it! I could have it all black with blue bits, and I’ll put a picture of me up in the top corner, pouting, taken from a high up angle, maybe I’ll pose on my bed with the xbox controller just so that people believe me when I say I’m a guy gamer, oh and I’ll make the picture black and white… yeah thats a good idea. I’ll use my sexuality to sell myself; the girls will have to take me seriously then. It’ll be so handsome. I could be like a voice for other guy gamers like a male Jessica Chobot and maybe I’ll meet some other guys and we could form like one of those clan things all the girls have like Frag Dolls, maybe then we’ll finally get some respect… maybe, one day, I could get a girl gamer girlfriend. That would be awesome.”
Here it’s quite obvious that the crux of his ‘dig’ is now at the vapidity of the stereotypical girl gamer. The way I interpret this is that since these girls are so idiotic themselves, the comments they receive are essentially their faults, because they are, and I quote, “using [their] sexuality to sell [themselves].”
So, in short: Because some girls are silly and present themselves to gaming communities as girls, the people who make disparaging, sexist comments toward them aren’t totally guilty; the girls bought it upon themselves. It reminds me a whole lot of the mindset wherein people say, “Well, rape is awful and such, but the girl *really* shouldn’t have been wearing that low-cut dress…” but of course with a lower severity.
Please clarify where I have misinterpreted this.
Well, we’ll agree to disagree then
As I said before, you’re entitled to read it and interpret how you want and I’ll do the same. I have the benefit of knowing Lee in person. Ultimately, it’s one person writing one thing on the internet and the whole purpose of the internet these days seems to be to tell someone that they’re wrong rather than accepting that you may merely have a differing opinion to them. It was a humourous piece, and whether you find it humourous yourself is entirely up to you. Some people find George Carlin funny while others prefer Emo Phillips, some find Eddie Izzard hilarious while others just think he’s talking bullshit all the time. I found the article funny, because that humour appeals to me. If it doesn’t appeal to you, doesn’t mean anyone should make any apologies for it. No worries.
I for one was horribly offended by something that doesn’t particularly concern or affect me and how I live my life.
Excuse me while I write a massive essay condemning the writer and everyone concerned for condoning something that I’m going to be personally offended by on behalf of a group of people who have openly found nothing offensive and have backed up the writer in question!
Seeing as I didn’t find it funny, I demand a personal apology for not enjoying something everyone else did.
And some love.
I’m so very, very lonely. =[
Likely the original poster will never read it, but I felt like writing this rebuttal anyway.
“Here it’s quite obvious that the crux of his ‘dig’ is now at the vapidity of the stereotypical girl gamer. ”
Well now, that’s not how I read it at all. And for that matter, to me that isn’t the stereotype of the girl gamer. That’s the stereotype of a female who wants attention and has decided to try and get it by rehashing and rewriting an article that’s already been posted on the internet dozens of times that should get her attention from a demographic who are stereotypically desperate for female attention. Why can’t you make a dig at actual vapid girl gamers(because there are a lot of them, just like there are a lot of sexist/racist/immature guy gamers) without it being interpreted as an attack on all females everywhere?
For that matter, I happen to notice that he only really made fun of the actually ridiculous complaints made in such articles. He’s not whining about how males are over-sexualized in videogames. He’s not complaining about how the only male main characters in videogames are on uber-violent shooters and otherwise they’re just relegated to support with corny lines. He’s not complaining that there are too many cooking games and not enough sports games.
He’s talking about making boys-only clans, and the usual sexism bit.
If you’re a female, and you’ve been harassed online for it, here’s what I want to tell you. Guess what? If you weren’t female, those guys wouldn’t be any nicer to you. They’d be questioning your sexuality, calling you racist curse words, questioning your skill, questioning your age, piling long lists of foul word they know in the dictionary on you. People on the internet are complete assholes, if anything, they /might/ be influenced to be just the slightest bit nicer to you because you’re female because they think they might in some dream-world work out a way to see you naked. Is that fair? No. Welcome to the internet.
“…It reminds me a whole lot of the mindset wherein people say, “Well, rape is awful and such, but the girl *really* shouldn’t have been wearing that low-cut dress…”
You just brought out rape to make your point about a satire article on a silly website. You took an article you didn’t happen to find funny, and you felt that it was necessary to compare it with a separation of one degree to one of the worst crimes a human being can commit on another. I happen to find tossing that kind of reference around to prove this unimportant a point MUCH more offensive than the article, and I imagine most rape victims (90% of whom are female) would feel much the same, and most would probably find you rather more sexist for invoking that kind of experience so ham-fistedly than they would the original writer for making fun of a particular post that’s been made repeatedly on the internet to the point where it’s nauseating.
Also: Saying “blahblahblah RAPE!!! but of course not that severe…” Is like shouting fire in a theatre and whispering ‘just kidding.’ Certain words have a lot of power, and they jump out of a sentence at you, invoking feelings and causing thoughts out of context that cannot be taking back. It’s like how the vicious murder of innocent children often upsets even those who don’t have children.(See what I mean?) By the way you write you’re literate enough to know that, too, so I can’t help but assume you were being intentionally sensationalist.
Anyway, I was amused. Good article.
This is great. I never comment on articles but this is hilarious. Nice to see someone poking fun at this bollocks victim complex many ‘gurl gaymers’ have.
There are loads of us, yeah that’s right – boys, and even full grown men, who do nothing but play computer games in their spare time.
Computer games != console games…
btw i thought this was amazing. kudos good sir
Damn, I didn’t LQTM this time, I LOL’ed and then ROFL’ed a little bit aswell. Awesome article!
This was extremely meta, on several levels at once. Loved it.
@ True Computer Gamer
Don’t nitpick.
A computer is a thing that computes. Consoles compute. Therefore, consoles are computers, and any games on them are computer games.
“True PC Gamer
PC games != console games”
Fixed that for you.