I Heart…Naughty Bear

Nothing beats a bit of sadistic violence and severe emotional abuse after a stressful day at work. Cue Naughty Bear.  There’s just something about those pitiful cries of terror, pathetic whimpers of pain and wholesale object destruction that make me feel a whole lot better, as if it’s somehow cleansing in some way. The fuzzy teddies sacrifice themselves (unwillingly, I’ll admit), so that I might feel better after a rough day. The fact that the horrid little shits deserve it makes it that much more fun, too, I mean, what did Naughty ever do to them (well, before the start of his murderous rampage anyway)?

He may look a little rough around the edges, but that’s no reason for the grudge that these so-called ‘good’ bears seem to harbor against him; they’re just a bunch of nasty bullies picking on someone who’s a little different. They’ve hired Ninjas to assassinate him, sent bird-cams to spy on him, attempted to demolish his home to drill for oil, raised a horde of Zombears, and commissioned a R0B0-B34R army to create a quantum rift that will erase both him and his hut from existence! Oh, and they didn’t invite him to Daddles’ birthday party. How rude. Lets face it, they deserve everything they get and, boy, are they going to get it!

The object of the game is to rampage your way through each chapter, scoring as many points as you go. This is done in a multitude of ways that range from killing bears to shouting BOO and scaring the widdle out of them. Objects can be destroyed to demoralize anyone who sees them or sabotaged to lure a bear into fixing it, so you can creep up and either kill him with it or scare the bejesus out of him.

The bears can only take so much naughtiness before they go insane, then you can give them one final scare and watch with satisfaction as they kill themselves with whatever weapon they were trying to kill you with earlier. Sweet irony. This is perhaps my favorite method, making every single one of them go insane then going on a bear suicide blitzkrieg – good times! Traps can also be set to injure or scare bears, or you can just leave them to mew for help in plain sight, stressing out the others.

Zombears are coming to getcha

The more you are witnessed being naughty, the more points you get and ruling over all of this is your score multiplier. This constantly decreasing bar determines what the base score for something is multiplied by, rising every time you do something naughty and always dropping when you aren’t, although there are usually a few freeze capsules dotted around the level that will freeze your multiplier in place ready for some serious naughtiness.  Use them wisely.

Aside from the main level, there are four other challenges to complete on each chapter. These are a mix of the following: Insanity – you have to make every bear on the level go insane; Invisible – you can’t let yourself be seen by anyone; Speed Run – you have only three minutes to reach the finish; Friendly – you aren’t allowed to hit anyone; Killer – you must kill every bear, letting no-one escape; Untouchable – you can’t take even a single hit; Top Hat – everyone has a mega strong gun and you have to take down the bear in the special hat (these ones are seriously tough; the first time I attempted one, I lasted about five seconds, after two shots from a ray gun I was dead!) I’m still struggling to get above silver on the untouchable challenge in chapter four. Zombears! Thousands of ‘em! Avoid being hit? While still getting a high score? You’re ‘avin’ a laugh! Still all in fun, eh?…as I attempt it again for what seems like the hundredth time.

The reward for completing a level is one of four trophies, depending on your score: Bronze, silver, gold and platinum. The quality of the cups that you have on each chapter unlocks various costumes which have special abilities and increase your stats when you wear them on a level play through. The ability to walk undetected among the other bears (unless they see you doing something naughty), for example, can come in very handy on some of the tougher stages (Zombears!).  These are also necessary for popping the ‘costume shenanigan’ achievements, such as ‘Twin Fight’ where you have to kill Cop Gordon while wearing the Cop Gordon costume, using the weapon that goes with it. I love the costumes and the little nods in the levels, my favorite being in chapter five when you encounter B.E.A.Rs (Bear Emergency Action Response) and every one of them is named after a character from the Police Academy films; if you can get gold or higher on every level in that chapter you’ll unlock the Elite Mahoney costume!

As well as being awarded a trophy upon completion of a level, your score is added to your total ‘Naughty Points’, for which you get a rank and title such as ‘Veteran of Naughtiness’, and is also displayed on a high score table for that level along-side those of your friends, so you can see who has the best score and, if you’re of a mind to, try to best it. I spent ages trying to get an excellent score on a particular level (for a platinum cup), only to have my sister  (who had only just started playing), come along and top it. I think my exact words were: “NOOOOO! How the HELL did she manage that?!” before spending the next three hours or so frantically trying to beat it, with roars of “YES!” punctuating my success.

It’s funny, I’ve never been bothered about scores in games before and am not super competitive but, somehow, this one’s different. Seeing my name sitting above those of my friends gives me a little, chest-swelling feeling of pride. No thumb-on-nose gestures to the tune of “I’m better than you”, just pride, satisfaction and a warm feeling inside. It’s a bit of healthy competitiveness that adds enjoyment to an already enjoyable game and if someone should beat my score then well done to them…it’ll give me something to do when I’ve unlocked all the costumes. That and trying for the 28 platinum cup achievement and the 250,000,000 Naughty Points achievement. Whew! But you know what? That’s ok, because even though it’s a bit repetitive, I love it.

I don’t mind because I enjoy playing it so very much; it feels good to be naughty, especially when it’s so justified. Of course, it helps to have a somewhat sadistic streak and a perverse sense of humor. My father in particular thinks I’m ‘sick’, but then my comeback is: “At least I’m not doing this stuff in REAL life!” Everyone needs an outlet after all. So, I know that even after I’ve maxed out the achievements, got platinum on every level, completed all the DLC and beaten any of my friends who dare to come near my high scores, I’ll still be playing it out of sheer enjoyment.


Official Naughty Bear website: www.naughtybearthegame.com

Last five articles by Tania



  1. Rook says:

    It only took me one or two attempts at this game to know I didn’t like it. Kill or scare bears over and over. Different weapons, different traps, different ways to interact with the scenery was good, but it was the same thing for the next challenge in the same level.

    I do want to go back to it and pick up more achievements as I hate having so few points in a game, but I just can’t ‘bear’ the thought to to go back to it just yet.

    It’s good you have found a game you love so much, we all have them, I just haven’t found the appeal myself in this one.

  2. Ben Ben says:

    It’s a strange sight watching a bear club himself to death, let alone turn his gun on his own head. You cruel cruel person Tania :D

  3. Lorna Lorna says:

    Nice! I’ll admit that at first I really didn’t think much of it…the actual playing area never really varies and is very small when you consider it. However, it does have a cetain addictive quality and I find it great for lazy gaming…when I just can’t be bothered to get into anything more taxing than slaying other bears. That said, it shouldn’t have been a full priced release…if this had been an XBLA title at about 1200 – 1600 MSP, then I think many folk would have been a lot happier. Am looking forward to the pirate DLC!

  4. Mark R MarkuzR says:

    Well you don’t need me to tell you what I thought of the game as I’ve already written the review but it’s always interesting to hear someone elses opinions on it. Glad you like it as much as you do though, and it’s interesting to see Lorna going through the levels that I never managed to reach. It’s not a game I’d ever go back to for completionist purposes but I get why people like it. Great read, thoroughly enjoyed it… I’m liking these I Heart articles :D

  5. Edward Edward says:

    I remember you playing it tons at the meetup, and you got really into it.
    I actually enjoyed my time with it, but not as much as you ever could.
    A great read :)

  6. Richie richie says:

    Nice write up. I’m tempted but the achvs put me off a little.

    Because I am a whore with some degree of OCD it seems.

    Sounds like fun though (the game, not the whore with OCD).

  7. Tania Tania says:

    Thanx guys! :D

    @ Rook : Well I suppose someone had to make a Bear pun…

    @ Ben : It’s not cruel, it’s self defense! Was Rambo cruel? Naughty is the Champion of Truth and Justice! Er… or something like that anyway…

    Maybe it’s one of those Marmite-type games, people either love it or hate it.

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