I Like Squirtles

In thirty seconds they'll start fighting over who gets to dress up as the girl, and there'll be more camped up overacting than Christopher Biggins and Alan Carr battling it out on The Luvvie Factor

As the sun beams down I feel a cooling bead of perspiration form under my cap and drip across my brow, not from the heat but from the thrill of the hunt. I walk through the tall grass, quietly and cautiously stalking my quarry. Gently, I reach into my bag and pick out a shimmering orb, no larger than a tennis ball – with this I will catch my prey. I take aim, waiting for the perfect moment to strike but as I do a wild Sandshrew appears out of nowhere and attacks!

A lot of people say that a dog is a man’s best friend, but there’s only so much a dog can do. Sure you could teach him to sit or to catch a ball, but you could teach a Pikachu to power your television. When you think about it, Pokémon make the perfect pets – they’re cute, they’re loyal, they can protect you, there are almost 500 different varieties to choose from so you’re bound to find one you like and, most importantly, it’s easy to take them to the vet; just throw a Poké Ball at the little bugger and take it wherever you want.

In this article I plan to discuss some of my favourite Pokémon and why they’d make awesome pets, taking into account various factors including cuddliness and usefulness. For example, a Meowth might look cute but sharing a house with Winona Ryder would result in less possessions being stolen.

Height: 6’11”
Weight: 1014 lbs
Type: Normal
Description: A giant teddy bear that likes to sleep and eat.

Weighing in at over seventy stone, Snorlax may sound like a completely useless pet but you might not realise that, when stored in a Poké Ball, it becomes pretty much weightless. “What’s the point of having a pet that you constantly have to keep trapped in a Poké Ball?” you ask. Well let me ask you this in return; have you ever had friends or family suddenly and unexpectedly announce that they’ll be visiting for the weekend despite the fact that you have no spare bed? Release your Snorlax, set him up in the living room and bingo – a soft and fluffy bed for your unwanted guests. Are your kids causing havoc throughout the house? Then set Snorlax up outside for a make-shift trampoline instead.

Height: 2’11”
Weight: 43 lbs
Type: Psychic
Description: The Uri Geller of the Pokémon world

Some people would be put off by a pet that could read their mind, especially one that looks like an armoured fox. After all, one wrong thought about cleaning the litter tray out could result in a severe clawing. I, on the other hand, welcome a pet that can read minds because it gives you a very rare chance to find out what people really think of you. Yes, I know there’s a major flaw in my plan in as much as Abra can’t speak but I’m sure that, if he’s smart enough to read minds, he’s smart enough to use a pen and paper. Imagine the fun you could have inviting all your friends around for a dinner party and learning all their deepest, darkest secrets. “So, Paul… I didn’t realise you’re a drag queen called Cindy on Sundays”. “Come in, James. Sit down. Oh that’s right, you can’t because you had to go to A&E to have part of a wine bottle removed from you the other day”. Sure you’d lose friends left, right and centre but at least you’d do it in style.

Height: 1’00”
Weight: 8.8 lbs
Type: Normal
Description: Hasbro’s best thing ever!

Who had a tub of silly putty as a kid? If you didn’t, shame on you – the stuff was amazing. You could throw it at a wall and make it stick, stretch it, make fart noises with it and… well that’s about it really. Come to think of it, silly putty was actually quite shit, but if it could transform into stuff it would’ve been the coolest thing in the world. This is where Ditto comes in. In its natural form, it may look like a two year old has attempted to make a person out of purple Play-Dough but Ditto can change into any other Pokémon with out the aggro of cleaning up after them. Maybe you want a Charizard to scare intruders off your property but don’t want to deal with overcooked corpses and a massive insurance claim against your property. Then get a Ditto and make it transform into one. Problem solved.

Height: 1’04”
Weight: 13.2 lbs
Type: Electric
Description: “Looks like a paedo when it’s a fat Chinese guy in a costume” – Markuz

One of these people is doing it wrong

Ok, so you probably saw this one coming seeing as it’s Ash’s favourite electric mouse and one of the most recognised Pokémon in history but I haven’t included it just because of that. Sure Pikachu’s cute and friendly but that’s not the main reason I’ve included it. As every wannabe trainer knows, Pikachu is an electric Pokémon with the ability to discharge electricity. Now imagine you had five or six Pikachus discharging electricity in your basement. Then imagine that you could harness that electrical discharge… That’s right, no more electricity bills – well until your Pikachus die, then you’d have to bury them in a shoe box in the back garden and give Eon a ring.

If Mudkips looked like this, I'd like them a lot more

Height: 1’04”
Weight: 16.8 lbs
Type: Water
Description: Stupid looking internet meme

If the internet has taught us anything it’s that everyone lieks mudkipz. Personally I think they’re one of the worst Pokémon ever – after Metapod of course. Metapod used Harden. Oh what a fucking surprise! – but seeing as everyone loves them so much, maybe we should exchange all the worlds’ cats for a plague of Mudkips. Then we’ll see how much people really like them…

Last five articles by Iain



  1. Edward Edward says:

    No pokemon ever gets better than Squirtle.
    Chimchar is a distant second.

  2. Adam Adam says:

    Mega Lulz Iain.

    Cracking take on Pokemon here. I was crazily addicted to these games playing them on the way to and from work, on my breaks and whilst I was supposed to be running the store (I used to steal other Pokemon’s off traded in copies and would always make sure I nabbed the Exp. Shares and the Masterballs when I could).

    I always loved Psyduck, just because he’s a full on Spastic. I think he’d make a great addition at a pub quiz because it’s always the team less likely to win that does :D

    Love the Line Breaks…and now Mudkips. Ones just like that….

  3. Iain says:

    Haha thanks Adam, I never thought of a psyduck as a good pub quiz contestant but now you mention it, you’re right. I actually have a psyduck in my pokewalker right now (which I have proudly clipped to my belt).

  4. Pete says:

    I read the title as I Like Squirrels initially :D

    Then continued to chuckle all the way through ;)

  5. Ste says:

    How disappointed was I when clicking on that sexy pikachu bird for a better look only to be treated to a rather scary demon pikachu harrassing a poor child. Methinks this is karma kicking my ass for being a geeky perv. Better luck next time.

  6. Lorna Lorna says:

    Interesting choices, but I’d have gone with PsyDuck. Being as ‘special’ as he is, you’d get access to the handicap car park spaces outside Tesco and also be able to fry the brains of disagreeable relatives. Also, you have to have Charizard…I mean FFS. You’ll never need another BBQ again and no one will mess with you if he’s chaperoning you back from the train station at night.

  7. Iain says:

    There are two flaws with your charizard logic Lorna;
    1 – Pikachu can roast nuts with his electricity, meaning you could techinically use him as a BBQ too or at very least, roast some marshmallows.
    2 – why would you be at a train station when you could have your charizard fly you straight from your destination? :p

    I’m sensing a lot of psyduck love on this site thought.

  8. Lorna Lorna says:

    Aha…nope. I don’t want TeamRocket and their farting gas ball Pokemon thing cluttering up my BBQ and James dressing in my underwear which is what would happen if I had a Pikachu. For some reason, despite all the rare Pokemon, they seem to think that a common Pikachu is special. Pffft.

    Also, the wind velocity riding a Charizard to my destination would be such that my ears would get cold. When my ears get cold, I get earache. Neurghh ;p

  9. Samuel The Preacher says:

    I’d go with Bulbasaur. Because he’s green. That was my justification in the original Pokemon games, and he’s such an awesome little guy that I’ve finagled his presence on my team in every Pokemon game I’ve played since. There’s always a Bulbasaur, and always a Geodude on my team. The rest kind of gets made up as I go along in order to cover most of the elemental bases.

    Funny article as always, Pix.

  10. Mark R MarkuzR says:

    I can just see Parry Gripp’s latest outing on YouTube now… “Do You Like Squirtles?”… coupled with a video of various Pokémon flashing up every second or so, and the odd Dramatic Chipmunk thrown in for good measure (admit it… how many of you, that have seen the video, started singing “Dramatic Chimpunk… HEY!!” when you read that??).

    I know nothing about Pokémon and only found out that Pikachu was a mouse from reading this article… I had no idea what he was, I assumed he was just a completely fictional creature rather than an electric mouse. There ya go. Have to say though, the idea of Pokémon as pets is quite exciting… I’d go with the redhead woman in the first pic.

    I had a great time working on the images for this one… two cute girls, a Pix3lated manipulation and a surprise Pikachomp for anyone that clicked through on the cosplayers. There’s nothing like a little late night fiddling with your mouse to put a smile on your face, Pikachu not included.

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