Breast Laid Plans
Is it just me or are computer game characters getting sexier?
How’s that for an opening question, eh? I’d go as far as saying it’s up there with “Who really believes Natal will be good?” or “Why is Uwe Boll such a dick?” – please don’t sue me Uwe, it’s all in jest. Ok that’s a lie; I wish you’d stop making such terrible movies.
Before we get started, I’d just like to make it clear that I’m not going to fill this blog with lots of back story and history on how female characters in games have progressed from nothing more than a pair of luscious melons, to a pair of luscious melons with a brain and a big gun. I’ll leave that to one of our fine female writers – after they’ve done the dishes of course (don’t hurt me, it was a joke).
Surprisingly enough, when Lara Croft came on the scene I was one of the few people who wasn’t impressed by her massive cannons – or her guns for that matter – I thought she was just a poor excuse to sell more computer games to fat, sweaty men playing Playstation from their mum’s basement and actually borderline resented the fact that Eidos might possibly picture the majority of gamers in this same manner. Were the people who made the game fat, sweaty, womanless nerds? Possibly, in which case I could see why they thought all game players were the same but if not, shame on them. They unleashed a foul beast upon the world, the generic ‘big tits, big guns’ style female characters that have graced so many computer games.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love admiring the female form as much as the next nerd but there’s something really wrong about looking at a computer generated bosom and wanting to motorboat it. Oh, how I’ve had to refrain from looking at Soul Calibur’s Ivy as anything more than a collection of meshes, textures and a physics engine that was seemingly built purely to add bounce to her boobies. Oh, how I’ve tried not to use Tekken Tag’s unlockable screenshot function to take risqué pictures of Nina Williams. Truth be told, I’ve always found the ‘big tits, big guns’ attitude to female characters quite laughable. If anyone with breasts that were larger than my head approached me in real life, I would more than likely run a mile but in computer games, I’m supposed to be slightly aroused? I’m sorry but it just doesn’t wash.
“What’s that love? You’re going into battle wearing nothing but fur boots and a few strategically placed belts? Good luck with that, I bet £10 that you’ll catch pneumonia before you even reach the enemy”.
Recently though, a female computer game character has bowled me over a little bit. She’s not like all the other girls, she’s different. Her name’s Miranda and she’s second in command on a ship called Normandy. I think I’m in love. Her beautiful smile; the curve of her hips; her soft, round face. The way she makes love to me in the engine room; her tough exterior, hiding a delicate and vulnerable young woman. The way she kills collectors with a single biotic slam.
We’re going to get married when the war’s over, I just know it…
Last five articles by Iain
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- BRINK - Review
- A New Beginning Preview
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