Breast Laid Plans

Undoubtedly the first game character designed with a slant towards titilation

Is it just me or are computer game characters getting sexier?

How’s that for an opening question, eh? I’d go as far as saying it’s up there with “Who really believes Natal will be good?” or “Why is Uwe Boll such a dick?” – please don’t sue me Uwe, it’s all in jest. Ok that’s a lie; I wish you’d stop making such terrible movies.

Before we get started, I’d just like to make it clear that I’m not going to fill this blog with lots of back story and history on how female characters in games have progressed from nothing more than a pair of luscious melons, to a pair of luscious melons with a brain and a big gun. I’ll leave that to one of our fine female writers – after they’ve done the dishes of course (don’t hurt me, it was a joke).

Surprisingly enough, when Lara Croft came on the scene I was one of the few people who wasn’t impressed by her massive cannons – or her guns for that matter – I thought she was just a poor excuse to sell more computer games to fat, sweaty men playing Playstation from their mum’s basement and actually borderline resented the fact that Eidos might possibly picture the majority of gamers in this same manner. Were the people who made the game fat, sweaty, womanless nerds? Possibly, in which case I could see why they thought all game players were the same but if not, shame on them. They unleashed a foul beast upon the world, the generic ‘big tits, big guns’ style female characters that have graced so many computer games.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love admiring the female form as much as the next nerd but there’s something really wrong about looking at a computer generated bosom and wanting to motorboat it. Oh, how I’ve had to refrain from looking at Soul Calibur’s Ivy as anything more than a collection of meshes, textures and a physics engine that was seemingly built purely to add bounce to her boobies. Oh, how I’ve tried not to use Tekken Tag’s unlockable screenshot function to take risqué pictures of Nina Williams. Truth be told, I’ve always found the ‘big tits, big guns’ attitude to female characters quite laughable. If anyone with breasts that were larger than my head approached me in real life, I would more than likely run a mile but in computer games, I’m supposed to be slightly aroused? I’m sorry but it just doesn’t wash.

“What’s that love? You’re going into battle wearing nothing but fur boots and a few strategically placed belts? Good luck with that, I bet £10 that you’ll catch pneumonia before you even reach the enemy”.

Oh how I wish she'd handle my pistol like that!

Recently though, a female computer game character has bowled me over a little bit. She’s not like all the other girls, she’s different. Her name’s Miranda and she’s second in command on a ship called Normandy. I think I’m in love. Her beautiful smile; the curve of her hips; her soft, round face. The way she makes love to me in the engine room; her tough exterior, hiding a delicate and vulnerable young woman. The way she kills collectors with a single biotic slam.

We’re going to get married when the war’s over, I just know it…

Reasons to be cheerful. One...

... two...

... three!




Last five articles by Iain

  

13 Comments

  1. The Preacher says:

    If you like, I could officiate the marriage for you, if you don’t mind it being a Protestant wedding. I suspect that the moment where I ask “if anyone here objects to this union between this man and woman, speak now, or forever hold your peace” would be met with a raucous reply from millions of other male gamers though.

    I have to admit, I prefer Liara from the original Mass Effect to Miranda. Then again, I had to work to get my Shepard to pair up with Liara, whereas Miranda just out and out asks him if he minds rolling in the hay a bit, and does he mind that she thinks she loves him. Despite his also making friendly with Tali-Zorah and Kelly; sleeping with the receptionist on the side, how very continental my space hero is. In the first game, Ashley Williams and Liara nearly got into a catfight because I wasn’t rude to one or the other of them rather than polite and open to both. It just seems that the challenge isn’t really there anymore. Even Dr. Chakwas was hitting on me this time around, though in a fit of morals I turned her down. Being all lovey-dovey with two women already, with another only refraining from jumping me because of her isolation suit and the threat of infection (the ultimate prophylactic, Bioware? I’m onto you) is quite enough to be getting on with already.

    Very enjoyable article. Now, if you’ll just excuse me, I think I need a cold shower.

  2. Iain says:

    Haha I’d take a girl who asks me for a roll on the hay over Liara’s coyness any day but you’re right about how much of a tart Sheppard’s become. He is the saviour of the galaxy though, he deserves a slew of women if that’s what he wants

  3. Kat says:

    I hate you Pix3l! You big sexist bastard! *readies the rolling pin*

    They never cover these big boobed characters at the end of the day… the pain of backache… the quest for a decent support bra…

  4. Victor says:

    Say what you will, but when it comes to hotties in videogames, nothing comes close to the pink Yoshi. Extendable appendage? *rrrr-RRRR-rrrr*. Just joking. Dead or Alive Volleyball is a work of genius and art.

    An essential piece, Iain.

  5. Iain says:

    *uses keyboard as makeshift rolling pin shield*
    An essential piece? You’re still talking about Yoshi’s appendage, aren’t you Victor :p

  6. MrCuddleswick says:

    I never found Lara Croft sexy.

  7. lee says:

    i’m not going to lie i also want to marry Miranda, I’m not there with her yet but i think i can talk her into the sack. i was close once, stood in the bedromm with her i was like “yes, made it past the desk!” – but then i screamed as she said i should leave because she had work to do.

    oh well theres always kelly – i took her to dinner, “hey babe got any messages” /winkyface

    if only i’d put this much effort into my real world girlfriends

  8. Kat says:

    Lara Croft was sexy but only when I made her repeatedly run into walls… Uh.. Ohh.. Uh..

  9. lee says:

    lara had a sexy “no” everytime you tryed to open a door with your passport in tomb raider 2

  10. MarkuzR says:

    Having watched the trailers and various gameplay caps, I have to admit loving Miranda’s Australian accent and it’s good to hear Strahovski’s own accent rather than the pseudo-American accent she uses in Chuck. The dark hair looks good on her too, even if it is just a collection of pixels :) Not being a breast man though, her frontal assets aren’t much of a pull for me but I admit that the rear view was certainly something to behold.

    Lara Croft just looked stupid. Like some eight year old skinny girl shoving boxes of tissues down her top so she could look like a grown up. The new Lara isn’t so bad, but that first one… the designer should be A) shot, for creating such a ridiculous body type and B) commended for knowing how well it’d pay off anyway!

  11. Lorna says:

    I’ve had to cut down my constant eye-rolling at the portrayal of women in games because it was giving me a perpetual migrane. Childish, pathetic, unrealistic…and just frankly fucking tedious but even with many mature male gamers also rollingtheir eyes, someone is still making them.

    It isn’t so much that that bothers me, but give us some equality you wankers…where are the scantily clad men? The bulging cocks straining through jumpsuits, the shirtless bloke fixing the engine on the starship with a smear of oil across his manly brow and a sheen of sweat on his muscled back? Give us that and you can have your wank fantasy women…all we ask is for some give and take and some bloody acknowledgement in the form of gratuitous male nudey stuff. Or at least that’s what I ask.

  12. The Preacher says:

    You know, I’ve been thinking about this… doesn’t Miranda say that her appearance was specifically designed genetically by her “father” in the lab? Now, this throws up two different, disturbing implications. One, that her father in the story was Josef Fritzl in space, growing himself a daughter with big titties who had to risk her life to escape his clutches. And secondly, that the guys at Bioware even felt guilty enough about having a well-stacked female character that they went to great pains to explain her looks in a pseudo-logical science-fiction context. Because that’s better than just not including a well-stacked female character.

    I need to stop overthinking these things, man…

  13. Simon says:

    If you want to look at some T&A you should go play MGS4. All the bosses are women. Oddly, you spend more time been forced to look at their tits, arse and grotesque camel toe in these uber tight rubber suits. than you do actually fighting them. There is an old woman with her rack practically hanging out too. The skin looks really old though, why did they decide to put this buxom OAP in the game then make the camera pan over her liver spotted titties over and over. Creepy. All of it. I guess at least the women get to see Snake doing pelvic thrusts to the floor. For an old man he has a fine arse.

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